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To look at the ground, or not?
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: To look at the ground, or not? 2289 Views

To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 04:46 #18251

  • Shmilu
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I've debated this with myself quite a few times:

When in the street or in public places -- should I look to the ground and not see anything at all, but risk firing up my yetzer if and when I inevitably WILL see something? Or should I rather look straight ahead but not focus on the women?
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2009 06:12 by trytohelp.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 05:28 #18256

You can look down and still see where you're going--you don't have to look straight at your feet. I frequently look at the ground some 10 feet ahead or so. See avatar pic for instructions....tilt head up a bit more than that and you're good to go.
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2009 05:36 by trytohelp.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 09:32 #18294

  • Tomim2B
I try to look straight ahead at the ground in front of me, like Bruce mentioned. Although when I see something "striking" approaching my way, this sometimes is not enough. At times I slow my pace, gently shield my eyes as if I'm protecting them from the sun, turn my neck slightly to the side, and look up at a spot in the sky as if something grabbed my attention. This doesn't work for extended periods of time because it looses the casual look and people begin wondering what you're staring at in the sky, but for a brief moment to a few seconds (which is really all we need) it works great! It's easier to look up (like this) without looking awkward, than to look down and intensely stare at the ground.

Sometimes when facing big challenges in the street, I require a lot of focus in looking down at the ground. My forehead creases, and I stare very intensely at a certain spot (many people can mistake that for the look of a severely distraught person). With all the intensity that is there, looking up at the sky or the tops of some tall buildings can very natural.

Always try to make the best out of every given situation. When sitting in the bank Friday afternoon waiting for the banker to prepare your deposits, understand that these things can sometimes take a while, and this may give you many opportunities to catch a glance at her beauty (which can be a real test for an addict). When faced with such a situation, I usually come with a folder containing business related documents and busily fumble through my papers studying them while she is doing work on the computer. In one situation, I sat for 15 min. taking care of all sorts of things, minding my own business, and only looking up when spoken to or when responding. After, I was able to tell that the woman had a tremendous amount of respect for my not staring at her. I'm sure, as men generally stare, she was not used to seeing someone not consider her "eye candy". Knowing that that was not what I was after, she cut out all of the flirtatious and bubbly talk (the bankers in my area are very personal and flirt like crazy) and made an extra assertion to be strictly professional (which is not the way she normally behaves, as I know from prior visits to the bank).

If you don't have a prop at hand (like a cellphone, PDA, papers, a book, etc.), you can always study the inner architecture of the building or go through some brochures. I bet many people don't know the color order of the traffic signals or the timing of each intersection's red light. When waiting in the intersection (driving in your car), focusing on all sorts of trivial nonsense always beats getting pulled into glancing through the windows of neighboring cars.

In summary: When "not looking", it is sometimes better to find something kosher to look at if you can't simply distract yourself for the moment (meaning: in circumstances where you need to look away for extended periods of time). When you have something to focus your mind on, you're doing much more than "not looking". You're not thinking about "not looking". You're busy with something.

True there are always situations that make us want to turn around and run. But an addict always plans his escape ahead of time. A good escape is usually one where you don't run, but instead, you work with the situation to avoid the issue.

2B
Last Edit: 16 Sep 2009 10:00 by Malkamalka.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 11:05 #18301

  • Mr. Smith
I have found that it's much easier to look down than "away."  I have also found that my head will inevitably pop back to its ordained position if I'm not interested in what I'm looking at.  Thus, I have found that doing ANYTHING to keep the mind busy while looking down is a big help. E.g.: looking for dimes/shekels; avoiding cracks; counting cigarette butts; anything that requires you to activate your brain in some way.
Last Edit: by GyeBr18.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 12:42 #18319

  • Cleareyes613
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Tomim, awesome post with great tips. Thank you.
Last Edit: by mazeltov.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 13:11 #18324

  • battleworn
Shmilu, if I understood correctly you were reffering to the problem of playing up the taivoh by concentrating on not looking. Chack out reply #10 on this page: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=825.0

Also, you have to have Simcha shel Mitzva, when you look down. You have to realize that your shmiras einaim is connecting you to Hashem in a powerful way. (If someone asks you what you're looking for, the answer is that you're looking for Hashem and finding Him every second) B'kitzur, your thoughts have to be on Hashem and not c'v on what you're not seeing. If you do that, there's no risk involved!
Last Edit: by strugglingbachur.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 14:32 #18363

  • bardichev
BALANCE
BALANCE

THERE ARE TIMES YOU NEED NEED NEED TO LOOK AT THE GOUND OR YOU WILL BE DEAD MEAT

OTHER TIMES I FIND KEEP ON TRUCKING A GREAT MEHALICH
MOVE FAST

IN THE BANK SMUDGING THE GLASSES GRANTED IT IS FLAKY BUT LOOKING IS WORSE
SO I SMUDGE THE GLASSES AS A REMINDER

"DON'T LOOK AT SOMETHING THATS NOT YOURS"

KEEP BUSY

ALWAYS TRY DO DO SOMETHING  PRE-EMPTIVE

LIKE BEFORE YOU GO TO CHASUNAH TELL YOURSELF YOU WILL BEHAVE

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING OR CATCH YOURSELF LOOKING

TURN AWAY EVEN IF ITS SLOWLY BUT..BUT.. DONT LOOK AGAIN JUST TO MAKE SURE

Last Edit: by Plrox.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 16:08 #18396

  • Efshar Letaken
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I highly recommend reading the "Window Of Your Soul" Handbook on GYE home page.

Has almost everything you need to know about Shmiras Einaiym.

Very Practical tips & exercises as well.
Last Edit: by Moshe8909.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 16:10 #18398

  • bardichev
HEY I WAS GONNA WALK MIT FARMACHTER OIGEN MITTT TZVAI GABBUIM
Last Edit: by gyoure.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 21:03 #18530

  • Rage AT Machine
since this morning i actually began a number of replies on this thread and discarded each of them as i was really in between...heres the problem with nyc: you cant look up and away from women because (1) there are way too many people in this city and (2) the newstands. You cant look on the ground because in this city, there is as much filth on the ground than anywhere else...cards, papers, ads, etc...you cant look up because of the billboards...we're just plain [deleted explitive]ed...seriously, ive never noticed the problem before because ive never really taken protecting my eyes seriously but now i need some help here...any nyers got any suggestions?
Last Edit: by moish15.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 21:10 #18537

  • Tomim2B
I'd suggest that New Yorkers do a variation of the above, walking the streets without their glasses. If they have perfect vision and don't usually wear glasses, then they're [deleted expletive]ed.

2B
Last Edit: by Rubbishguy51.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 21:11 #18538

  • Rage AT Machine
20/15, bro, 20/15
Last Edit: by trying_free.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 21:14 #18539

  • Tomim2B
Have you considered extra tint sunglasses? They won't solve the problem, but it they'll defiantly make it easier.

2B
Last Edit: by Edikan.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 21:15 #18540

  • Cleareyes613
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Rage, I take my glasses off...
Last Edit: by BROKEN.

Re: To look at the ground, or not? 16 Sep 2009 21:22 #18541

  • kutan
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Better look at the woman and think of the wall than look at the wall and think of the woman
-Satmar Rav,
to someone who was apparently doing the latter.

This is the secret for me in NYC.

Not seeing anything... fugetaboutit.

But walking in the street and feeling on top of the world... all these misguided, [ stick in expl., to be deleted by ed. ]  animals-on-2-ft. and BIG kutan here is walking among them, feeling connected to the CREATOR of it all.
Its actually enjoyable.

Thats when we are in Mochin d'gadlus. (=good mood). Actually happens sometimes.

Otherwise, its survival mode. Look down, keep moving, don't focus on anything, keep going, get to where you need to FAST, and all the other advice posted here
Rashi, Breishis (10:25)
Last Edit: by tiffmea.
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