I dont have much time to write, so Im not here very often. But I am still clean, and just hit 75 days since the latest reset. Which makes it 234 days in total since I started this. Ever since I installed the reporting software on all my computers it works a lot better. It seems to not really work, since my wife gets very sporadic reports listing websites I've been to that are totally ok... but it still does work, since I'm too scared to take the risk.

no news is good news !!

as you can see for yourself,

but dont tune out of course,

The user name and password to an online place where I shouldnt be kept jumping back into my head. I ended up going there and almost fell... but eventually I did this trick. I opened a notepad file, typed gibberish, and then clicked "change password" on the site. Then I copy-pasted the gibberish twice, confirmed, and logged out. Then I closed the notepad file without saving. I have 100% blocked myself from that place forever. Now I am just holding my breath to see if it will pop up on my wife's weekly report on Friday... but if it does I'll just have to explain it to her.

gevaldig!!!!

thats actually from the really hard struggles to stop once you already start,

so KUTGW!!!!!!!!!

I am always inspired by people who stop half-way through. That just takes so much strength and willpower. Congratulation for being one of the strongest people I know.

-Eliyahu/Elias/some_guy

Everything still well with me. The current situation in Jerusalem is making it both easier and harder.
Easier because running with the wife and kids to the shelter makes it clear what is really important in life.
Harder because my wife refuses sex as long as this war goes on... she is afraid the alarm will go off in the middle.

Those of us in ChUtz LaAretz are mispallel that HaShem will help both the IDF in ridding EY of terror and that all of Acheinu Bnei Yisrael who live in Israel will know no more Tzaros, and disruption of their family lives. I can only tell you that in my neck of the woods that we have been having Asifos Tehilim and drashos from Rabbanim since the three Kedoshim HaShem Yimkam Damam were kidnapped. We have you in our thoughts, minds and hearts.

I had a bad streak of falls, starting just before Rosh haShana and ended yesterday. Starting my 90 days over from today. I was totally "in the pit" during the Yamim Noraim. My wife took the opportunity to ask how it's going on Yom Kippur and I said it's fine. I feel horrible right now.

I started this journey of being clean in August last year. I have had the longest streaks of being clean ever. I did the 90 days, fell after 150 days, reached 90 again and fell later again (maybe longer than 150 maybe not... I dont remember anymore. I had so many "almost" falls that probably were actual falls that I didnt account for in the 90 days).

This year has been the cleanest I've been since I was 16. But the way I was fallen during Yom Kippur, and how I fell as late as yesterday will leave a stain...

Now I am challenging myself to make this year even better. I want 365 days clean. One day at a time.

Don't despair, and komt! You made it to 150 days clean?! Holy moly! What did you do then that kept you on the straight and narrow? Hatzlacha and please share your methods. Maybe there's a way to improve on them. The trick is to constantly be growing and on the guard from the yetzer hara.

Just curious, during those days were you a dry drunk or actually recovering/living life?

How do I know the difference...?

Did you feel like you were always waiting for lust to show up at your door? You were always holding your breath? You were just trying to get by. Day in and day out?

Or did you take deep breaths and actually live life. Your relationships improved with your wife, kids, Hashem, family etx. You grew. You accomplished things. Life actually felt good. You weren't enslaved or entrapped anymore. You were free!

The second. I was recovering. I regained life. It was amazing. Then a little slip and down the bottomless hole I fell again. Feels like that anyway. I know, I still have my cummulative clean days, I've made amazing progress... still, Im going crazy.

I was recently just about to fall again. The only thing that kept me from doing it was knowing that it wouldn't do me any better.

Seriously - when the lust overpowers me, what do I do to get out of it? It feels like I can either give in, fall, and hate myself again. Or do nothing and feel like Im burning up. It's either fall or stand still. No going back. How do I go backwards? Do you have any tricks?

Maybe I should have a "stack" or a list of interesting thoughts and ideas that I can refer to in these cases, to get my mind on something else.

I work in an office with a computer in front of me at all time. And when the tasks at work get boring or mundane and not enough challenging or interesting, my thoughts easily start to wander off. But I really should be thinking of that mundane task, and not something else. So it's like the right thing to do here becomes too boring for my brain, and it gets set in addiction mode instead. If at that moment I preoccupy myself with interesting thoughts, then I am still stealing time from work.

I do want to share an amazing victory though... although I'm still mad for letting it go that far. I chatted online with strangers. Talked to girls. Didnt let my wife know. "Just talking nothing wrong". Yeah right...

I become friends and develop a friendly relation with 17-year old girls. Advice, jokes, very harmless... but really not.

She sent me... and asked for... It took a lot of willpower but I uninstalled the chat app, deleted everything, and banned myself from it forever. I still cant believe I did it. It would have been illegal. My wife and family are just too amazing to risk over something like this. In just 8 years I will have daughters that age. I cant be that kind of person.

Again, still hate that I let it go that far, lying to myself that it was harmless. I shouldnt have put myself in that situation to begin with. But I am proud that I walked away. And I will not be going down that road again.

(Moderators - Dont move this to BB - if this post was too much, just delete it, you have my permission)

(Note - nothing illegal actually happened. She never sent me nude images, just provocative ones. But it was horribly close).