Gut Voch.
Thank you all.
Love you all.

Think in merit of SA can post here in a lighter sort of way,
in short phrases and sentences.
Thank you Hashem for sending me SA.
Like the awesome friends and people around there.
The suppport and reaching out.

Still feel dry, but care less.
Higher Power knows feelings of self,
He gave them to me.
He wants me to be like this.
Can only accept self.
Acceptance is hard for me.

Good night.

...for you and the rest of this olam hafuch. Welcome to the club!

Always feel jealous of those guys that say that they are a walking miracle.
Guess I know deep down somewhere that am also one, but feel much stronger urge to masturbate to sweet fantasy,
than deep passionate feeling of the true closeness.
Just trying to be honest over there.

Someone told me today,
that he counts sobriety date in a general sort of way,
"Sober for one and half month" I will say,
therefore I less feel my powerfullness.
Cause lately been feeling doubts about problem and been too busy counting days and minutes,
that's not the issue at all and can cause me ch"v to fall.
Gotta iron the bumps that I feel once my armor of lust has been removed,
if not will soon put it back on.
Or will see that it never really left,
just stepped aside a bit.

Am working on writing 1st step,
was getting depressed from it and was missing the old fantasies at the same time,
I know that's 2 opposite things, but lust doesn't care.
Sponsor told me that I'm not responsoble for ruining my life etc. cause I am sick not bad,
all I can do now is to get better beginning by learning how I'm sick.
He isn't God so doesn't really know if I will be held accountable for all the rivers and oceans of zera levatala,
but his words ring true that gotta realize that have problem stronger than me.
I pray that Hashem also will understand me that way,
but the important thing is to do all that can to get better for remainder of life.
Teshuva for one stuck in sin starts with stopping of sin,
for sick me that means recovery in SA.
Hashem, please help me.
I need you.

ChaimCharlie wrote on 20 Nov 2012 23:50:


Does it count if I feel like a walking miracle after thirty years of depression and wasted opportunities?

Since you are writing, I will share with you the only thing I know about writing: write first, organize and clean up later.

Of course it counts, R' Ned.
Maybe one day I'll feel it too.
Now I just feel like a box of lust.

You are a box of lust because you don't believe that you are better off sober. Keep working on that.

Of course you know you are not a box of lust, but just feel like one. And that makes all the difference. This recovery thing is geshmak, no?

Continued hatzlocha geting all comfy and chilling with honesty, chaver.

Thanks guys.

I am presently working on step 1 in an attempted orderly fashion (with a sponsor, etc.).
Was/am having all sorts of doubts and questions,
I am developing a serious case of pink-elephant syndrome,
the more that I think about how I'm a desperate sexaholic who must stop or will die, the more the doubts plague me.
I'm starting to realize how much the steps must be done not thought, I am powerless over lust simply cause I am, not cause that's the result I got to after several weeks of deep mathematical equasions.

Noticed something which may or may not be interesting to others.
Step one is about admitting powerlessness, only in step 2 do we start with the words "believe" and "God". That which life has become unmanagable is something I must realize not because it's the Ultimate Truth Which Encompasses All Other Truths, but rather because it simply is. About this no one is gonna reveal any new beliefs or information to lead me to new beliefs, it's only about honestly realizing where and what I really am.

To bring out and remember all those miserable feeings and actions that my addiction covers up with the sweet fantasy of the unknown, to realize that I am living an existence where my deepest cravings are those of lust welling up inside me waiting to explode in my face, either I will act them out and ruin my life, or I will continue to fight my very essence till the end of my life. Either one is pretty horrific. I can't continut this way. Why? Don't know, that's just how I feel. Take that.

Gotta run, thank you for listening.

Chaim

I have found out that even though the 1st and 4th step inventories are ways to great stuff, they are living in the problem. There is nothing in the 1st step about quitting lust or why to quit it. It's just about the pain, the shame, and the insanity I demonstrate when I acted out till now. And the 4th is not about changing in any way, shape, or form; not a plan for self-help, at all. It is just a list of my part in all the things that bother me and a surrender to the truth. Nothing is meant to actually change until steps 2, 3, 5, 6,&7 are worked.

So the 1st and the 4th are a bit like living in the problem, not the solution. They are necessary, but still dangerous places to linger in. There should be a NO LOITERING sign above them, perhaps, or maybe DANGER: BLASTING AREA. (Does GYE have a sign mashgiach?)

Maybe you are just sensing that?

To me, it means, "Hey, chico - finish this up and move on!"

- hatzlucha, Charles!

Thanks, Dov. I have mainly moved on to step 2.
Although thanks to my Higher Power (His name is Hashem) it has started to get a bit clearer.
Someone told me to concentrate on thinking and writing convincing examples of why I am (a) powerless and (b) unmanagable, to get my sick reality out in the open.
Iv'e found that to be pretty relieveng.

Also working on "We admitted", this isn't another one of the myriad beliefs or resolutions I've made in the last 10 years, no it's not, it's just facing the dirty facts.
I'm powerless over something that's destroying me,
and nothing can stop me.
My deepest desire is to finish this post and go to a certain website that if I'm lucky after a ton of searching I'll find a picture of a woman in a bathing suit that got past my filter. It won't give me any satisfaction, I'll just crave more real and enjoyable views, and the trip to work in a few minutes will be all the more painfull. I'll put at risk one and a half months of sobriety, and will get to work even later than I already will.
And I really want to do this, and I'm not joking when I say I really have to.
Shabbos was very stressfull and last night I didn't relieve the stress by sexing with my wife for myself, so I feel that burning urge to see a beautifull woman.
It's so hard to walk on the streets, I want to have sex with all of them - now.

That's how I'm powerless and life is rather unmanagable, I should be barred from roaming the streets and busses.
My only hope is in rewiring my life to my Higher Power (I mentioned earlier what His name is), letting Him do for me what I can't do for myself.
I read the chapter We Agnostics in the Big Book, in a way it was a bit distanced from me cause I'm not such a self-proclaimed agnostic, but I sure can say that I don't do that living belief that the describe so eloquently.
If through that chapter I'll be able to live with a God that is a real to me as the table and the chair I am typing at, that He is not just some escoteric Being that looks down from above, but that His presence is truly and simply existing together with me - that'll be more than enough.
"לית אתר פנוי מיניה".

Chaim

Wow, still feeling that urge, I'm sick.
Hashem, please help me.
Mazel Tov to me on reaching 300 posts.
I think I'm gonna close the intershmet right now. Bye Bye.

ChaimCharlie wrote on 02 Dec 2012 07:34:


I just want to point out that Chaim here is not saying that he has lost his power of choice, just that he can't use lust without eventually masturbating, he can't afford it.

Chaim, if you did not have tell your SA meetings how long you have been sober for do you think you might choose to lust?

Funny. Sad....but still funny.

dov wrote on 02 Dec 2012 19:17:


To me it's sad but also kind of good. What's funny?

Oh, come on Dov. What's so sad? A sicko trying to get better? Nu.
Maybe you mean to commiserate with me that I want all this lust and sex but can't get it, well that I really appreciate, but I'm not sure if it would be so good for me to have it.
Chances are you mean that it's sad that I want these things so much, that I' so sick and in so much pain or whatever this is. Thank you.

Nederman, about how long I would last if I didn't have to tell the group (if that was your question, it wasn't so clear), probably not to long. So yeah, I'm sober for the wrong reasons maybe, but who cares? It means I'm not doing these teribble avairos, and even more it gives me a way to start working on some real live recovery.