B"H

Does anyone else feel like they just go into robot mode right before they go to look at shmutz, etc.? like you're just in automatic and can't shake it? This keeps happening to me (aside from occasionally pulling away, but thats a chok). how do I get out of this auto mode?

Yes that happens to me as well. I read somewhere that when a man is about to sin all his knowledge leaves him and a spirit of folly descends on him. We've all felt it, and it's very difficult to pull yourself back once you start slipping. After all we're only human and desire usually drowns out the voice of reason.

The trick is to avoid getting into the situation into the first place. That's actually a lot easier than it sounds, because often you don't think it's that bad to indulge in a bit of titillation and you honestly don't want to give it up.

BUT, if we admit to ourselves where the 'first drink' has led us in the past then we realise that as addicts we can't use lust like normal people. On the odd occasion we escaped we were just lucky. The pain and depression associated with a fall just isn't worth that 10-15 mins of WOW. (after that time, you just get desensitised and need harder stuff anyway)

I had to bash my head against the wall a couple of dozen times in terms of falls before I even began to admit it to myself.

Hope that helps,

DL

Welcome back!
The keys to change are in DL's response above.
I'm reposting my response to your original post. Maybe you'll find it helpful this time around.

I completely relate to where you are right now. That's about where I was when I first discovered this site, and learned that I had an addiction and wasn't stam a evil person with nothing but evil thoughts. My sick thoughts were undermining any progress I may have made in any and all areas of my life, personal, spiritual and even professional.

I had hit bottom. I realized I couldn't, or at least really didn't want to go on living this contradiction.

The addiction fought back hard, terrified of losing my supply of the lust drug, which I had become so dependent on -- it was ME, or so I believed. My response has remained the same -- I surrender my lust to Hashem. I beg Him to take my lust because I cannot battle it on my own. I focus all my efforts on consistently surrendering my lust, letting it go.

I studied the 12 steps and began applying them earnestly and consistently. Being in a group would have been better, but I have remained sober for over three years by stubbornly surrendering my lust whenever it comes knocking. I continue to take it one nisayon at a time, one day at a time.

I see that you tried Taphsic and it didn't work for you. Taphsic is about fighting. It isn't necessary if you truly surrender your lust.

Vigilant shmiras eynayim is a double-edged sword, and both edges are for your advantage. First, it cuts off a major supply route of the lust drug. Secondly, it is a constant reminder of how sick my mind is, that I really can't look, or I'm cooked. Another reason I'm always hyping shmiras eynayim, especially to newcomers, is because it's something you can begin doing right away. You can commit to it this minute.

Had enough? Ready to break free?
Lets go!

Yeshurun,

Nobody can climb a massive mountain in one day. Even the people who get to the top will tell you they encountered a million difficulties on the way - how they slipped, fell, cursed and swore at difficulties (some even life threatening). Don't let minor and temporary setbacks slow you down. You need to keep focused on the big picture and the ultimate goal - freedom and self-mastery.

Even the greatest generals have lost battles.

BW,

DL

Just remembered a couple of GYE classics lol: 'Take things one day at a time'

and 'every time we say no, we gain merits that are ours to keep forever. We also create angels that help us to break free.'

The YH doesn't play by any rules. He will do anything to make you fall and give up. Sometimes he catches us off guard with a new super-weapon and he pulverizes our troops for a while. But if we keep our heads cool and analyse the situation soon we will have countermeasures and we can counterattack, and repay him some of the 'favours' he's done for us.

Yeshurun wrote on 05 Aug 2012 21:37:


Like DL said, the small goal is to get through today. Just today. That's all we have to get through.




When I was doing all the things I shouldn't, then fighting for a few days, then falling again, I usually planned to fall. I gave in hours before the actual act. I accepted it was coming and "there was nothing I could do." Robot mode.

The key is to surrender these early thoughts as soon as you detect them. Unwavering commitment to giving up lust. Surrender here doesn't mean giving up. It means giving it up. Giving up lust. Surrendering it to Hashem, and asking him to take it, again, for now, so I can think clearly again.

I like that, Alex. Not giving up, rather giving it up. Thanks.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Alex!
Mottel

Really helpful kavannos. I appreciated it. So when you were beset with thoughts or lust, what did you do to either run away, or fight?

Welcome. Your question is a good one. Once i realized i couldn't/can't win through fighting(it only took 30 years to figure that one out, DUH!) i learned to run away by doing one or more of the following.
i turn to HASHEM and beg and plead for HIM to take it away.
i repeat the serenity prayer over and over sometimes.
i tell the menuval the same thing i tell those annoying telemarketers "Thanks for calling/stopping by. Sorry i can't give you any time. BYE!"
i call a friend and tell him about the shtus in my head.
i come to GYE and share with others or reread some favorite threads.
i fall back on my TaPhSic neder and ask myself "Do i really want to pay the penalty? Is it worth it?"

i hope you find something in my words that you can use.

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov