I"m starting a new thread to post some thoughts and some of my issues regarding this struggle.

i recently came across a new sefer from reb chaim shmulevitz zt"l, and saw some amazing things there that i would like to share.

he writes a person is biased and looks away at failings of the people that are closely related to him, the closer the relation the more bias. that's why the gemara says that there isn"t a family that has between them a robber that aren't all robbers, because they are protecting him.

the closest relative a person has is himself, he therefore doesn't even realize how he is falling, he thinks that after every fall he is still the same chushive yid he was before, the gemara brings in berochos that a big geder was enacted by the takanah of ezrah that you toivel after having relations, because there was a person who was toviah a woman to do an aveirah and she stopped him because there was no mikvah.

he is ready to fall with a woman, but is stopped because he dosent have a mikveh, that could only be a person that still thinks very highly of himself.

this hit home big time

I thought that was because they didn't want husbands to live with their wives every night, something about roosters and hens. Then it was rescinded because it was a mishna for saints so to speak.

But I totally relate to what you are saying. Tshuva is available to reshaim. If one cannot have a real yeridah tshuva is not available to him. Instead he can be in "recovery."