It's not you CC, at all.
What I meant was sad but funny, was this:
That nederman still clings to - and tells other people - the myopic view that openly sharing sobriety dates in 12 step groups is about shaming oneself into not acting out. And he has implied that this shaming is a mainstay of the group dynamic of AA/SA, etc.
It's sad, mainly because GYE is primarily about the problem, not the solution. So many here view the function of 12 steps as preventing wasting of sperm, or not looking at porn, etc. But the 12 step groups themselves do not work that way. The 12 steps are not a way to
get sober, at all! They are a tool for
remaining sober. There is no mention of drinking/lusting - or not drinking/lusting - anywhere in the steps except in the admission-ticket step: #1. It is understood that the alkie/sexaholic who is willing to come to meetings and work these steps will do whatever it takes not drink at all while he works the program. In fact, the only real healing value of the steps is
through using them to deal with the pain of real life - pain that an addict does not feel fully (nor even realizes
exists) while he or she is drinking/lusting! And if he/she should drink/act out again, the steps will be restarted - and then continued. For any addict who acts out has simply
forgotten that he/she is powerless over the drug...
And "powerless" means he does not successfully drink/use lust the way that a normal person can....which is the 1st step again. He has resorted to his favorite higher powers that "restore him to
insanity"
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
....so he needs to redo step 2, as well. And that means some real work. Work that a person who values honesty cannot just do by himself.
But in fact, all the steps are all about is
gaining sanity(steps 2&3) and a proper relationship with ourselves (4-7), with the people in our lives(8-10), and with our G-d(11), so that life continues without the kind of inner pain that would probably lead to needing our medication of choice (alcohol, heroin, erotic stimulation). It is a process of more and more deeply letting go of old ideas that are essentially unsound (insane), as the Big Book puts it. In a way, it is
growing up.
So unlike much of this forum and website (practically all of it, actually) the whole focus of the average healthy SA meeting is
the steps - growing up, and not about
not drinking. Sure, the topic comes up, and sure, many of us share our sobriety date. But that is the fruit of recovery, not the cause of it.
My heart tells me that those who see the whole idea of group sharing as
a shaming tactic - see it that way because they have too much shame about it themselves! They only have that hammer, so they assume everyone else must be swinging it, too. But my sponsor told me that he thinks it is quite natural for a sexaholic to act out his lust, as it is quite expected for an alkie to keep drinking. The fact that I am sober today is great, a miracle, a reason to be grateful to my G-d. So there is never any sense at all in me looking
down on any addict who loses his or her sobriety! I love and respect them all - the drunk ones and the sober ones.
Of course it hurts to admit that we acted out - or lost our sobriety. But it is clear that we are as sick as our secrets. That is not a cute motto - nor is it another clever shaming tactic. It is obvious.
For the greatest obstacle to recovery (growing up) for the sex or alcohol addict is not porn, sex, or Jim beam - it is our lying and faking. That is what group dynamics can heal, that doing it alone cannot. Reading the best self-help book in the world - even the Torah itself - cannot liberate a man from lying to himself. Christians the world over read the Torah - even with Artscroll! - and remain believing and doing all sorts of things they want to believe k'neged emess. And l'havdil, we frum porners and masturbaters did, too!
So many GYE guys have so much terrible shame and pain! So many are terrified to even use their real
first names in their posts! As if using the name "Yaakov" will give them away!! Gevalt. It's just shame - painful, frightening shame and more hiding and isolating. I feel that when such fellows read nederman's words that '12 steps groups utilize self-shaming as a tool to keep people sober (like a k'nas)', I believe that it resonates with many of them - even though it is not true. It sounds to them like just a nastier 'TaPhsic method'! And that misrepresentation of AA/SA may turn people away from a beautiful gift that could work for them. And that is the real sad part, as far as I am concerned.
We frum porn users are all accomplished liars. We fake our 'good' identity wherever we go...and hate ourselves when we sneak our desperate drug in secret. The more stubborn and self-assured the liar is, the harder it will be for him to see that he has not really changed. Humility is so easy to 'assess' in oneself....but it is of course an irrelevant assessment. It all boils down to Captain Kirk. real people are precious. As Rabbi Yochanan said: "O chavrusa, o misusa!" - a friend (someone who is
not you) is the 'ticket' to life itself. A mirror (or a self-help book - even the Torah itself) is
sorely limited as a tool for teaching self-honesty to an accomplished liar! asei lecho rav, uknei l'cho chaver...just to have what the Rebbe R' Meilech taught in #13 of the Tzet'l Kotton - freedom through honesty. Honesty and integrity are not 'fear of getting embarrassed when you openly admit the truth'.
And finally, a good friend in recovery (who I just met this evening at a nice SA meeting) put it very well: "the main credentials that a sponsor has that makes him
so valuable is that he is
sober, and
not me"!
Sweet!
So alei v'hatzlach chevrei!!