I don't know where I'm holding.
If I hold my "falls" to be falls then I"m holding at about day 10 - I kind of of lost track.

But from my last post - if I don't consider these "incidents" as falls then I'm at day 50.  I'm definitely still struggling on a certain level and I feel I need to get it off my chest.  But just having a warden stop me - the filter - doesn't kill the desire.  

I have deliberately searched for stuff but B"H we've installed really strong filters on my computer and we've eliminated about 99% of the inappropriate materials that we can find.  But knowing the "code words" for the savvy Internet disgustingness that has allowed me to find stuff - small - but still find it.  At first I wanted to "test" my filters.  For the most part they are great, but not 100% foolproof.  

Last week I searched for something and I found a video.  Fool that I am - I watched it.  But darn it it just got worse.  When the "worse" began I shut it off.  On the absolute self-critical level - that's a fall.  But compared to what I used to look for - that's bupkas - nothing at all.  Certain things don't phase me as much as they used too - obviously a problem - but a work in progress.

I like do lamdanus on my actions and I realize to a certain extent that the "menuval" is playing a strong role.  Help!  I want this to stop and I want to be free of this.  I'm actually speaking about it with a therapist and IY"H I'll be seeing him again on Friday.  But ...

argh...
just give me some chizuk....please...

He is sly and tricky, the menuval. He plays these type of games on us addicts all the time. Don't let it get you down, just realize that it's HIM, it's the addiction, it's not YOU. You are a holy Jew, with an illness; a spiritual cancer. Get angry at HIM, be determined to do whatever you can to beat this. And when you do YOURS, Hashem will do HIS - which is take away the Yetzer Hara and give you sobriety. You are already doing great with the strong filters, and 50 days is incredible. Keep davening, read the handbooks, read the daily chizuk e-mails, post here on the forum, etc... that's YOUR part. And trust that Hashem will do HIS.

Just keep up the good work.  As long as you're trying, you're winning.