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Kedusha and Sanity
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Kedusha and Sanity 15220 Views

Re: Kedusha and Sanity 18 Jan 2015 03:17 #247347

  • Watson
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I knew the day would come that this thread got bumped

Embarrassing as it is for me to read through again I think it is a very important thread, if somewhat difficult to follow.

It's important because a lot of members come here saying the same thing I did. I understand it, I'm not sure even I could put my own mind at ease over my questions from back then.

It's difficult to follow because now I read the responses I got through different lenses, and the responses are not the same as they were a year and a half ago. I read the same words but different answers. I couldn't have connected with it back then.

I think that my problem ran so much deeper than I ever imagined back then. I didn't even realise how uncomfortable I was, how much I was running away, hiding, self-medicating.

For those who don't know, I was staunchly against going to SA at the time of this thread. I continued fighting and had ups and downs until I got fed up. I was fed up of fighting so hard and still losing. There had to be a better way. More than that, I felt that if I really cared about any of this I would bite the bullet and try a meeting.

I've been an SA member for about a year now. I have come to realise that I am powerless over my addiction. I can prove that because for years I was doing everything in my power to stop masturbating and I could not. I wouldn't even mention here some of the more extreme methods I used. But it is simply beyond me.

So I admitted I was powerless and began working the steps and going to meetings. I have still not got to the 'magical' 90 days but b"H things have been better in so many ways. Sobriety has been better and I feel better. My wife commented that I've become happier, calmer, nicer to be around. I feel more connected to Hashem. I learn much more now than before. I've even lost a little weight! People at work have commented that I seem so happy all the time, what's going on? I said "nothing, I've always been like this." "No you haven't, you're much happier now, what is it?"

I think that everyone has their own path and Hashem will lead us down it if we let Him. Progress is slow, changes take time. I love the bit in the Big book about spiritual experiences: "Most of our experiences are the 'educational variety' because they develop slowly over a period of time."
Last Edit: 18 Jan 2015 04:07 by Watson.

Re: Kedusha and Sanity 18 Jan 2015 05:36 #247350

  • cordnoy
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Watson wrote:
I knew the day would come that this thread got bumped

Embarrassing as it is for me to read through again I think it is a very important thread, if somewhat difficult to follow.


Leave it up the O' Fishel thread-bumper

And Watson, it is so great to hear about the happiness.
B"H!
Gettin' closer to God is a bit catchy; my posts are changin'.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Kedusha and Sanity 10 Jan 2016 02:31 #273785

  • cordnoy
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Dr.Watson wrote:
Dov, thank you for your post. Thank you for taking the time to post, it is always appreciated. I agree with what you're saying. I wonder if my problem is that i can't identify myself to it. Here's what i mean:

1. I didn't say i was an addict, I'm still not sure i am, despite the numerous falls I've had. I still have the mindset that I just need to control my yetzer and that's where it is. Even though i fall i still think i'm making progress and getting better at fighting my yetzer each time.

A person might masturbate once or twice and that's just called doing an aveirah. There's a point at which this behaviour is out of control and he might be called an addict. Equally a person who used to masturbate every day and now does it only once in a while is not really an addict anymore. I mean, he is because it can easily slip back to what it was, but his behaviour is not out of control, he's just doing an aveirah.

I'm really not sure where to put myself on this scale. I'm not sure it's relevant because I don't want to do any aveirahs at all. One masturbation is too many, and to me that's because of the aveirah not because I would feel like my behaviour was out of control just because of one masturbation.



2. I've read this a lot but I've never identified with it. I've tried to think about what's wrong deep down that makes me masturbate and I haven't come up with anything. B''H I have a good life. I have a loving wife, a nice family, nice in-laws, enough money for what I need, a promising career, i learn and daven. The things that bother me are not learning enough, not getting to minyan enough, maybe i could have more friends, but overall I'm a very happy, content person. I just can't get my head around why i keep falling except maybe i fell for another of the yetzer hora's tricks.



3. I'll give you the honest answer. I don't know what my motivation is. I can't say I'm such a tzaddik that I'm doing it l'shem shomayim. At the same time, if it was just out of control behaviour i was worried about, i think i would be happy with where i'm at now, and i'm not.


Doc,

How would you describe your old issues now?
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.
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