im wrote on 16 Oct 2011 18:47:
Bh thanks to hashem and to all of his shlichim down here Im now clean for 30 full days, just entered level 3 on the 90 day chart
More than the number of clean days, i'm thrilled by the level of deepness and purity of those days. I was able to redefine what im careful of and what a slip should mean. I'm trying -and so far bh with great success- not to THINK or fantasize from מחשבות &הרהורים אסורים at all. when I slip I just slip into a מחשבה nothing more. that said, I slipped just 3-4 times WOW IM AWESOME I REALLY AM
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
On the other hand I was toren into pieces when the night after yom kiper I had a wet dream, I felt so pure after yom kiper having a sense of real תשובה and commitment. I took it as a sign that for me its not enough. as if hashem is asking and saying to me 'boy dont feel good about yourself I know your כוחות you should be doing much better' honestly I feel I could do even better just I dont know whats the next level is, I'm almost not thinking of it, yet I must admit I'm still looking (and sometimes starring) on women in the streets, but its just that, a look and its gone. its really hard for me to control it
Despite all that I manged to keep my spirit high, it shouldn't be hard taking into account where I'm at and where I'm coming from
May you all have a git yoor with a nice shiny truck..... time to roll
p.s. I said that I will use my home computer just once a week however this chol hmoad Im going to use it daily
That was your last post on this forum about a year ago. Nice post, actually.
But your share about your
current status was even more beautiful. Thanks so much for your honesty, which is
so much more precious and important than all the chizzuk one could give and certainly all the 'instruction' and certainly more relevant than all the 'great vorts' one could write. I know what helps me: it's always the honesty, not the platitudes. Even ugly honesty is better than pretty platitudes. Like in Birchos kriyas Sh'ma: "
emess" is fifteen steps away from "
v'yofeh" (from Rav Y. Ruderman zy"a).
It seems to me that you are being broken now. Ashrecha! Being broken was the best thing that ever happened to me...though I fought it for years. Even getting caught by my wife did not break me, even almosr getting arrested did not break me, and two near-death experiences including falling asleep at the wheel and crashing into a parked car at about 30mph - did not break me. I had to act out a lot more of my lust before getting there and the cumulative weight was enough...
then I 'quickly' became willing to do whatever it took to get OK. I got help.
It apparently took
every shameful act that I did and
every drop of sperm that I spilled to finally,
finally add together and make me
need to get better. Before that, I figured I could manage, no matter how crazy and complicated life got! The leiv nishbar is precious, and nothing else really is. And as long as my heart
remains broken, I will be OK and can stay sober - even though I have been sober for years and life is very, very good most of the time. I am broken, cuz I am an addict. And life is really great and getting better for me, for my wife and our kids, and for nearly all the people I come in contact with. Hashem flows through us when we let him, no matter how far from perfect we may be - when we let Him.
Sometimes we need to be broken by our own hand. And masturbating ourselves is certainly 'by our own hand'...we unzipped our own pants, right? Nobody forced us to do it.
There is a beautiful story of a chasid of the Rebbe of Karlin who once complained that he had not achieved the spiritual level to which he had aspired. "What can I do, my son?" the Rebbe asked. "Thus far I could not find the key to your heart." "The key?!" the student cried out in anguish. "Who needs a key? Use an axe to open my heart if you have to!" "No need," the Rebbe replied. "Your heart has just opened."
For many of us - particularly the true addicts among us like myself - masturbation and sexual acting out was the axe. For some it is prostitutes, and for others, worse. For many, it is depravity using internet porn, fantasy and masturbation that is enough. I meet all kinds in recovery chevras.
Ashreinu.
What do you want, chaver?