I am lucky. I have very good self-control and from the first day when I finally decided that I was going to put a stop to my acting out, I have prevented myself from doing so. I am a BT, so I am used to quitting things that I formerly enjoyed. That is where my problem is, though. When I started keeping kosher, I made that decision and stuck to it. It was hard at first, but it was only a short time before I completely stopped having urges to go eat in a treif restaurant. The same is true with my Shabbos observance.

With this it's different though. I have prevented myself from acting out for months, but the urge still frequently comes to me. I am able to prevent myself from doing it, and I am quite sure that I will continue to be able to prevent myself, but I wish that there was a way to get rid of these urges. It makes this very difficult for me.

I am engaged to be married this coming summer. I am not entirely sure how these urges will affect my life then. Maybe they will go away because I will have an acceptable and healthy outlet for this, but what if they don't?

Does anybody have any advice for me? I'm sorry that I don't know how to ask for anything more specific. Thank you all for your help.

dear dj, the day you get rid of the urge, you will be no longer among the living (until 120).thank G-d you have the urge.if not for this urge, nobody would want to have kids.we just have to learn how to chanell this urge to the right place, a tough job for everyone, especially addicts.

So you're saying I'm doomed to live with this incredibly difficult challenge every time I, for example, see an attractive woman on the street, for the rest of my life? Or at least until I am married?

Let me clarify my previous post. I do not feel an urge every time I see an attractive woman on the street. Rather, this is one thing that often triggers an urge in me. And it is quite difficult to live with that and never act on it, though I manage. I just wish there was a way to get rid of that trigger.

dj,

Getting married will not solve any problems. Getting married is a way to work on yourself and to provide for others. Like jack said, getting married provides a way to channel your energy to your wife.

I am married and part of the "Baalai Battim" section of this forum. One thing: please, please, please, don't make your wife (kallah now) your sandbox for doing whatever is on your mind IN ORDER to please yourself. One day, if you join that forum, you will read what happens when men "use" their wives as their "outlet". Please, do it carefully.

Of course, I would not use my wife "in order" to please myself. Would you not agree, though, that a healthy relationship with the wife is an outlet?

why do you use the word 'doomed'? that's a negative word.yes, you will definitely have the urge for the rest of your long life - be grateful!! yes, it's difficult - but that's why you make the big bucks! and you WILL get paid for properly channelling this urge.but the reward is not on this earth - the reward is in the next world.today, we do them - tomorrow- we get the reward.this is the jewish belief - i'm not making anything up on my own.BUT, we live a better life if we properly channel this urge even when we are on this earth - the rewards of being clean are numerous, even in this world.but in the next world? fuggedaboutit! no prophet has ever been able to describe the award that awaits us.azoy shtayt in gemara.

The main thing to know (and I made this mistake too many times and am trying to fix it now - not easy) is that sex is NOT mandatory. You will survive if you don't even though you want. Men are much more "hungry" for raw sex than women.

If the relationship is truly healthy, then, yes. But too many times, the man does not do it the right way. Please do not make the same mistakes I (and so many others) have made. Marriage does not fix lust.

I'll be happy to talk more about this in the Baalei Battim section. Enough said here.

iabsolutelycan wrote:

it makes your marrige hell and yes we stay with it read the post most men who didnt work on them selves it becomes worse after marrige avrohom

I am a married sex addict, starting the road to recovery. I tried everything to get rid of the urges, nothing worked, and eventually I always fell again cause I'm sick. Now the 12-step program is transforming me in way I never dreamed possible, somehow the honest, fearless, and humbling look at my inner self, and working on what I see, is managing to free me from the grip of the addiction. I don't fully know how it works, but it does. They tell me it's "God power", that Hashem helps those who ask Him to help them.

I relize that the unrelentless craings are a symptom of a disease raging inside me which will kill me if left unchecked, only a Power greater than myself can heal me, and can help me deal serenly with life's struggles.

Marriage is great, but like melost said it only makes our sickness worse, if we don't work on ourselves.

Hatzlochoh!!