Ok this thread I will use to record the ideas of my meeting with Harav Shraga Shlachter and my developement (iy'h) and healing (iy'h)through the therapy.

Tonight I started with a new therapist,a sex addict therapist,to be exact.
You have seen his name on the forum.He is the author of "first day of the rest of my life"
Really weird meeting,to say the least.
I walk in there and hes like why are u here?so i tell him.and he says let me get this straight:you are addicted to sex.i said ya.he said so whats the problem?sex is great!why would you want to stop?
I agreed with him completely.
But in all seriousness,his approach is very interesting.
It is as follows:
People need comfort and security/trust in the world.
Without those 2 things,we are going to have quite a difficult life.
All of us had some lack of trust as a little child.
That caused us to view the world in the same way(our view of the world is just an extension and development of our view of our mother,etc).
So the world is not a comfortable and secure place.
This causes alot of fears and anxieties.
A person cannot bear these.Nobody can bear this.Nobody.
So people each create their own blocks and ways of dealing.The word the rav used is "control".We need to control things that go on.
The comfort of sex and relationships is that comfort we so desperately want deep down.We want to stop hacving to "control" everything.We want the anxieties to stop.
So we drop our blocks and plunge in.
The comfort is of course,unreal and passing,but we nevertheless become addicted.
Now we don't even have control.
That drives us crazy.
What we (me and the rav) are planning to do in therapy is build trust in the world again.
What that means?I guess well find out.
-uri

Today was my second meeting with rav shlachter.

The first thing we did when I entered the office was we took a minute to appreciate sex and give hakaras hatov.
As he pointed out,sex helped me through very hard times in my life,and without sex,who knows if I wouldve made it even.
Thank you sex.

I know,a little unconventional,but what do you want me to say?He's the proffesional.
He made a solid point.
We must understand the place and effect that sex and lust had on our lives and how it entered and such.
Let me take this moment to just say that this dude is very smart.
Our meeting are pretty quick give and takes for an hour.
I challenge every point he makes,and he responds well and pretty quickly.
So anyway,that's point one.
Understand where you were holding at the time that you discovered lust,and the part it played in your emotional life.

Now,we reviewed what we discussed last week.
We lost trust in the world.
The world is now a very scary place.
We cannot bear that.
It's impossible.
So we put up defenses,guards if you will,to maintain control.
But always being on guard sucks.
So we relinquish control to enter a comfortable,secure place (lust).
In this place,everyone is happy and secure.No threats.
Some people find this security in food,others in alcohol,and others in lust.
Why did we choose lust?
He answers that outgoing people-people want to connect to others.In a safe,secure environment of course(thats the point,after all) but still it is connection with others that we desire.Hence,sex.

So how are we going to heal this?

Let's examine the cause and the effect.
The cause:lack in trust in the world
Effect/cause:defense mechanisms go up in effort to control our environment in some way
Effect/cause:go crazy being in defense all day,so run to safe comfort area
Effect:pornography,masturbation,sex

In essence,our life consists of 2 time periods:the control period and the comfort period.
If we try to remove the sex stam,we will pashut go crazy.
We need that comfort.
And always being on defense isnt the best either.
We must learn to to trust and live in the world.

The 2 main things we will be working on are:
1)Living a more full life in ways that can express my true self,my outgoingness,and make me feel good and comfortable with the world around me.
2)Examine the idea of trust and find it in people and in the world at large.

Sex is a pain killer.
And all pain killers are addictive.
And they get more addictive and less effective as time goes on.
So its good to keep at bay.
But fighting and control is not the way, ultimately.

Again, this is just his mehalech.Other people might find other methods more effective.Im just sharing what im learning.
I hope you guys find this useful.

BTW, am I allowed to post here, or is this just for the therapy summaries? Um.. ok, I'll try anyway... if you want I'll delete it later...

Uri, this was Very Useful and VERY Enlightening. Wow.

So did you tell him about your "bottom line" commitment last night (and the party)?

P.S. BTW, Uri, I had to modify your post a drop because some of the things Reb Shraga told you were meant only for you to hear. I know his approach and I have been in touch with him about this in the past. He "tailor designs" his approach based on where you are currently holding, and other people on this forum may see the things he told you and misinterpret them. (If you want the original, I saved it by me).

this r' shlachter ,who ever he is,is a wise man

the ideas here not only help those that already have addictive behaviors

the ideas here can prevent addictive behaviors in the first place.

Alot of these concepts should be taught to young teenagers and older ones as well.

because many early on are confused about this sex drive when it first hits them and they cannot deal with it.They do not understand how to handle it.or why so many strong emotions are attached to it.

this would help them deal with it.

This thread is great, Uri.

Uri thanks for sharing your sessions -this is solid  gold!!
very insightful and very very well written!
With awesome love for you. And my deepest and most fervent wishes for your continued success

Noorah

Uri, thanks so much for posting summaries of your sessions. You are helping a lot of people by doing this!

thanks uri. It helps me clarify things too

Uri,
This all explains why everyone here is so into GYE and benefits so much from it.

To quote from your post:
So we relinquish control to enter a comfortable,secure place (lust).
In this place,everyone is happy and secure.No threats.
Some people find this security in food,others in alcohol,and others in lust.
Why did we choose lust?
He answers that outgoing people-people want to connect to others.In a safe,secure environment of course(thats the point,after all) but still it is connection with others that we desire.Hence,sex.

Well, take out lust etc and insert GYE. Fits like a glove.

I remember one of your posts describing how no matter WHAT you post, your gonna get a positive response. (Tried to find it to copy into here, but your thread is SOOOOO long!). I remember thinking that your point is right, but it is all genuine... we share the will to see the good only in each other....

All the more reason to thank the Great Guard.

kutan

Maalin,
Please do not continue reading this thread.
Gulp. Hope that did not seem nasty. If it did, I apologize.
What I mean is that not everything on GYE is for everybody. Its impossible. We are all holding in different areas in avoda and in life. It does not seem that this thread will be beneficial to you.

But to answer your question, the point is (as I understand it) that when recovering from addiction to this drive, we don't want to confuse ourselves into thinking that the drive itself is bad. So, first the therapist highlighted the good of the drive (didn't mean the actual action l'masa).

kutan

Me neither, but give Uri credit. I'm going to assume that sex is WAY more addictive than pr0n or masturbation. One of my friends even told me that you can't stop once you start, and he wishes he never had. So I've always been very careful to avoid any physical interaction. I mean, chances are that I wouldn't even be here if had crossed that barrier because it was hard enough for me to break out of my internet addiction. I'd be like Shawn Kemp or something, serving jail time for defaulting on child support for like 100 kids from 100 women (that's a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point--I'd be looong gone).
So give the guy some credit.


But URI,
I'm confused about one thing. He said that outgoing people tend to fall into this addiction, but I am super introverted yet here I am. Explain?

BruceWayne wrote on 10 Sep 2009 17:53:


man, thats funny....

BW,
about outgoing, I was wondering about that too.
What he meant (I think) was not extrovert/introvert, but rather people who need emotional closeness. Introverts do too. In fact, being an extrovert usually means that you do NOT have emotional closeness with the 1000 people you keep up with.

In the kabbala, this idea is called chessed.... spreading out, connecting. The B'SH'Tov explains that is why in the aruyos it says 'chessed hu', since they are using their mida of chessed, actually, abusing it, by not channeling it properly.

Hey Guard, maybe you can sign up R' Slachter to the site...

second thought, maybe he already is on?  :o

k

BruceWayne wrote on 10 Sep 2009 17:53:


I dont know if there is a general rule...i think for most people, pr0n and bate is much more addictive...also, it sounds like your friend was discreetly trying to show off...if one of my friends would come up to me when i was a yeshiva boy and say, "man, im just having way too much sex, i dont know what to do about all this sex that i am having, i wish i can just have less sex all the time" id pretty much , out of sheer reflex, give him an open slap to the face...

Maalin is right.

Kutan is right.

R' Shraga is right.

"How can they all be right?" you ask.

You know, you're right!