last night, after dealing with a general down, I found myself toying with searches that could have ended badly. BH they did not, but I need to work on that. The most interesting thing is that I had a dream where sparing the details, I acted out in a very strange way. Again, bchasdei Hashem nothing happened physically, and even stranger, there was no images of people in the dream, something that usuaully accompanies them. I view it as a warning of sorts, not to make a kli of sorts for an aveira because the averia itself could easily accompany it. Perhaps I am reading too deep, or not deep enough, but I need to keep my eye on this and watch (pardon the pun)how close to fire I get.

Awesome!

amazing

so shortly after I cant believe I just did what I did. all things considered, not a huge slip, but a slip. When I get down and depressed, or have too much free time I "flirt" (term I've used) with means of getting past filter. my yetzer haraa wants to see, yetzer tov doesnt. so I'll be searching for something I know has a chance of being something I shouldnt look at, while blocking it with my hand. and then sometimes I do that and something is seen. in the past I have jumped right onto it, usually ending with a binge, etc. this time I saw briefly, really not expecting to, or at least not as bad as I did, and actually covered the screen, got out of it, and immediately began to contemplate if this was a fall or not. then I came here to digest. moral of the story: I REALLY need to stop doing that, and focus right now (I plan on getting off computer after this post) on remaining fully clean (I actually decided I will not call this a real fall providing I dont go back for more/act on any urges through the night, not including anything that happens b'ones in sleep). I seriously need to work on these things, and by these things I mean the deeper reasons I go to porn. BH I have been really good about it, but those deeper issues havent been resolved. ugh. thanks in advance for the support.
ps-I want to make a point to post not just when I mess up. I almost use it as a means of justifying what I have done, though that reason is tuffel in legitamately wanting to work on it and needing an outlet to express those concerns. thanks!
M

so, after a bout of depression, and a stubborn yetzer, I am somewhere in the "fell" range. I didnt see what I was looking for, and I didnt physically fall, though I did visualy and couldnt seem to get myself to just stop. I wanted to, at least part of me did. It's the depression. When you already feel flat, the defense is so much weaker. however, in terms of not getting what I was looking for, BH my filter is pretty good. I may have to make it tighter to avoid where I did fall, but all in all could have been worse. I am not sure if I am rationalizing, or just trying not break down. or perhaps I really think this. but I cant imagine this will directly help good.

Hatzlocha, friend.

thanks. i need it. not just here, but this fall was very obviously a symptom of the bigger problem sneaking out. I'm not being honest, and when I lie and try to control everything, I wind up losing it because I need something to fill that void. even if the something is thorns and needles, right in my spiritual eyes. i really need to get a hold of this...or let it go

Don't stubbornly try to reinvent the wheel, friend. There are programs for this. There are fellow people with the same problem as you describe. Going it alone is just fear and gayvoh leading us. This is simple, not complicated. Humility is the only thing that keeps it that way.

You are not alone. Use the help for real.

Hey - have a good one, chaver!

just an update, after 71 days, I finally fell in a way that cannot be rationalized out of. pretty obviously full blownfall. I wrote a long diary entry, and highlighted somethings I need to work on. incidently, none of them are explicitly this problem. That is because I am starting to understand what lies under it. Obviously I need to upgrade my boundaries too, and make sure I dont fall, but my real work is not in focusing on this. It's with being honest, with both G-d and myself. Interesting enough, I'm pretty sure thats the same thing that SA is about...
thanks for the support, and I'm sorry that I let you, myself, and of course, Hashem, down...
next time, with Hashem's help, the streak will be one day...at a time...G-d willing, much more than one day collectively, but I think I may cut the counter for a bit. This isnt a game to win, this is a life to live...

Is there anybody in this entire world whom you can (and do) get absolutely clear with about exactly what you did when you 'fell'?

I could never have gotten sober at all if all I said was "I fell" to my safe recovery buddies. The capacity we have for sounding and feeling incredibly sincere even though we are not, is shocking.

That's why I ask. I read so many people who have some success, yet shlep with this for years and years, finally to faed away...

You do not need to be a statistic. This fall can be the very best thing that ever happenned to you in this life - if you use it, brother.

aside from specifics (that could be damaging to each other) I actually do discuss it with my chevrusa in the middle of our getting distracted from learning. the discussion is limited in that it takes place in a beis medrash, and there are certain things I wont discuss there (so why would I bring my neshama into those?) but I am open about it to him.
I would love to use this fall (as I have wanted to each) for productive purposes. I feel there is a potential for that, but it is dependent on maintaining sobriety in the interum. After last night, and a really nice last night at that, I found a way to more thoroughly search the key words I had used to avoid the filter earlier. as expected, that ended with me feeling very sgutzy, foolish, and mad at myself. Today has been better, but I wont get anywhere like that. I have accepted that I need to treat my computer as a woman (with regard to yichud), and attempted to make an "alone" mode on my computer where I cant access the internet (I am not techninolically knowlegeable enoug to do that, and just intend on not using the internet in my room without my roomate there.)
ze mah yesh... b'ezras Hashem it will go up from here. I'm trying to balance feeling proud out how well I did until yesterday, and be present with the pain that comes with what happened.

Hatzlocha, chaver.