i just succombed.  I knew I was doing it, and i just couldn't tell my body to stop before i started.  it's as if my mind and body were two seperate entities.  I have depressive issues.  this does not help.  it's going to be a looooong night.

Coby,

You have issues? We all have issues! What do you think we're doing here on GYE? I have a hunch that other people out there who are not on this site also have issues. Maybe similar, maybe different, who knows?

We have the choice what to do with our issues. In the here, in the now. You succumbed, you fell, you did this, you did that... It happened man. Our strength is our bechira. What are you going to do now?!

You are a holy yid. Hold on to that and don't let that go.

We all love you here!

Dear Coby, did you think you'd find GYE and the addiction/disease would just dissappear? If you did, you're smart. Cuz we all hope that at first  , but unfortunately, it aint so simple. Group support is very important, but an addiction is a very complex issue, especially when coupled with depression issues. You may need therapy. Have you considered it? Please read through the handbook and see which tools you can try now that you haven't tried before!

Hashem gave this to you, knowing you'd get through it much stronger. But any good thing takes hard work and time.

Stick with us. Once you've arrived here, we'll pull you through thick and thin.

Yesh Tikva Le'acharisech.

thank you all for your votes of support.  it still doesnt change how i feel about it though.

What matters is not so much how you feel, but what you'll do about it 

i am in therapy ---- for many years now.  until now, i have not told anyone about my addiction, in fact i either avoided casual questions or lied through my teeth.  i sorta kinda told my girlfriend tonight.  we went out for three hours.  I told her in very vague terms about the gay history and that i have some lingering issues.  not sure how i feel about that.  she seemed to take it fine.  she said she was glad that i trusted her with the information.

wow!
that's huge!
i dont know exactly what you told her, but she's fine with it and happy that you trusted her?
how do you feel about that?
and you had the guts to bring it up to her!
well, i think that's def moving forward in the right direction, for both of you!

kol hakavod!

struggle