I had a relapse last night. I masturbated to femdom scenes on my I-Phone. I have webchaver.com on there and my accountability partner will find out on Tuesday. I have already informed him of my slip.

I had a particularly rough day yesterday. We have been forced to move b/c of our landlord (even though we have paid the rent). It's a long story. Yesterday we were getting our stuff packed and I had a couple of large confrontations with my children. I did awesome in handling the confrontations. However, they took their toll.

I wanted to watch some comedy stuff on my I-Phone when going to bed. I had not thought (although I'm sure my Yetzer was well aware) about listening to stuff on my I-Phone. Anyway, one thing led to another and I was watching femdom kinds of stuff on the I-Phone. I masturbated to a scene involving a very strong, massive woman destroying a weak man.

I know what this is all about. I was looking for nurturing. My wife is not available right now for this (torat ha'mishpachah). For whatever the reason, I find nurturing and safety in strong, powerful women. This has been the source of my Internet issues from the beginning.

Anyway, I need nurturing so I engaged in an unhealthy un-Kadosh way of getting it. I think that if I had engaged in more self-nurturing strategies such as taking a hot shower or hot bath, I would have been OK.

I have masturbated in the past couple months but have only looked at Femdom one other time.

As I said, I just informed my Accountability Partner about what happened (he will get the Webchaver.com report on Tuesday).

I am under an amazing amount of stress right now. I am finishing graduate school, working a full-time job and am responsible for child-rearing also.

Any suggestions would be beneficial.

Thank you,

HolyJew

Dear holy Jew,

kol hakavod for sharing right afterwards with your accountability partner and with GYE. Now do not dwell on your fall and go weiter, holy warrior.

As far as suggestions are concerned. You should install a filter additionally to webchaver on your I-Phone. Generally do not use your I-Phone when going to bed. Comedy scenes and most types of entertainment, movies, etc on the internet and tv are toxic for us. They may not pose a problem for normal people but for us they are just too dangerous.
It is generally not a good idea to use the I-Phone when going to bed. Try something meaningful to end your day. Maybe some cheshbon hanefesh, something interesting or inspiring to read. If you want to look something inappropriate call someone beforehand, a sponsor or someone from GYEs.
If you act out because of stress you could try to learn how to relax and learn relaxation techniques, you'll sleep better and feel better. You could do a relaxation exercise before going to bed.

Often these types of behaviors are just indicative of a lack of something. You said that you need nurturing. Everyone needs nurturing to some extent but we have to find a healthy way.

This shabbes a rabbi from ritorno (a Israeli organization dealing with frum addicts) come to our yeshivo. In his dvar Torah he explained that Yehoshua was a "ish ruach" since he had an understanding of the spiritual, psychological side of human beings. Therefore HKB"H selected him, though Moshe's sons were greater Torah scholars.
He further explained that when bnai Yisroel had strong carvings (behalotcha), they wanted meat. They wanted someone to feed them, sounds familiar?
They were traumatized and they needed someone to speak to after all the sufferings of Mitzraim.

We all have sufferings and hard and difficult times, indeed Gedolei Hador said that the sufferings of klal yisroel have multiplied in the last generation (heard from Raw Shlomo Brevde, shlite).

If you can find someone, maybe a sponsor (e.g. through the GYE sponsor program) someone experienced, you can speak to, who will listen and can help you and guide you, then ashreicho vetov lach. I managed to speak to my rabbi about my issues and this was very helpful. But it is not an option for everyone.

Try the tahpsic method (see GYE handbook) it is very powerful.
Find alternative fulfillment, e.g. exercises. They have the power to take away depression and you'll feel much better, iyH.

About the hot shower or hot bath I am not sure. This was always a trigger for me. Sometimes it helps to eat something against the urge, e.g. some chocolate or something sweet. Just do something else and the urge will go away.

Even though you are a holy warrior, really HKB"H is fighting the war. Give the war over to him. He is the source of kedusho, let HKB"H fight for you and you can relax.

If you find yourself looking for safety maybe self-esteem is an issue. GYE has a powerful phone conference on this issue. Check also R' Abraham Terwski's books on this topic. They are highly inspirational.

Keep posting you are not alone, holy Jew.

Hi HolyJew,

I used to fall a lot during times of stress and I used to blame it all on external circumstances. My attitude was, oh I'm only falling because of so and so - if that wasn't there then I'd be happy and I wouldn't fall so much.

Then as time moved on and I continued to grow I realised that it wasn't stress that was making me fall. It was me allowing the stress to get to me, which would subtly and subconsciously get me to start reaching out for my drug of choice and engage in self-destructive self-medication. I wasted hours and hours of my life playing video games, flirting with soft porn and engaging in 'brinkmanship', all trying to escape reality and make myself feel better. It only led to feeling even more unfulfilled, leading to more falls.

My advice is to try your best to believe that this is God's world and that he's the one running the show and he wants the best outcome. All we have to do is to try our best in everything that we do, because everything has been predetermined anyway.

On a more practical note, listening to some soothing music and chilling out on the couch for 5-10 mins really helps when you're tired. When you're wound up, hit the weights and pushups or go for a vigorous walk in the fresh air. The hardest thing of all is just to get on with the work we should be doing, but we've can't become perfect overnight lol.

Hope that helps,

DL

so true......

Dear heyliger Yid, hatzlocho in your holy battle

Dl,
Amazing words there re: allowing stresses to get to me.

Hatzlacha ya all,

I love how your username is "HolyJew"

Its a great reminder that NO MATTER how much we fall we are "holy Jews"

L'inyan stress, Have you tried meditation? (NOT medication, MEDITATION)

its a great stress reliever, just sit in a comfortable position, in a chair, lying down, whatever you want. and relax your body, while focusing your mind on something, when I do it I like to either count from 1-20 or imagine myself on a beach with the sun on my back
( OK I know this sounds weird but it works)
breath through the nose and out through the mouth and you are on your way! Also when you want to wake up slowly feel yourself getting more energized and count to 10 (these things are not exact you can just use these suggestions to help you get started)

Relieving some stress can help you deal with the stressful things in life easier. I know this isnt a practical "what-to-do" eitzah but youll probably see yourself more relaxed and handling things better (hopefully G-D willing

Hatzlacha!