Hi guys. Haven't been around here in a while, feel that I need real people, get hyped (and drugged) up by writing long monologes and then dreaming about how everyone must surely be reading my words of wisdom, taking them to heart, and slowly watching there lives change from the inside - all as a result of living the principles that I laid out in my posts for all to see.

With that intro, I need to write here now to get out of my head, I haven't access to a phone and won't for almost a day. And when I'm alone in my head, I get really confused and obsessive and downright feeling rotten, then want to lust, that's how I cope with myself. So thank you for listening.

Now I had a miracle today which also reminds me how sick I am and can lose my new-found sanity in a matter of seconds. I've been abroad for a few weeks weeks, I had with me a little dinky phone which I would never have imagined would be able to support any picture online, let alone a picture of a naked woman (that's just way to big, important, and holy, for this simple piece of plastic). I think I may even have tried the web buisness, and it didn't seem to work.

But then just a few hours ago, literally a half hour before getting on the plane and thus ending the service on the phone, my wife shows me that she can get gmail and google and the works. And my mind starts racing. Then I was in the bathroom around 10 minutes before boarding the plane, and I just had to know if it had it for real. So I googled "porn", and lo and behold a list of sites. I clicked on one, and yes the pictures did load up, on my dinky little phone. I saw one, and then a second. It was that cover of the clip, where you see a sort of picture which seems like a tangle of certain body parts mixed with a few other body parts, I hadn't seen this sort of stuff in almost 2 years, and for almost one of them have been sexually sober. And I was powerless, that means that the picture is stronger than me.

A bit drunk from these rather disgracefull images of people doing private things in public, but I'm gratefull that I immediatley closed the phone and boarded the plane, and didn't need to check to see if the videos could also play on my dinky little phone.
While pursuing the insanity I kept on thinking something which I'm very gratefull for - if I get drunk and lose my sobriety, I won't be there at all for my wife on the trip and when we get home, and my life is with her, not with these sexy losers. Maybe that's why I stopped right away and am now feeling pretty good, who knows? I'm just really gratefull for a taste of recovery, to see the garbage and have even the vaguest sense of what it really is.

Now I'm absolutely nuts here. I've been around the world several times in the last few months, had many opportunities to porn my brains out, and surrendered them all (albeit imperfectly, because I'm a human and a sexaholic) with the help of my Higher Power and the Program. I was at my parents' house for a while, saw them for the first time in my life from a sober place (and it's really, really, different), and did a ton of 9th Step amends which I can truly be proud of, and more importantly I can taste the fruits of the 12 Promises that were written about this Step. And now I'm minutes away from the end, entering the proverbial "reentry zone" back into the regular life, sitting literally several feet away from the runway of the "flight to freedom". Furthermore, I know that the ending is gonna be tough, that I'll be stuck in my head during the almost day long trip, and the post-lust pain will be many more times acute than then regular, with no meeting to go to and no person to share with.

And still, I'm willing to risk it all for maybe five minutes of pleasure - intense, unsatisfying, unsettling. The plane is waiting, I can't stay, but I don't care, Iv'e gotta check to see that this phone is able to show me pictures of naked people having sex. I'm powerless over lust, I need help to stay sober for the next, longest, flight, I cannot do it alone. My body and soul are hooked, no amount of sobriety can cure the insanity, every sober and happy and serene day is a miracle from Hashem, because I don't know how to live without constant at-least mental cleaving to the female body, I need the warmth and love I think they can give me, I have no way out.

Now for the miracle. I had this phone for over half a month, if I had known from the beginning that there was internet who knows where I would be now, with constant availability and no accountability. Yet my Higher Power protected me the entire time from knowing that, only minutes before the end of the journey did he show me that there even was a possibility to fall, and even then I managed to slip, and again He helped me stop before it was too late. Hashem I really on my side, He protects me from my own self-destructive instincts, and then shows me how I really could have fallen and lost my life had I known about it, because even in the last 10 minutes I can manage to slip.

Thank You Hashem for a sober day so far, please keep me sober for just one more day, and give me the strength to do your will.

chaimcharlie wrote:


I think you can avoid that by reminding yourself that it's better to have an average worth throughout your life which is always there regardless of your performance than to be up on mount everest one moment only to be in an abyss the next (when you don't measure up.)




I suppose you really cannot know for sure that Hashem did that for you on purpose. Perhaps if you had actively been looking for porn everywhere, and one thing after another stopped you from finding it, then maybe you could say that. After all, you did see the images in the end. Hashem never fails, so if He wanted to protect you the whole time He would have.

Maybe it's an even bigger miracle: because of all your hard work in your positive sobriety you didn't look for porn most of the time, you were busy living a real life, and that protected you. I don't know the details but I know that you don't change if Hashem doesn't want you to.

Chaim,

Thank you for sharing and your honesty.

Thank you for reminding me that each day i am sober and sane is a gift from HaShem.

I too had a similar experience as you. After a significant period of sobriety I was abroad for a couple of days. I had forgotten how powerless I am over lust, that I have no chance of remaining sober and sane on my own; that sobriety s a gift and cannot be taken for granted.

Unfortunately I was not as fortunate or as honest as you and i had a fall.

I am thankful to HaShem for sobriety and sanity today and I ask Him for willingness to surrender my lust just for today.

Charles,

Your honesty gives me chizuk.

Eli

thankx for the feedback.

chaimcharlie wrote:


That's going into my signature

Always a pleasure to hear from you.

I'm sober a few years now, and I still am often tempted to just see what would pop up if I did an image search or whatever. I just keep surrendering it all to Hashem. He keeps me sane one day at a time.

Glad you were able to put on the brakes.