Help, i have been clean for around 10 days now and have just look at pornography and feel like a am going to fall to masterbation! I need words of advice and chizuk now!

The yetzer is the hidden thoughts that create that terrible feeling. The thoughts might be "what are you wasting your time fighting, you know you are going to lose" and "you are worthless because you love sex, you are a superficial person, you are a hedonist, your worth is zero."

Try to figure out what internal thoughts are generating that feeling, because once you know them you can fight them (maybe next time) I can show you how.

Remember that here we all love sex and we accept you just the way you are.

IMATTER wrote on 05 Oct 2012 02:39:

If I just intentionally look at pornography now, I would certainly lose it and fall, too. So? So I can't afford to look at porn. Just like you. But you seem to be saying that your weakness is a problem of some kind. Is it? What is the problem?

If I close my eyes for 30 seconds while I drive I will surely die. Is that a problem? Nope. I do not do it, for I can't afford to. I lack the ability (am powerless) to drive with my eyes closed. So? So you and I lack the ability to enjoy porn without paying a heavy price of ending up doing stupid things that we hate paying the price for. So? So we will not be able to afford to use porn. Is that a problem - a sad thing?

If it is, you can admit it here. The beauty of GYE! For there was a time that it was truly the biggest tragedy for me, too.

But we are so lucky, so fortunate. Ashreinu! 10 days is a tremendous gift, IMATTER!

The only important day and the best day to be clean is today, right? Not ten days ago and not tomorrow.

Love,

Dov

(10 days is a wonderful gift, isn't it?)

To Dov,

I deffinetly have a problem with pornography, but even though I have a filter and web chaver on my personal computer, when i go home for break, there is no filter on my home computer, so this is when i look at pornography. However when i am in school throughout the year with my filter on my computer i can go months without looking on pornography. Nonetheless, even when i dont look at pornography for those few months i still fall to masterbation, why is that?

You and I both know that filters are no long term solution and there will be a day when there will be a computer without one...but that is a bridge you will cross then. In the mean time, this is now, and having a filter is something that helps us remember we have no business lust-dredging on the internet. So please forgive my impertinence, but:

Why don't you put a filter (like K-9) on the home computer? Is it resistance from the parents, wife, or someone else (I do not know if you are 12 or 30, married or not)? Is it your own reluctance to insist a filter be put on it that is sabotaging you? Hey, this is important to you, no? Let them know you want a filter and 'blame' it on the psak of many poskim. No big deal.



But your problem does not sound like addiction to me. Does it to you?

You have a yetzer hora, you like how orgasm feels when you masturbate, and you have the body parts to do it. I don't understand why you seem surprised.
This is what Hashem created Teshuvah for.

Addiction and recovery are not aveiros and Teshuvah.

Guys masturbate cuz it feels good and have wet dreams because sex - whether it is right or wrong - feels nice. You are not the only one. Yaakov Avinu calls Reuven "Reishis Oni" because as Chaza"l tel us, he did not have a wet dream and Reuven was from his 'first' sperm. The Novi Eliyahu is praised as a holy man by the Shunamis lady because, as Chaza"l tell us, she washed his sheets and never noticed sperm on them.

These people would never have sunk so low as we do, to masturbate themselves, and that is not my point. My point is that having no wet dreams is an achievement worthy of the greatest of prophets from 3000 years ago.

On our level, the struggle with sex with ourselves (masturbation) is quite understandable, if we are just humble enough to admit it to ourselves. And with Hashems help (He loves you), you can find a trusted and understanding Rebbi or friend here or (far better) in person to talk with about your challenge in detail and on a weekly or even daily basis. That's OK.

But going it alone and in total secrecy is the way we isolate and keeps this real struggle much bigger and deeper that it deserves to be. There will always be religious zealots who want you to make never masturbating again the entire focus of your life. They often cite kabalistic and hashkafic reasons to do that. I hope you do not twist yourself into a Gordian knot by listening to that yetzer hora. It is based on pride - the expectation that we should measure up to people we cannot even begin to relate to. Ba'asher Hoo shom is the key to Teshuvah - where you really are, who you really are. Hashem is in reality, not fantasy - not even religious fantasy. I believe you understand what I mean.

Torah is like water. It is meant to flow down to the lowest spot. It does not flow up. Let yourself be what you are, and find G-d right there. Shock at 'still having this struggle' is unreasonable. Go and get the help you really need.

That help will not come in a book, nor a sefer, nor in thinking about it and crying. It will come in opening up to real people. This is a real, live problem and isolation is its main protective layer.

Hatzlocha!!

- Dov