Thanks for the support, all.  I definitely appreciate from hearing from those of you who struggle in the same way. As we all know, the feeling of aloneness can be crushing.

Still... feeling kind of lost. I think maybe I'm not really ready to work yet. I still believe somehow I can make it through this.

first off, want to say hi, from another Israeli here on the forum

ive definitely done things like youre expressing before. both in making "innocent" contact and in looking places i shouldn't. it freaks me out, so thank Gd, for a while I've stayed away from things like that.

you can make it through this. in terms of being ready to work..., sometimes i find myself ready..., and sometimes not..., but when i feel that i can put work into this, i try to take the opportunity to move forward. you're clearly ready for something. welcome aboard the forum.

struggle

I beg you with all my heart, please don't suffer extra. Eventually we all wake up and realize where this all is leading us to. Living with Hashem is bliss; trying to avoid Him is death. Why in the world would you want to wait until He proves it to you, all you stand to gain is a lot of extra pain. Turn to Hashem and start enjoying life! You will never be alone again because Hashem will always be with you. טעמו וראו כי טוב ה

THIS IS THE REAL LIFE!

Mr . smith if you're still there,
i just popped on to this thread now , but i will tell you , i totally relate . looking has always been my worst problem . worse than porn . i have had little access to porn , but people are all around me! i have had the exact same thoughts  about hoping to catch something though knowing that i have no chance . i have "bumped" into people b/f  only twice . it was in a different way though , i was thinking that i hoped they were as sick as i was . but i never thought of abusing people Ch'v like Tomim says . just geneivas daas  and invasion of privacy.
  But my biggest problem is listening . i v'e mentioned this b/f and i don't think i 've found anyone w/ this twist yet (yeah i win wierdo of the forum award!  ;D my mom will be so proud!) . i am addicted to trying to listen to real people having marital relations . as a kid i used to wander and try to listen at doors and windows.  i got older and started listening to walls  . never stopped . sometomes it's the stupidest thing in the world .  i know theres nothing going on , but i feel like i have to check. i've listened for hours ,hurt my neck ,fallen asleep in wierd positions while listening . B'h most of that is behind me . still haven't killed it  totally ,but it's much better . recognition of being caught helped a lot . working on being fulfilled and happy with myself also helps me . i am trying to start a daily check in chavrusa w/ someone to work through some midos training and emuna focus ideas . find a friend (or forum) and be in touch w/ your progress .
good luck ,
LV     

lamed vavnik wrote on 13 Dec 2009 12:16:


Nope, you're not weirdo of the forum... We had another member once on this forum with the same problem. He called himself "niceguy" and he was a Rebbe here in Israel (unless that is you  ). See this old post of his. And see this post too.

I haven't heard from "niceguy" in ages... I often think about him...

scuse me people - I WAS abused. and I commend mr smith for taking these steps and  he's not doing anything that unfortunately that is not common-  this the real issue of mehadrin buses. i actually find this helpful realizing that abusing is also a disese has helped me heal.

of course, you still need to stop this asap. but gye is for accepting not condemning - as long as you are willing to do what you need to do to change. ;ike all of us. when someone else is involved the imperative is even greater. good luck and Godspeed

Lamed Vav!!
...figured you'd pop up on Chanukah    !
Thanks for your share above and with that openness you'll go places. Good places. Just don't stop there and keep moving on. You are amazing,
Much love to you (and to Mr Smith guy wherever he is, too.)
- Dov

yeah . chanuka i have more time  . since the yevonim won ,we learn less to celebrate  so i have more time to make my wife nervous while i sit at the screen all day and talk to my virtual buddies.  ;D ;D

hey smith man you still here? this is supposed to be for you.

LOL  ;D

Hey Guard, what's the zach blocking the face on your icon? Is the guy standing with his back to us?
(I wouldn't hijack the subject be'etzem, but Mr. smith seems to be ignoring us anyway unfortunately)

Kollel Guy wrote on 15 Dec 2009 22:33:

no not at all. Notice the beard. Its for shemiras aynayim. Hes coverin his eyes to protect himself from lookin at things he shouldnt.

Hey! Very cool! Don't know why I didn't think of that :D
And what's the deeper p'shat with yours while we're on the subject?

Nothing to deep. Just check out the siggy. Its just a saying that really hits home with me. I have had other avatars but since i changed to this one i havent gotten around to change it. I kinda like it. Although it doesnt have much to do with the forum it "speaks my heart".
Also this forum is about helping eachother out so i thought it was a little appropriate.

Kollel Guy wrote on 15 Dec 2009 22:33:


Here's the original one.

Here's the new one with a beard.

Here's the new one with a beard and payos.