I am really having a very hard day. I guess I am finally having the nissayon! I have urges to go to the internet and surf. Infact I was going onto GUE and there is a link to a porn sight and I actually clicked on it but when it came up I closed my eyes and shut it. I know it sounds strange but I don;t know how long I can hold off.
I once heard a shiur about nissyonos and the speaker said that a nissayon is only given when you have the ability to overcome it! When it seems almost impossible and you reach deep within and don;t give in, at the last possible second when it seems impossible...then it passes.
Is this true with these nissyonos too. Is it possible to get to the point where you don't crave the pornography and masturbation. Part of me feels like I have failed because I was considering giving in!!
I am leaving the office now for Shabbos so hopefully I can control myself and not give in. I am hoping that if I can stave it off till Shabbos then it will pass.
Have a wonderful Shabbos.
P.Y.

YOU HAVEN'T FAILED! this feeling will NEVER GO AWAY! the most you can do is to control it to the best of your ability! you ARE NOT A FAILURE! you are an honest,truthful Jew seeking to improve, who just happens to have an addiction.

You should know that I was in the exact same position just 2 days ago. As we had mentioned in previous posts,  I had woken up to the "perfect" day to be. Feeling good, happy, ready to learn, and .....go up.  The Y"H used the hashgacha pratis of the day, to almost finish me off. I was completely innocent, and then "things" one by one began to unfold. All of sudden I had an unbelievable ruach shtus come into my mind. I began to get ready to do things that I shouldn't do or want to do. I felt my breathing get heavier, (you know all of those symptoms....), and then "that" feeling that I wanted to be clean and go up started to disappear. I continued to go in the "wrong" direction, and then I was faced with the final "click".   I froze with my finger on the key, and in a few seconds hundreds of thoughts began to rush into my mind. They were the urgings, (loud screams) of the Y"H, and the more "quiet" words of  advice of the Y" Hatov.
   What happened?  I'm not sure, but I began to remember previous posts about Yosef Hatzadik, how he had actually come to Aishet Pottifur in order to sin, and in the end, even though he had "begun" the sin, his walking away in the middle was what made him great. I think that this thought was what had saved me. I immediately closed down the computer, and felt terrible. Yes, now the big Y"H went to his next best ploy....get the guy depressed. This ploy I am already aware of. So, I spent the rest of the time working on NOT being depressed. So, then he tells me, "you know that next time you will be weaker and then I will get you"....
   In short, this is our avodah. don't get depressed, and if you didn't look at the pics, and they were right there, this is unbelievable. Just keep going on.  BTW, I just heard a shiur tonight at shalosh seudos. The menuval constantly bombards us via the Koach Hadimion. He won't stop showing us all of the fantasies that we must have. WE are really missing out he tells us. This is his biggest gun...working through our imaginations. And, the defense to this is Simcha!!. This is what will burn his fantasies of sheker.

Great Chizuk from "Me".

Not so pashut Yid, you are already at Level 3 on our chart!

Mazal Tov and Keep strong!

One of the meanest tricks the menuval uses against us is, that even after we've won he tells us that we lost.

Not-at-all-pashat yid, the nissoyon that you passed is mamish on the madreiga of Yoseph Hatzadik! But instead of admitting defeat, the filthy menuval tries to get you depressed by telling you that you lost. If you would have the slightest inklilng what a tremendous Nachas Ruach you made, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself from simcha!

CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!