I really dont know what to say.. Ill just briefly descrobe my staus
I joined GYE about 2 years ago, at that stage I was falling almost on a daily basis. BH with the help of you guys here I was able to minimize my pattern, and to maybe fall once every other month. for me that was just a wow wow. but recently im in a total mess I keep n falling almost every day.. I just cant stop... I cant figure out whats happenesd to me but all I know is that I cant stop. all it takes is just a wild though and before i know anything I have fallen as deep as..... I keep on asking hashem every single shomnah esrah to help me but so far im staying on the floor with no idea how to raise myself just a drop...
I dont even know how to explain it, It letraly takes just a mere second for me to start mas... im just giving in honestly as i write this it just makes no sense i believe because i havnt had a 3 day clean streak n quite a while and im just sticking to the floor... oh vey I dont know what to do.. perhaps my writing here will serve as some sort of tangible help
hashem pls help me.. I really dont have to be so low

oh hashem just help me I have nowhere to turn.. Im such a lowlife and you gave me everything in the world... a yummy wife sweet kids a rock solid income... and Im giving you back this
nothing makes sense

now is the moment.. just this second.. Im starting anew
(i dont believe Im crying... didnt cry in a long time)

That's great that you were able to minimize the addiction for so long.
But it could be that now you need more inner work, maybe a 12-step program.
I also improved ton from basic GYE tactics, but when I started my first downward spiral in almost a year - by masturbating in the bathroom a few minuted before Tekias Shofar, I knew I gotta do something more. So I joned SA and have been clean for a month one day at a time.
I may fall again, but I'm trying to deepen my recovery as much as I can. Cause my life depends on it.

All the best!!!

dear downhill, may those tears of yours fly right up to shamayim! how many people are stuck in this wityout feeling bad about it? i think that if you keep on crying over your falls, eventually you wont fall anymore.it's a process, and the first step is acknowledging that it's bad, and crying.and THEN, doing.how long does the crying step last before the doing sets in? i say it depends. just my 2 cents. (or one cent).

jack

im wrote on 16 Oct 2011 18:47:


That was your last post on this forum about a year ago. Nice post, actually.

But your share about your current status was even more beautiful. Thanks so much for your honesty, which is so much more precious and important than all the chizzuk one could give and certainly all the 'instruction' and certainly more relevant than all the 'great vorts' one could write. I know what helps me: it's always the honesty, not the platitudes. Even ugly honesty is better than pretty platitudes. Like in Birchos kriyas Sh'ma: "emess" is fifteen steps away from "v'yofeh" (from Rav Y. Ruderman zy"a).

It seems to me that you are being broken now. Ashrecha! Being broken was the best thing that ever happened to me...though I fought it for years. Even getting caught by my wife did not break me, even almosr getting arrested did not break me, and two near-death experiences including falling asleep at the wheel and crashing into a parked car at about 30mph - did not break me. I had to act out a lot more of my lust before getting there and the cumulative weight was enough...then I 'quickly' became willing to do whatever it took to get OK. I got help.

It apparently took every shameful act that I did and every drop of sperm that I spilled to finally, finally add together and make me need to get better. Before that, I figured I could manage, no matter how crazy and complicated life got! The leiv nishbar is precious, and nothing else really is. And as long as my heart remains broken, I will be OK and can stay sober - even though I have been sober for years and life is very, very good most of the time. I am broken, cuz I am an addict. And life is really great and getting better for me, for my wife and our kids, and for nearly all the people I come in contact with. Hashem flows through us when we let him, no matter how far from perfect we may be - when we let Him.

Sometimes we need to be broken by our own hand. And masturbating ourselves is certainly 'by our own hand'...we unzipped our own pants, right? Nobody forced us to do it.

There is a beautiful story of a chasid of the Rebbe of Karlin who once complained that he had not achieved the spiritual level to which he had aspired. "What can I do, my son?" the Rebbe asked. "Thus far I could not find the key to your heart." "The key?!" the student cried out in anguish. "Who needs a key? Use an axe to open my heart if you have to!" "No need," the Rebbe replied. "Your heart has just opened."

For many of us - particularly the true addicts among us like myself - masturbation and sexual acting out was the axe. For some it is prostitutes, and for others, worse. For many, it is depravity using internet porn, fantasy and masturbation that is enough. I meet all kinds in recovery chevras.

Ashreinu.

What do you want, chaver?

thanks you guys for responding
I feel like im back in the game. what a breath of fresh air... yet i was mast. just a few hours ago.

I hadnt really paid attention of what i was writing I just had let my fingers roll and wrote whatever came to mind

ok tachlis.. I did email the filter support asking to block certain things which was dangerous to me. also tomorrow morning bl"n the first web page im opening is GYE 90 days chart (today is not a clean day unfortunately )

dear dov
you are a rock star
I believe that Im broken and depressed. i hope it cant get any more depressing. so in terms of being broken I have reached my goal
you made me reread my post from last year. I coudnt recognize me... so painful. oh those good old days. how i just wish i would stay like that

as bard (memories) use to say
wining means staying in the game
well Im back in the game

im wrote on 13 Nov 2012 20:35:


Welcome back (from before my times) & we hope you stick around and accomplish be"H.
Perhaps I can be mechabed you with a cute piece that I just came across:




Hatzlacha!

MT

im wrote on 13 Nov 2012 20:35:


...I relate so well. And the sad thing for me is that back when we wrote those posts we probably would not have imagined, "oh how I'd wish to stay this way"!

If you agree, that means one thing: things are not as bad as we imagine they are - and things are not as good as we imagine they were. It's both, or neither. Time for us all to grow up a bit - boy oh boy do I need to - and take this life He is giving us right now with both hands, and not as a bidieved ugly thing. Either accept His Will for me right now as the best He can do for me, or forget it.

Easy does it. Amd please take some real action steps - not just posting.

Hatzlocha and welcome BA-A-ACK!!

WHAT S WRONG WITH ME
fell .... again

my filter is not yet adjusted (blaming on anything but me)
couldnt even START the 90 day chart

dov wrote on 13 Nov 2012 22:36:

so what steps should I take
I still believe that I have the power to do it by jut a few simple tips and some encouragement along the way. I have done it before for almost 90 days.. more than once
so what steps please... give me something to start working..

life is not that long.... I already messed up such a great part of it.. these gray days will always haunt me, but at least I wanna get to the point were ill look back at it.. .. .. .. .. not live it..
its so not me

When you are truly in recovery, these days will not haunt you.
They haunt you now because you are living them.

You've tried to do this on your own for long enough I think.

If you are not really an addict, you obviously don't really need recovery as addicts use it. It's take it or leave it for you - and that's fine. So how can I advise you what you need to do? I'm an addict, not an expert on self-help.

But I will say that if you are not successful getting and using all the tips people offer you, then you may want to consider that you are an addict and need help - for in the end, it is our very best efforts and or own best thinking that got us in all this trouble. Give it a few months of 'really' good effort, if you want (of course, it begs the question: and what have you been doing for the past seven years?). Chances are at least 50% that it can work for you, for I believe that very few of those who have a porn and masturbation habit are actually addicts. You may be able to do this! But if you see the pattern is persisting, why be an idiot? Like you said: life is pretty short. Don't let yourself get suckered into a silly pattern of 'hischadshus' and 'chizzuk' just to keep failing gracefully. You deserve better.

Havei zanav l'aroyos v'lo rosh l'shualim. The sualim are the losers. Better to be a winner at the tail than a loser at the head. The poor folks who insist they can beat this with their heads are choosing to stay losers. Personally, I'm with Chaza"l and would rather dangle ingloriously at the tail of the winning side - the sober side - ad meyah v'esrim!

dov wrote on 14 Nov 2012 21:20:


Amen!

Mr. not alone,
Several months ago I was in little bit similar situation.
Had been fighting for 10 years, had grown tons from tips and attitutes in forum here.
So said in beginning of Elul that will give last shot from now till Chanukah.
If doesn't see big change by then, will join SA.
Was great for few weeks.
Then on Rosh Hashonoh felt the urge.
Little bit B4 Shofar went to bathroom and masturbated.
Started big spiral that lasted month.
Realized that am nuts,
so joined SA right away.

So maybe try that (like Dov suggested).
Say that will try to stop with the true GYE attitudes (powerless over yetzer like sais in gemara, need to daven, to avoid lust not to fight it, all one day at a time, etc.) for a certain preset amount of time.
Give it all you got.
If works great.
If not, time to move on to next thing.

All the best,

Chaim

thanks for responding.. it keeps me going
yeah it could very well be that im fooling myself with this "i could do it myself " notion..
on the other hand as far as i try to stay objective here, i think i have the power and the strength to overcome this addiction... perhaps i didnt work that hard until now...
and yes, maybe im not an addict.. but who knows... I was never someone else to be able to draw a contrast
is there anyway i could clerify all that... how could you know if im an addict or if i just didnt work hard enough?


In any case, im 24 hours clean now.. which -at least- is a starting point... at least im not sticking to the floor.. i was able to pick myself up a drop
oh I goota tell you guys... it feels good
I just wanna be now by day 30... the only thing that divides me from getting there is .. 29 days.. I just wish it could come sooner

im wrote on 15 Nov 2012 16:56:


Actually, the only thing that divides you from getting there is ONE DAY! And since you already succeeded in getting one day, whay can't you just do the same for one day? And then, once you learned the secret of 'just one day', keep it up - one day at a time.

Hatzlacha

MT

If it came sooner, then it would all be a big joke, nothing more. For unlike the sweet porn and sweet fantasies attached to our masturbation and sex - this is real . And realness is what makes reality so precious.

We know fake oh so well...

You are certainly on a better footing now.