(there are lmaisa questions toward the end, so anyone that doesnt want to read the inner workings of a sick and confused bochur please just skip to there) as per minhag haolam, or at least my own, I am posting to say that I fell from my high horse of "victory". bemesI probably fell a few days ago, but that was "a little fall" and I wasnt able to really admit it. now I really did, no ways around it. I have a few excuses, but as much as I really want to use them, I know theyre fake. I decided to "check to make sure new filter worked", and then when it did, I decided to test its boundaries, and when THAT screen didnt load I decided to find a way to make it load. and then I choose every awful step after. I also chose to stop, but not until plenty of damage had been done, basically like deciding not to beat up my poor neshama after its already been knocked out.
i do want to take the excuses and analyze them, because I feel they have a clue as to what keeps causing these falls.
I really feel like I am walking a tightrope. my philosophical/hashkafic quandries that have plagued me since day one on here have been bad, however I have begun to admit that since taking measures to live a more spiritual life (obviously I have a ways to go still), though I still have questions, things are better and I cant imagine going back. this insight was sparked by myself as well as a fellow addict in the emails today (which I used to successfully prolong this fall a few hours). however, my spiritual "mood" has been very flux, and as strange as it is, it almost feels better to fall. that way I go from fluctuating, weary on unsure ground, to stable sure ground. it happens to be face down on the proverbial cement, feeling sorry for myself and clouded, in spiritual pain for the next however long. but at least I'm clear. that's an issue. I need to learn to deal with that uncertainty in order to get past this. I had been in correspondence with nederman, and he was helping me introspect the reasons, more precisely the pros/cons to acting out. I can seriously say that this fall had nothing to do (at least consciously) with loneliness, pleasure, or even a sense of self entitlement (I had a very stressful week of exams, and in theory I could have, illegitimately granted myself something to relieve the stress). it really had to do with choosing not to deal with the struggle and indulge in a binge so that I could neutralize and try again tomorrow. it happens to be that it usually SEEMS to work that way. but the truth is it always gets harder afterward. I hope it doesnt this time. I cant do this anymore. when I'm a "dry drunk", when I am acting out, either way I am just not being who I feel/think/(know?) I should be. I am being worse than everything I am critical of, worse than....I dont even know. As I was clicking away, I didnt want to fall. I just couldnt handle the crookedness, nor the desires I had already provoked. I gave up. I was a coward.
I also need a few new boundaries. I had been only using internet in public places, and then slipped even there and so decided to take it inside my room (that makes tons of sense, right?). I need to not do that (I am outside as we speak). I also need a new consequence. I had been using not wearing a certain pair of tzitzis I am quite fond of, but that's not working (complicated and somewhat irrelevant why). I could do a vow to donate tzeduka, but I feel that will only end poorly. maybe temporary ones, but ultimately that wont help. it will only be a bandaid. If need be I can, but I feel positive reinforcement is necessary (like being able to get married. but I guess thats too long term). What does the olam think?