BSD

after being on the wall of honour for some time, after i was naively sure i was really clean , i had this !@@#$% FALL yesterday. in fact two falls. one MZL and one going online to even worse stuff than before my journey.

how am i feeling now?

tired, depresed, worthless. hating myself. feeling like i am cheating society.

any help anybody???

and to top it all, i didn't manage to report it on my log, as every time i wrote my dates I got a message saying I was exceeding some date or whatever. If any of you are on the technical team, i would really appreciate some help.

thumbs down,

kevin

I'm sure you feel miserable but you can't let the same yetzer hora who dragged you down keep you down.

Pick yourself up and start again.

Getting up when you are down is one of the greatest expression of love for Hashem.

As a parent I had tremendous nachas watching my son learn to walk and no matter how many time he fell he kept on getting up - and we all cheered.

I'm cheering for you.

You will be successful

-Eli

What about all the good days you had?

Think about all the times you felt an urge and used the right behavior, not just the amount of uninterrupted time. Did the sobriety you had make you stronger?

The following is adapted from the words of Rabeinu Yonah in Yesod Hateshuva:

A person who fell and wants to return to Hashem, let me teach you the correct way. On that very day he should throw away all his wrongdoings, and pretend as if he was born that day and he has no merits and no faults. Today is the beginning of his deeds. Today he will examine his actions so that they will not veer from the correct path. This tactic will bring him to return fully to Hashem. For he will imagine himself as if he's getting rid of his heavy load of wrongdoings. And his conscience will not disturb him from returning due to embarrassment from his wrongdoings, which may cause him to think, "How can I dare and return to Hashem when I sinned so terribly, I did such and such, I transgressed again and again countless times. I am embarrased to stand before Hashem - I feel like a thief who was caught red-handed. So how can I enter His court and do His mitzvos?" One must not think like that! Beacuse the YH sits like a fly at the doors of the heart, with new tactics each day, looking forward to trip the person, and he makes him think such terrible ideas. Rather, one must realize that this is Hashem's way, His hand is out-stretched to receive those who return. Therefore it is rightful that one should simply throw away his wrongdoings and make himself a new heart...

(If anyone relates to such chizzuk, feel free to read the rest of the holy words in the source.)

Hatzlacha

MT

I think we all know how you feel. Had that plenty of times. I feel the pain..
Use it as a building block. Good luck for the new clean slate.

I really think we NEED to start counting "Cumulative Clean Days" and stop counting "Days Clean So Far", Because when u fall after a long streak, its very hard to start over again!!!

Our foucus should be every day on today and if today was clean then we add it to the count!!!

Even better, count the behaviors. You can get a wrist counter. When you get an urge and you don't think about sex, increment the counter. You'll develop a belief that you are super strong against this yetzer hara.

When you do think about sex, stop thinking about it as soon as you can and move as if nothing had happened.

Over a few weeks the feeling of powerlessness will come under control.

Keep on trucking Kevin. I guess just after a long streek, when we feel safe, something happens, a problem, a challenge, it just makes us smaller so we don't grow too tall, beyond the clouds. It's hard to start again, hard to cry to Hashem and hard to admit that we are helpless. That's a good start and you made the start.

One day at a time.

Gut chodesh to you brother!!!

-Michael

BASAD

Hey!!!

Thank you SO much, all of you, who gave me such amazing supprot. You moved me almost to tears. I could feel you were really there for me.

My problem is a little bit more acute, though: I do manage to stay clean for long periods of time,B"H, and thanks for the vote of confidence there. However, whenever i do fall, i watch something a little bit worse than before, (pritzus-wise) and it is almost becoming a scary pattern of slippery slopes.

any advice on that?

Nederman- thanks 4 the advice. what is the pulse reader? is that a device? where can u get it in israel?

millions of thanks again to all of you!!

kevin

It's just a counter. Amazon UK might ship to Israel, I don't know.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wrist-Stroke-Scorer-Score-Counter/dp/B006VVUCL4/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1350618279&sr=8-8 />
You can also use pen and paper, or a smart phone. Just keep track. As you do it you will start noticing that sometimes you choose not to lust. The more you do it, the easier it gets to do it again.

thanks, nederman. i think i will use my phone.

the approach is what makes the difference.

have a good voch!

Kevin

The higher you climb the further you fall.

Just get your act together and start again

thanks again , everyone!
I made a new resolution today, with the new approach that was suggested here. I decided to focus on the amount of times i said "NO" to the YH, rather than on the negative side.

AND i did count, mamash, the amount of times the YH tried to get hirhurim into my head.

wan'na know the results?

In the morning/ shacharis time it was twice an hour (!!!) but during the rest of the day it alomst completely stopped. Interesting....

Good for you if the yetzer leaves you alone, but the thing that counts is when the yetzer hara tries to get your attention and you blow it off. That's the count you want. A really important thing is to be really resolved that this is best for you. If you are not resolved or if you want to check, you can write down the pros and cons.

BSD

obviously I blew the yetzer away, otherwise he wouldn't have left me. He is THE die-hard of the world...