B"H

I must not be powerless because were I to be, then struggle would be meaningless and contradictory. Yet I still feel like a robot, enslaved to the urge and bittel to it's command. I can't even keep a chesbon, any chesbon to improve this situation or to make baby steps out of this horrible pit of spiritual rot. how do I make an aliyah from this yeridah if I can't even pause for a moment before or maintain a small chesbon? How can I accept powerlessness, even though I feel it, if I am supposed to triumph over this. I feel destroyed. My heart claims to have ahavas H" but my actions mock me as a liar. I feel like I have destroyed myself and even my self pity is setting fire to the ruined foundation. I feel like a lot of things, but what I am poor servant of H" and a disappointment to my family and Rebbe. How do I fix this? I WANT TO FIX THIS!

welcome aboard!
first of all, just posting here is already a major step in the right direction. You have no idea how much it means in shomayim, and how much of a difference it really makes. The more you post, the more progress you will make. Express yourself your issues and your struggles. The more you come out of the closet the more control you will start to feel. Read the handbooks and everything else that this site has to offer. Eventually you will see that the robot feeling starts to disipate and you will start to gain some semblence of control. It's a process, be patient.
B'hatzlacha

Welcome Yeshurun,
I completely relate to where you are right now. That's about where I was when I first discovered this site, and learned that I had an addiction and wasn't stam a evil person with nothing but evil thoughts. My sick thoughts were undermining any progress I may have made in any and all areas of my life, personal, spiritual and even professional.

I had hit bottom. I realized I couldn't, or at least really didn't want to go on living this contradiction.

The addiction fought back hard, terrified of losing my supply of the lust drug, which I had become so dependent on -- it was ME, or so I believed. My response has remained the same -- I surrender my lust to Hashem. I beg Him to take my lust because I cannot battle it on my own. I focus all my efforts on consistently surrendering my lust, letting it go.

I studied the 12 steps and began applying them earnestly and consistently. Being in a group would have been better, but I have remained sober for over three years by stubbornly surrendering my lust whenever it comes knocking. I continue to take it one nisayon at a time, one day at a time.

I see that you tried Taphsic and it didn't work for you. Taphsic is about fighting. It isn't necessary if you truly surrender your lust.

Vigilant shmiras eynayim is a double-edged sword, and both edges are for your advantage. First, it cuts off a major supply route of the lust drug. Secondly, it is a constant reminder of how sick my mind is, that I really can't look, or I'm cooked. Another reason I'm always hyping shmiras eynayim, especially to newcomers, is because it's something you can begin doing right away. You can commit to it this minute.

Had enough? Ready to break free?
Lets go!

Same thing for me, at first. i learned that powerless did not mean i was without choices. i could still, and can still today, choose to follow lust down that horrible road leading to emptiness, feelings of worthlessness and despair or i could choose to try something else. i fought for over thirty years and until i quit fighting i was unable to win. Once i chose to give up fighting and let HASHEM fight for me i started to win. i am now today sober and have been for 258 days, not because i learned to fight better but i learned to run away from the fight. It sounds illogical but i am an addict so normal and logical are not titles i can relate to anyway.
Take a small step right now, ask HASHEM to take away your lust, for a minute at a time if necessary, protect yourself through following alexeliezer's advice of "bullet proof shmiras einayim", and connect with your new found family of lust addicts. Better times await you.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Welcome, brother!
Stick around, good things await those who work for them.
Mottel