I just got back home a few days ago from a 6 week stay in a summer kollel. It was amazing and I was totally clean for the whole time. Then I got home, ready to carry on. and...
After my time and seeing how I can function clean, how it feels to function clean, and how easy it is to really mess up, as well as reading some articles here, I am ready to admit defeat and try to work on this in a way that isnt mine. I am not sure what that is, but it will be. Stronger fences, no "sips", and no more semantics games. I still dont like the word addict, and I dont think mine is bad enough that it would literally kill me, but it would kill me spiritually and to be quite honest, I am sick of that. I think that has been my issue the whole time; that I dont have an addiction like those of druggies or whatnot that mamash risk their lives. I "just" risk my neshama. I did that for 19 years and my YH tells me, whats another few moments. no. I'm done. I want to apologize for the beligerence I have had in the past, and request advice on how to start. However want to point out that tapsic hasnt worked so well in the past and I dont have so much time for in person meetings. other than those two caveats (which I know may be big) I am open. please accept my apology and rewelcome me into a place to get clean...

You can do the twelve step program, that is one option. It works, but you will always think of yourself as an addict.

If you learn cognitive therapy skills you can actually change. You can read "Feeling Good" by David Burns. To give you a taste, try the following techniques:

1. Once a day picture yourself in twenty years looking back on your life. Will you feel good having used dirty pictures for so long?

2. Picture yourself going to shul Shabbos morning. Imagine that you never masturbate. It will feel good being one of the tzadikim in the community.

3. Every time you feel powerless to fight your lust think the following to yourself (do not say it):

Telling myself that I am powerless does not make it okay for me to lust.

The feeling does not grow by itself. It is not a time bomb. I cannot become aroused further unless I choose to think of something lude. If I focus on other things later I will turn around and the feeling will be gone.

I am not more powerless to think of something lude when I am very aroused. I am at no less fault in that case.

4. When you feel like having lude thoughts start doing something you enjoy. Be prepared to improvise and think out of the box. For example, learning may not necessarily be something you enjoy. You might enjoy a drink, or talking to a friend, or listening to music.

Welcome back!
Keep posting, we are reading them.
We're rooting for ya!

Meir