Hi all

Not knew to this site. Just changed my name. Please don't try figure out my previous identity as some people may know who I am. That is why I changed it. I am sure that many of you just after a fall feel a great need to chat to Guard, a Rabbi, a psychologist, psychiatrist  or someone else. Or even when there is some issue in one's life, one feels a need to communicate to another and very often that information is quite personal and could be interpreted incorrectly. My Rabbi gave me a little mussar. I express my thoughts too easily and do not strain them so that they become appropriate for others to hear or read. I am always typing emotional emails to him and Guard. People can draw all sorts of conclusions from such communication that really makes one seem like a 'nut' or that one has some emotional illness. I have a great compulsion to talk to someone or communicate with another when issues and problems arise in my life and they invariably do. I find it difficult to box them in my mind when I know I should. Either they should be a secret (family issues) or they are just inappropriate. I wanted to post something on the forum this morning but I decided against it because the issue involved many people and that may give away my identity. I instead emailed it to Guard and a good friend and Guard appropriately answered me with "????????????". He was right! I was pushing my compulsion to communicate too far. I do it with my mother, my friends, Reb Guard and people who I hardly know, which can tarnish my reputation. I have this need for relationship (I am not married and not going out with anyone), and my desperation for a relationship often leads me to force a relationship by talking about inappropriate subject matter (not anything about sex but just general info). When I fall (I have not fallen for 16 days), I want to communicate. I say things I shouldn't, I email Guard inappropriate emotional nonsense and in the end I fall even further by not restraining my compulsion to communicate. 

Also I know I am a people pleaser. I did a wrong to someone yesterday. I was totally in the wrong. I cannot fix it. I can say sorry, "please will you forgive me" but I cannot reverse the issue as it has become more complicated. The person I wronged is right to feel that I have perpetrated a wrong against him. I did. I know that! I plead guilty. No defence! I am upset that he feels bad about me and not that I was wrong. I want people to like me so I try and please them and often to my own detriment. I seem to run my life with a guilty conscience instead of with some semblence of intellect and objective analysis.   

I feel that I need to become emtionally independent in the sense that I should not rely on others to act as my emotional crutches. I need to be independently stable so that one day when I get married I will be a pillar for my family to lean on for support and not require them to become my emotional crutches. I want my future wife to look at me for support and strength and not as weakling who constantly needs her "therapy". I also do not want to be my futire wife's therapist. I should not expect her to be mine.

It seems my compulsion to communicate is not letting me finish this post. Just one more thing. I want to date. I want to get married to the appropriate person (if she exists). I cannot meet her socially as I cannot just walk up to arbitrary girls and talk to them because they may be pretty. I feel desperate for marriage and desperate for a date. The shadchanim I am using hardly ever call me and when they do they want to set me up with someone too young or large or someone who is not ambitious. That leads to hopelessness. Hopelessness and desperation are not a good combination. Perhaps Hashem will engineer a meeting one shabbos at someone's table. So I guess I must just sit and wait until he does! I am Finished now!         

Are you finished yet?

Oh, I just noticed, you wrote "I am finished now". Ok.  :D

The reason I answered you with "????????????" was because you had addressed it to someone else and I thought it was sent to me by mistake. I actually answered you later, once I realized that you wanted my opinion... (When you love someone, you want to help them in ALL areas in life  :D)

And since I want to help you, I will suggest to you the best Shadchan you could ever hope to meet. He has made millions of Shidduchim, and he is very good at it. He knows how to make people "somehow" meet up with their true Zivug, when the time is just right. Hey, He is right there in the room with you! Why not have a little chat with Him?  

Dear Shaul,

I am sure you'll find, as I did, that when you're clean, you are much more confident on dates, and things go much better in this area.  However, in the final analysis, the Parsha of Shidduchim requires a lot of Siyata d'Shemaya.

I'm no expert, but you may find counseling helpful to work through these issues.

Rough. Very rough and painful...
Hope you’re doing well