Hi Avrohom, I started reading this topic and couldnt get my eyes off. Youre honesty and your drive really stunned me. No matter how beaten, you refuse to Give up! Kol Hakavod!

i started doing (its g-d not me ) a dsr meeting on the phone been doing my prayers the past few days with g-d help been sober a few days (no counting as dov says) my ssa problem i thought of doing some seminer that was on the ssa page my sponser said i shouldnt and treat it like i treat my addiction and not to worry yesterday at a face to face meeting i shared my ssa thing it was not easy i chickened out when i shared so i shared again it was good getting it off my chest targets for today call two new people from my meeting

Avrohom,

I have alot of respect for your struggles.

I take alot of chizuk from you.

Its great to have people like you around.

moish u.k. wrote:

ditto!

melost wrote:


And you also posted:




Chaver, I want to share with you that I sufferred as much as the next guy in making a mistake you may be making, as well: putting the cart before the horse...and then we wonder why it is not working. Maybe you will say that I am not being nice. But what should I do - ignore mishega'as just because it is well-meaning? I care about you, too. So:

What's all this talk of "I am getting closer to Hashem/my Higher Power,"? Sure, it is a basic recovery goal and the fruit of this program (cuz it's part of sanity)...but why are you making that your goal-post now? The steps END with Step 11: "sought through prayer and meditation to gain conscious contact (that is, closeness) with G-d, etc." They don't begin with them, at all. Yet here you are struggling to stay sober...and measuring your success by how close you feel to Hashem! I think you are just setting yourself up for emotional dissapointment and failure. You are putting the cart before the horse, amigo!

Relax. Your G-d will come into your life more and more as long as you make room for Him. And it is His business at this point in your recovery, not yours.

Sure you will get plenty gifts of real G-d-awareness here and there even from the beginning. But please: consider not making it your target now. Not yet. Keep your sights low and humble, and let a simply sober day be something you can really smile about under your covers while falling asleep every night, for a while.

People who are down and out are often told they need to "work on their self-esteem." But really, I and others have found that it's almost the opposite that they really need to work on, for relief. See, many people who are sad about themselves are that way because they have unrealistic expectations. They essentially believe they aught to be what they imagine is 'great'. To 'madreigos'. Then when they collide with where they are really holding - especially being addicts starting recovery - we crumble undr the failurehood of it all. We always have! It drove us to masturbate, ruined the pleasure of our avodas Hashem. Imperfection sucks, doesn't it? The tremenmdous weight of being 'a Torah loser', not holding a candle to the gedolim - or really to anybody around us - yes, that's what we do. We look around and see the faults of everyone else - or we see them as superior. The playing field is horribly unfair in our twisted minds, isn't it? No wonder we can go in just a day or two from crying at Lecho Dodi, to masturbating ourselves in the bathroom...

Sorry this was so long, melost. And sorry for doing a weak job explaining it. Hatzlocha with this and with working your program, or whatever you use instead of the 12 steps. Hashem is everywhere and helps everyone - everyone without exception - who really wants it (as we say in Ashrei). You definitely want it.

- Dov

Dov wrote:

thank its good when someone is honest with me what do mean by im not doing the 12 steps progam

been in bed from bedining of the week b'h feeling better i used to think hashem is punishing me for my sins well now i did'nt i'm ill not sinful didnt realy do step work did'nt have the strenth my sponser told me to start writing 5 good thing every day

long time no see

so how've you been?

MT

yeah, what's doing?

Hey, Melost. Now that Hashem is done punishing you for your sins, can we get back to zambonying? Or is He still not done whipping you?

The ice rink is waiting, our peyos are tied behind our heads, and the puck is waiting for someone's teeth.

C'mon man. Get out here w the rest of us bozos!

hi guys long time not here to busy with sa meetings and talking to guys

That's great!

Hey, we found melost .

how are you doing?

Welcome back, our friend!!

great to know u r busy in good stuff!

Gonna be at the SA convention?