it's four days before yom hadin. and it's been many months since i last posted but i haven't had the power to get back up after so many months of falling, but am today 2 weeks clean. im lo achshav eimasei?!
this is a new post/continuation of my previous posts under "be holy".
 
what made me come back? a heart to heart talk with a couple friends. they pointed out that there are two key elements to work on.

1) talking things out. this gives us understanding and in-powers us to retake our lives.
2) the importance of learning things in a group setting and growing together with other in a specific avodah.
the last thing is obvious and the most important- teffilah.

as we embark on a new journey together let us put a tefillah that anything we write should never be scruttenized by the sitrah acher- that we should never write something that will cause eyin harah, or pride ourselves that we are actually in control of our lives.
  this is a disclaimer to all that we are merely together trying to work on coming close hashem and beseeching his mercy to make our efforts successful. there fore there is nothing o pride ourselves over even when we succeed, but rather we want only to be close to our king and creator which will bring all the tools that we need to become avdei hashem-b'emes.

may we be granted heavenly teshuva and s"d-let us begin to find the positive approach,building day to day,brick by brick, soul by soul.
  to all my fellow warriors-please don't "worry"ers. today we march just one step closer to hashem. don't you see the map-and the hear the king calling up back? take that map just for a day and hold it colose to your heart. the king is calling us back, he will surely send us the messengers , and search and recovery team to lead us back to him. if the Torah demand for us to "be holy" then hashem will surely help us get there.
  we are all here together to advise,encourage,and make strategies in battle. everyone here is a soldier who has joined up to fight the y"t, and be an eved hashem! is there any greater kiddush hashem?

Very Very BEAUTIFUL!!! Very moving!!! Thanks for the chizuk!
Welcome back
Love
Noorah

Dear Be holy, i'm super busy lately, not posting much on the forum these days, but how can I not welcome back this holy warrior who inspired us so much for so many months last year? So, without further ado:

Welcome Back!


Oh, and stay this time forever! 

LOOKS LIKE MY SHUVU BONIM SHOFAR CALL IS WORKING

b

WELCOME BACK!

AH BRIETIN SHULLIM ALIECHIMMMM

b

i have to say everyone- the forum is overwhelming and it is unbelievable-there are so many people posting since i was last on.
  please everyone take a  piece of paper and write guard your eyes on it and keep it in you machzor on these holy days. remember that we are all here together . if we stand together hashem can't turn us away. we all want to be avdei hashem! real happiness and fulfillment only can be granted in these days when hashem opens all the gates of heaven- the kutzker says "sheker hachen v'hevel hayofi" that unfortunately the sheker has chen and the hevel we see as yofi. we can call out to hashem to fill us and later generations with his love.
  everything ends tomorrow night,and at that same moment every opportunity begins anew.
we must mobilize our hearts to cry out to hashem that we need his closeness.
  we will have ten days my fellow soldiers to fight for our king. he is watching us from the hill-top and will be there to greet us in the victory celebrations after yom kippur. he has sent us out to do battle, everyone of us with the weapons and mission that is exactly where we can succeed and break through!!
  i beg of you and speak to myself -please hashem open our hearts to have our missions fixed onto our souls.what are our tools and weapons to fight for our beloved king?

one small kaballah- but that is our arsenal and the secret weapon that desintagrades all of our foes. the taiva disappears. if we walk on the streets and girls are the issue, make a kabala that you won't look at the upper torso, or we won't take that second look- is she supposed to be in my thoughts all the time or is "sheveisi hashem l'negdei tamid" where i really want to be at?
 
if we don't have filters it is impossible to win- this is our way to fight the enemy from 10,000 feet in the air.
 
  we are all in this together. we are fighting for freedom. may our teffilos rock the heavens and be answered with our father bestowing us with all the good things in the world. may we greet moshiach this year in kedusha and tehara.

hi guys... here i am 4 weeks clean be"h.
but i am mad depressed. my eyes are killing me. i keep thinking that i will never be happy and all i need is that nice sweet good looking girl. i want to just drive around and see the girls on the street- to be completely honest.
  i am married and have a beautiful son about 2 years old, who  is overjoyed to see me when i walk in the door. he is so handsome. my kabbah this year to work on shmiras enayim was to find help, support and therapy- the therapy i have found with a chavrusa who is a lot older then me and also has a therapy practice.
  what is wrong with me- i wonder if i will ever like the way my wife looks,or better yet look the way i want her too.
she loves me and wants me to become the best person i can become,but she told me it is hard to see me so sad,and she feels it is something that she is doing.
i was by a friend for a few minutes before shabbos and i looked at his wife and her skirt was a little above the knee ,along with her personality really made me get down and feel like i deserved someone like that-she was sweet, with it, and dressed nicely- tall,thin,had personality ect and it really hit me hard.
  we have only been married for 3 years-my issues where that my wife was a bit short 5'1' and maybe 15 pounds more then i would like he to be. everyone said when we get married all these things will go away for the most part and she is a cute girl.(some say we evn could pass as siblings) she doesn't have that "body" i was looking for. don't get me wrong she wants only the best for me and is a good person,but when i see her little stomach when she leans over or isn't sitting straight it kills me and turns me off. i am very thin- 5'9'' and 135 pounds.
  am i immature,crazy,or just need reprogramming- i feel so alone in this and how can i ask her to dress less tznius? even if she did would i be more happy?so i didn't get what i always wanted but i basically have everything else be"h.
some of you may read this and say i am a jerk,and just get over it- but i am looking for people who have been where i am,and found hope and seen change and can feel what i am feeling. looking at their wife and wanting more, lusting for the outside and the images that Hollywood has told us is beautiful.
  i am embarrassed to write these things but i have been so down. i thought marriage would fix my issues with my eyes,but now i just feel trapped-
  is this my ultimate gift from hashem-to break free from 15 years of porn and find the person i married and see people for who they are and not what they look like? is this really my tikon and way to achieve more in my life,as hard as it may be-but really it is hashem smiling and saying ,i am giving you the test of a lifetime,over come the physical and focus on the spiritual??

Dear Be Holy,

There is no question that, the less we look at other women, and the less we misuse our sexual drive, the more attractive our wives will be to us.  If you haven't read The Garden of Peace, I highly recommend it.  That book discusses at length how looking at other women harms our Shalom Bayis.

Be holy,

Firstly,welcome back

That was quite a post you wrote.
It is clear that you have alot of shame over your lust.

First you must know,you are not a bad person.
This is a natural step for someone who is a lust addict.
A wife will never fill that need for lust.
Ever.

There is a book written called "First Day of the Rest of My Life"
It is written in Hebrew but you can find excerpts on the GYE site translated into english.
The book's main character is a married man who has several affairs before he decides to pull his life together.
As he goes on the road to recovery,he starts noticing for the first time in years how truly beautiful his wife really is.
For years he thought she was too plain,not sexy,not pretty enough.

Our wives are not super models.
And they are not porn stars.
Which is really what you(we) want.

Separate lust and love,my friend.
You want love with your wife.
You don't want lust.
You will not get your fill of lust from your wife,or any other woman for that matter,even if they are a bit thinner than your wife.
You need to accept that you are a lust addict and that you want to remove the need for lust from your life.
How exactly to do that is the next step.
But for now,just acknowledge that you indeed love your wife,and you lust for other women.
Stop looking for lust from your wife.

So in answer to your quiestion:
You are not immature.
You are not crazy.
But you do need re-programming.

Looking foward to hearing back from you
-uri

Our holy friend

I read your post and have now a heavy and pained heart.

I truly feel with you and share your pain, knowing that you will not give up on us here.

But remember as you wait for this stage to pass, it is all part of the game so don't back now 'cause you will only be back at it sometimes in the future.

Be brave, you are well in the middle of it, probably on the way out already.

Let me ask you a question I was asked as a child by a teacher and it still is usefull for me today. "How far does a dog run into a forest?"

the answer is "only till the middle 'cause after that he is on his way out already".

Remember, the hight of discomfort is usualy the middle of the crisis. You are there now so continue and you will find yourself past this hurdle.

With all my sympathy

G

beholy, please read this page: www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1733

Hear from the guys that truly do have a "hot-wife" if their problems are solved.

G38,

"The height of discomfort is usually the middle of the crisis."

Thanks for that line and your Moshul of going into the forest. It's a great one. It reminds me of "The sky is darkest before dawn".

Very good perspective.

Nishmas

Be holy,
We sometimes look at the world with colored glasses. Our view of things is distorted.
Thats why good friends are important. They have our real interest in mind, and we can trust them to help them through difficult times.

The problem you have is normal and not by any means unique. But it assumes that happiness (and I'm specifically referring to sexual happiness) comes from external, outside triggers.
This is the big myth that the superficial world we live  in promotes.

In every myth, there is a kernal of truth. only a kernal though. That's it.
There is a physical attraction, no doubt.
But it is not the main ingredient to fuel REALLY satisfying relations with a woman. Not even by a long shot. It is simply the catalyst to start the relationship. But the ingredients are love, and love is created by giving to the other person...
Giving means giving,
that means giving simply to give without the want to get.

Sounds like a tall order, but it really is fun!

Just follow Dov around on the forum. He's a great teacher.

and once the REAL love is there, the relations will be different. not just 'better', but on a totally different plane.

you also have to learn to like your wife too.

not just love her.

I find that the way you treat your wife when she is not avaliable to you.

greatly affects the way you are with her when she is