Wow. Drop me a line, will you?
Life isn't easy, but sharing sure makes it bearable.

I miss being able to air myself here... But I feel no net is just better for me than this.

Hatzlacha! A Gut Moed.
Meir

Thanks, Meir. I just sent you a PM.

I'm dreadfully powerless over lust, I just can't stop, it's too sweet, too entising, too... yeah, like G-d Himself. What do we know about G-d? - He is One and Only, He is the source of all good. Well, when I see a nicely dressed woman in the street, with the right shape that I appreciate, I truly think that having sex right now with this woman if the One and Only thing in the whole world, and that she and her sex are the only sources of good. Nothing can compare to having very intimate closeness to that woman who doesn't even know I'm looking at her.

Today I lied to myself that I need to go walk 5 minutes to a certain place to speak to soeone, I of course decided that during the walk I will not look at the women, but ponder and medidate about the extent of my powerlessness over lust, and how gratefull I am to Hashem for giving me a sober Pesach (theh first since I took my first drink many moons ago), and almost 6 months away from masturbation.

One big lie. I wanted to see beautifull woman walking on the street, preferably married ones, for several reasons. First of all the makeup is more pretty and the shaitel more attractive, but also I think becauese there is a special sweetness in seeing a woman that I know is having sex sometimes, she knows what it's all about. The best is when she's walking with her husband, I see those body parts of her's that even as I write this I start imaganing their ultimate perfection and G-dliness, and then I know deep down and how sometimes they are uncovered and she has sex. Now maybe her husband will die, and then it will be my turn, how will I go about having sex with her?

Lust is my G-d, I am trapped and cannot get out on my own. Thinking about my predicament and how powerless I am is just another way of me getting my drug, like Dov says that when I think about not acting out I'm still thinkig about my penis, just with different details - maybe.

But these Steps work, it doesn't make any sense and when I think it does I'm really just trying to take back control in order to go act out, becaues for some reason those 2 things go together. I know the reason, not any deep philosphy of the precise nature of addiction, no, it's way simpler. I cannot stop on my own, my life is slowly falling apart, I have a deadly illness. But the real G-d can restore my life to sanity, if He wants to He can remove my other G-d's and give me real life, not fake life. And He wants to help me, He gave me life and loves me and doesn't want me to die. But I have to want Him, I have to take the actions of letting Him all the way in to the depths of my desire to have sex right now, I have to give Him everything, yes, everything. I can't run my life anymore, it isn't working, the lust is killing me, I must give Him the reins.

That takes a lot of work, to give mt life to Him. So that's Steps 4-12, it's not to use my great power to fix all my character defects and be a perfect person, but to give it all to Him, to admit the truth that I need Him and can't do it myself, to humble myself to him and to everyone around. To spend my whole life doing His will, not mine.

Gotta run. But that't the basic idea. Thank you Hashem for SA and the Steps. Good night.

I'm powereless over lust, today.
Hashem, please keep me sober and sane.
I have to go now to a place with girls and women,
please make me not have to look,
give me one more day of sobriety.
I don't know why I want it,
but I know that it's the most important thing in my life.
Sort of like life itself,
I don't know why exactly I want to live,
but there is nothing more valuable to me than life itself.

Thank you.

I"m am again powerless over lust. It has nothing to offer me, thinking about him (or her) only makes it worse. So I'm gonna stop here.
Gut Shabbos guys.

The self-delusion is just amazing, in other words I jsut can't stop lying to myself. Last night my wife got me mad, or I got myself mad at her, and I was a hairdsbreath from acting out, I convinced myself I just have to do it to boost my sobriety by showing myself how powerless over lust I really am. But by the morning I was back flying in the clouds, reveling in my glory as the most sober guy on earth, that my almost 6 months are about the greatest feat in the last several hundred years, the day will come when the world will see my true greatness. And the sponsees will line up begging for my pearls of wisdom, I will simply be forced to start taking money for my time in order to be able to feed my family, and even though it's against one of the traditions, but I'll figure out how to get around that.

What a lie man, you almost acted out, yeah - went and mastubated your brains out, just last night. And your walking in the streets staring at all the pretty girls and desperately craving to have sex with them all - your a sick person, no, your not just yet the shining example for all of mankind.

And my poor wife went to sleep last night feeling rejected, which is so painfull for every woman and for her perhaps even more because of the pain she has suffered in the past - and that's because of me, yeah, me. Cause I am powerless over my burning resentment to something that she is completely out of control. Yeah, I've got a problem that I need real help for, no, I'm not yet ready to go save the whole world.

I just cannot admit that I am not better and more special than everyone else, a whole lifetime of self-obsession will not just dissapear, I cannot manage my life. But there is a solution, there are other people whow are also stuck in there miserable and silly selves just like me, and have found help from a Power greater than themselves. And you know what, for me too it's been working for half a year in a way I cannot honestly take credit for. And that's really cool.

Gotta run,
gut voch,

Chaim

Some of my sponsees think I am an idiot, I am pretty sure.

But there I go self-obsessing again!



Love you, brother.

Thanks Dov. My natural thought - well, my sponsees will never think that. I know I'm a bit nut's, but that's alright, I'm a sexaholic or something like that, and that's how I'm wired, and trying to stop won't help anything, but admitting it and getting it out and giving it up maybe will.

I think you are a bit goofy, already. So?

Thanks for that post, Dov. It'll help my sobriety, however goofy it may be today. Cause several minutes ago I told someone that I respect very much what my username is over here, it's be really healthy for me that he'll maybe go now and look at your post.

But seriously and honestly speaking, just to get my holy sexaholic ego back up to it's proper place. I sometimes like to use this forum to get out the more, um, yeah, goofy things that I think up. Like the details that may not come to mind too much in SA, or I feel too stupid to share them yet. To rant and rave about the more miserable parts of my exsistence.

But as I'm writing this, and thinking too much as usual, I'm thinking that maybe your reference to goofiness is maybe that I should take a chill and stop obsessing about the obsession (like my sponsor told me recently), but go on a hike and just have some fun, and even if I look at the girls I come across and want to have sex with all of them at once, not to make too big of a deal about it. Thank for the heads up, Dov.

GCC (ha ha)

so my wife is talking now in a language that makes me feel that she is not natural with me. i know exactly why she is doing that - first and mainly, because she just started a course to improve her skills in that language in order to pass a certain test. and maybe also cause she's tense afrom being in the company of people for 5 hours, so she feels a bit disconnected.

but it still bothers me, i want her to be perfectly natural with me always. and even if she is natural, but if it's something that suggests or reminds me of her faking to me - it hurts me, the resentment tightens my chest. all the knoledge and understanding and דן לכף זכות doesn't help me a bit, and thinking about it makes it worse.

cause that problem isn't her, it's me. it's my need for her to be exactle what i want her to be at this moment, my need to control her. it's my fear that she doesn't really love me or she wouldn't be doing that. it's my being inconsiderate of her feelings, putting myself before her instead of her before me. and added to that is that she's a woman and my wife, so i need her to provide sex for me, to help me masturbate in a way that i won't have to say i acted out, so when she's not weak and clingy - i'm worried i've lost my one and only drug.

Hashem, please save me from these defects of my character, please help me live with Your will and not mine, when i do that for real life is so much better, so more real, so more tangible. please remove from me this resentment, help me accept and love my wife exactly how she is today, the way she is now is the way that You want her to be, if it wasn't Your will it wouldn't be that way, Your will be done.

Thank you for sobriety and sanity, for slowly learning that ther is life after the death of giving up lust, that there is a bigger G-d than the Holy Orgasm. that i somehow can survive one day of life at a time without that dreamy fantasy of one day having all the female body parts i need, that there truly is meaning in life beyond what is hidden under the clothing of a properly shaped woman object. i never thought such a thing was possible, i thought i would die because my religion would not allow me to have what i need, now i sometimes feel freedom from the unbearable pain of the cravings.

thank you Hashem. and one more request, if it's your will, please help me feel all of that i just wrote. if that's Your will, then thank You, and if not, then i will try to continue without always feeling it, either way is fine, as long as i'm not the one running the show.

Chaim

chaimcharlie wrote:


I think there's something more to it than that...

chaimcharlie wrote:


Do you think she might be able to say the same thing?

--Elyah