For 11 years, I've been struggling with porn and masturbation. During that time, I've done plenty of thinking. After all, such inappropriate behaviour have serious consequences; low self esteem and lost confidence, poor relationships with family and friends, difficulty holding down a job or earning income, etc. Plus there's guilt, shame, a lack of self trust etc.

My problem can best be defined as follows:
Pornography holds me back from achieving my goals, and it stops me from being the best person that I can potentially be, in terms of my values and priorities.

The words above have been carefully selected. Here's my story in a short version, and the reason why I am so determined to break free from this disease.

As you can probably guess, for many years I lost confidence and felt ashamed etc. However, I do pick myself up from falls (except for being depressed twice; that is a strong deterrent to ensure that the positives are taken from lapses).
Typically, I make an effort to learn about myself, such as what the triggers are (mostly frustration) and to strengthen my awareness of the voice in my head pleading with me to stay away from P&M. Normally, I reject such advice and sin regardless, then feel disgusting and guilty, but often pick myself up until next time.

I simply can't continue that pattern. In September, I fell in love. We've enjoyed a magical and happy relationship for 1.5 months. Then I became ill, for an extensive period of time. During this time, we continued to build our foundations and strengthen our relationship. But during the past month, I've fallen back into my old habits of P&M.
Thankfully, I've learnt to accept the issue, and to forgive myself.

Today's fall, however, made me feel really bad. Guilt, unfaithful, etc. For me this is rock bottom, simply because I want to marry this girl and can't bring myself to engage her whilst these issues have a strong presence in my life.

I am determined to regain my self confidence, self respect and discipline from today until the right time of our engagement, and then marriage. The 1 day principle is a practical way forward, and I will commit to talking to God and to make a daily (or bi daily) decision with absolute clarity, reason and strength to ensure that for that moment, or that day, I will not fall. Not again. Otherwise, I will tell her this story.

I wish you the best of luck, but for me determination doesn't work.
Were you not determined before?
Haven't you been struggling for 11 years?
Why do you think it's going to be different this time?
Are you doing anything different other than being more determined?

What does work is following a proven recovery program. So if you are really determined to overcome this like you claim, and you really want to get married and have a successful marriage like you claim, than you should be willing to really do what works. And that isn't "determination".

Or maybe your addiction is lulling you into the belief that you can overcome this by yourself blindly with willpower. Because as long as you do that he still has you iunder control.

(By the way I'm talking to myself more than I'm talking to you.)

amazing that u know urself so well i agree with me3 it dosnt work ONLY THE 12 STEPS WORK we have change our whole lives AVROHOM

I agree with me3. Determination only works as far as you're determined. That determination might fade away. You (and I) need something more concrete.

Dear netzach,

Hope you are doing well so far, chaver. Thanks for sharing all that here.

If the voice pleading with you to stay away from porn and masturbation is loud enough, I fear that all it is doing is reminding you that "every second is another erotic opportunity that must must must be avoided!". Strange as it may sound, that focus on our problem is actually a very big part of the problem many of us have in the first place - and makes the struggle so much worse. I feel it is one of the most self-defeating traps frum guys fall into.

But if the 'voice' is only in your head once in a while, like when an 'opportunity' occurs - then that's probably just normal, and very good. While wishing we could use the schmutz is not an aveiro at all, using it is.

You wrote that you like the 1 day principle. Hatzlocha using that right. It's precious.

Hatzlocha with the relationship! And may Hashem help us improve some of the ways we respond to life - not just to erotic desire. Just stopping this aveiro alone, is like holding our breath - till we can blow off the steam somewhere (like in bed with our wives). And that's not a real answer....it's precisely what we have been doing all along.

Dov - please explain your opening paragraphs.

I agree that determination isn't enough because it does fade. I fell again during the night, mainly due to that reason and not having made a clear strong decision that I need to do throughout the day.

Afterwards, I did feel like 'giving up', but it's such a foreign concept to me that I don't know how to!

I'm trying to take a step back for a moment to look at my personal situation from another set of eyes, just to get a brief chance to stop worrying and being tense.

It's the most important time in my life for so many reasons, especially for my girlfriend; I live her too much so must avoid hurting her or causing pain at all costs.

nezach wrote:


Dear chaver,

If you really want to look at your habit from another set of eyes, then is there anyone you know with whom you can safely discuss your history and situation right now in person? The best set of eyes is usually not our own. He may not solve any of your problem, but opening up opens a lot of things up, be"H.

A habit of 11 years does not dissapear just because we really, really want it to. Even fear of losing the girl and tghe love is not a reliable weapon to force a real change in a person, many have found, to their dismay. Consider:

You have developed your sexual habits, likes and dislikes - and at the same time, probably your frumkeit - over the past 11 years while struggling and giving in to the lust habit. Yes, or no? I do not know, but am asking. If so, then in a way, this struggle itself helped form your frumkeit and define your relationship with Hashem. The "I love the schmutz"/"OMG! Please take me back, Hashem!" rollercoaster. If you relate, then does it make sense to you that because netzach (or really - whateever your real name is, not the username) 'wishes' to change now because it is suddenly 'worth it', he will do so in just a month or two?

You can clean up your act - you may need help, you may not...but you are not a goner. You have lost, but are not a loser. Let's use honesty from the start - honesty is the opposite of the hiding and intense, epic battling that you have been using since this started 11 years ago. Honesty may open the doors and help you get better. But do not lose a drop of hope because of facing the truth - remember, whatever truth you discover, Hashem knew it long ago already and has been taking care of you till now. He brought you this woman, he brought you to GYE - Hashem made you and loves you forever.

This habit (I assume - please correct me if I am wrong, chaver) has been engaged in by you under total secrecy for years, right? Has it been used every week, every month, or only every few months? Think back - for telling "the short version" is not much use to you. We do not live in a short version. Try writing out the story from the first time you met erotica until the last time you used it - and all the ways you used it in the past year or two - not just computers and masturbating yourself, but any other habits you picked uo along the way to feed the obsession. I am not telling you what to do, or what you need to do. I am just suggesting this. It may be helpful, it may not. Many have found it eye opening.

Just because something is the right thing to do, does not mean a person should be able to do it today. You wrote "carefully chosen words," to encapsulate the "short version" of your story, and wrote well, I trust. But the short version may be just what you do not need.