in a strange turn from the norm, I am writing because I havent had anything to write. Since my last post, I havent had so much of an issure, bli Ayin hara. I have had temptations, and BH, made it through. The fences and advice I have recieved have been productive, and helped avoid catastrophe. However, I havent had anything to say. That doesnt mean things have been easy, and I've been confused and thinking a lot, but the thoughts have been about other issues (mainly existential/hashkafic). I happen to think the issues are somewhat related, but irrelevant for this arena.
Is this normal, good, bad, or otherwise. I ask because I feel that I really want to work on the issue to make sure that my success lasts, as well as help others. However, I have done so without working through any recovery steps. I have been davening stronger, learning more (actually part of the reason I havent been on is because I had no time). I dont deny that I am an addict, and I know that things could turn in an instant, Chas vShalom. But I havent felt a need to post.
gmar vchasima tova lkol!

Welcome back.
Glad things are going well with your recovery.
I think it's important to separate your addiction recovery from your hashkafa issues.
It's actually dangerous to your recovery to bundle it with your hashkafic peace of mind. Because if you hit a low in your hashkafic struggle, it can then easily spill over into acting out.
You want to be sober because you can't go on living in addiction.
Sure, you're one person. But the reasons you want to be free from the addiction are not exclusively religious. In fact, they don't have to be religious at all.

I agree, but a component is the general spiritual well being and awareness of that that is inherently intertwined with my acting out/sobriety.
I also have found that although by far this was the most recurring (at least that I am aware of) aveira that I did over the past year, and I am sincerely sorry for it, I havent really been able to focus my teshuva energy on it. It's sort of like, "I did that, I dont want to, I'll try not to, please forgive me."
I dont know, maybe this is good. just not sure.

If you mean that you are not working on your recovery, I might see your point. If you are a dry drunk it would show up in resentment, envy, anger, etc. Did it?

Other than that it sounds good. Obsessing over recovery reinforces the belief of powerlessness. A recovered person has no reason to obsess over these things. Act as if.

strugglingandstrivngBT wrote on 23 Sep 2012 03:51:


R' Shneur Zalman in Sefer HaTanya, part 3 (Igeret HaTeshuva) perek 1 writes: והנה מצות התשובה מן התורה היא עזיבת החטא בלבד (כדאי' בגמ' פ"ג דסנהדרין ובח"מ ססי' ל"ד לענין עדות) דהיינו שיגמור בלבו בלב שלם לבל ישוב עוד לכסלה למרוד במלכותו ית'

i think it means exactly what you've done, you want to stop and you're actively working on it!
we needed to do what we can, and hashem will do what he can!

hatzlocho rabbo!

my concern is the lev shalem part...
in regards to a dry drunk: thank G-d I dont have anger or resent. Recently some undealt with (I actually thought it was dealt with, but my reactions speak otherwise) issues from over a decade ago (I'm only 24) surfaced in a few dreams. It was quite strange. There is a certain sense of self that seems to be lacking and definitely causes the pain that at one point (really at many points) I had used various outlets, P/M among them, to escape from. Now I am ready to deal with it, but not sure how. It leaves me a little uneasy and confused, which is basically what I mean by hashkafic issues (@E Tek). I am being vague I know, and I intend on following up with explanations later, I just dont have the energy/time (I'm not sure which is stronger) to do so right now.
thanks for the warmth!
M

Well, take your time. We're all here for you!

Gmar Chasima Tova!
Meir