It's late right now. I'm so so close to a fall. I'm really on the verge, the context is set - I am smack in the middle of the "boxing ring". I say all this sparing the chevra all the details....

How did I get here? Because I am so anxious and irritable 8 days in. I hate this feeling. I hate thinking that I won't have a way of getting rid of this feeling and that I won't have an outlet for these desires. On the one hand, MT made a really good point - this is an important step toward complete sobriety and if I don't take advantage of this moment, I might never get there. This is a very powerful message. I also realized that my 90th day (of this streak) would fall out on simchas torah. On the other hand, deep down, I don't think I really believe that I will reach 90 days and I don't seriously truly believe that I can go the rest of my life without EVER falling to p** or m*** ever again... and if I'm going to fall eventually, why not right now?

Earlier today, I already stumbled a bit on some pics that I wish I hadn't seen... then I dwelled on them for a while. This has something to do with the urge right now. But I'm literally seconds away from the opportunity to fall - all it takes is my decision whether to "click" the button and fall or hold back and stay clean for another minute, hour, day(?), week(??), year(???)...

I just made my decision: I'm going to go to bed clean yet another day!

I got a call from the person who would have been the cause of my fall and at the second my computer starting ringing, I got an e-mail from a friend about a dvar torah I shared with him just a few weeks ago. At the very second that would have caused me to fall, Hashem forced my eyes toward his Torah. Just as I was pushed off a cliff, Hashem reached out and saved me.

I am proud for holding out this long and for facing this nisayon head on and not falling. At the same time, I'm ashamed for having come so close to the end and for having let myself "enter the ring" with the Yetzer Harah. The reason why is because of my anxiety and irritability that I just can't explain. Its that I get overwhelmed by this sense that those pleasures I had merely 8 days ago are (possibly, hopefully?) gone forever.

I don't know whats wrong with me but, for what its worth, I have survived yet another day.

Thanks to everyone who helped me today. Very special thanks to Machshova Tova who has really shown how much he cares about my success and has all the right words to help me succeed!

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

Each nitzachon gives HKBH great delight.

May your Yom Kippur Kotton be easier.

BA

KUTGW.

--Elyah

dovekbashem wrote on 19 Jul 2012 05:24:


Hi Dovy,

I'm humbled and thankful for your reaction to my "dvorim hayotzim min halev". Kol hakavod for every moment that you stay sober. Please keep us posted and try to make it good news.

Hatzlacha

MT

Nice going! But it really doesn't have to be this hard.

dovekbashem wrote on 19 Jul 2012 05:12:


Sounds like you know that when we're dealing with something over which we are powerless, the only way to prevail is to avoid it. Mike Tyson hasn't beaten me once -- because I'd never allow myself into a ring with him. (I also like my ears the way they are 8))




Backwards.
The anxiety and irritability are the cause for acting out, not the effect of true sobriety. I know you don't believe me, but that's because you've stepped way over the line.




This is obviously flawed, addiction-serving thinking. You must focus only on today. It's a discipline. But that's all we're ever asked to do. One day at a time is a critical attitude.




Yup! If despite my constant, earnest efforts at avoidance, I accidentally see too much, I immediately daven that Hashem should take the image from me. I surrender the image, and the lust it may have triggered, to Hashem. Immediately. Before I "enjoy" it in my mind for a few seconds.

You're making great progress.
Absolute truth and honesty with yourself is needed to move ahead.

Hatzlocha today,

Alex

dovekbashem wrote on 19 Jul 2012 05:24:


Very nice. So now you see that Hashem is rooting for you!

I also deal with feelings of wanting to and not wanting to, it IS an escape and the 12 steps can help figure out what exactly were trying to excape from and how to deal with it.

The "Boxing Ring syndrome" could be a result of this dilemna you find yourself in you want it....aaaand you dont. but I do. but I DONT! do I? and back and forth and back and forth until we just get tired of it and go "forget this headache I need to relieve some stress" Try working on not wanting to lust. That one line mamish changed my whole perspective on everything here. focus on that line "I want it" and dont be afraid to challenge it.

Say "I want it? Reeeaaallllllyyyyy why in the WORLD would I want this, What do I get, whats the deal here Mr. Yetzer Hara (Salesman for "Despair Inc.") So what your telling me is, I do what your suggesting and totally just like let go and enjoy myself?... and what do I have to pay Mr. Yetzer Hara *you so innocently ask* and He answers back "Oh... nothing.. just your sanity, feelings of hopelessness, despair and some amount of time spent in depression, which may or may not be limited to further acting out thereby causing an avalanche which MAY or may not destroy your life as you know it and then he gives you one of these ;D

and you say "umm... thats the worst deal Ive ever heard in my life. Ever."

You can imagine him in a double breasted pin-striped gray suit with a red handkerchief as I am currently doing.

JustKeepGoing wrote on 19 Jul 2012 20:02:

don't forget the polyester tie

Would you buy a used car from this guy?

Haha thats a really great picture, better than I imagined

Day 8 is coming to a close and, baruch hashem, I'm clean!

I have to say that I woke up this morning feeling so much more confident and comfortable with myself. Not simply because I was clean but because I came face-to-face with the opportunity to fall late the night before (see earlier posts) and I made a conscious decision NOT to. That "struggle" that I posted about the other night is one that I have had in the past. Sometimes it would happen after 6 days, sometimes after 15 and sometimes after 20something or 30something. It all depends what my mindset was in the days leading up to it and whether I was too busy or preoccupied to fall. The point is, no matter which point in the streak that has happened in the past, I don't think I have ever won the battle before. Whenever that battle came, I always seemed to give in and lose. I never had the strength, resolve or courage to do what I did last night and to actually, really win. I still don't believe that I actually did it. But maybe this means something. Maybe this was the hurdle that Hashem kept throwing my way and I kept shamefully failing. Maybe I have finally passed and just opened a door to a brighter future that is free of all this shmutz.

I posted that I am not sure I really believe that I can actually succeed and live "clean". My struggle last night left a glimmer of hope that has me thinking I might actually be able to do it. Who knows... but maybe I really am capable of it.

You might notice that my name isn't up on the WOH yet. I haven't started recording my clean streak on the wall even though I am officially on day 9. I think this is because I'm scared of falling. The pressure is always greater once you are on the wall. It becomes official - like people have a real expectation that you climb higher and higher up the wall. I guess part of me still wonders whether I can really do it and should really post myself up there. But I was closer to putting myself on the wall today than I have been before. I'm gaining some confidence now. Thank you all so much for helping me through it.

It's no mitzvah to be on the WOH. I tend to agree with you -- it's probably pressure you don't need. If you stay sober today, that's all that really matters.

Sneak up on 90. Or better yet, let it sneak up on you.

You dont believe you did it because its so unbelievable? Or do you mean you think it was just a fluke?




R' Pliskin says if you have done someting once, and really only once in your life time it shows that you can do it again. You can beat the test one successful day at a time.

Keep Going!

Thank you all for your comments on this thread. I get lots of chizuk when I sign on to GYE and see new comments here.

It is the night of day 11 - so far, so clean. BUT... I'm pretty close to falling again. I've been doing some touching. In separate instances, I've done a bit of looking at things I shouldn't. Why? I just don't know. What I do know is that I am losing sight of why I want to stay clean. Why can't I just fall tonight - relax myself - and then get back on track? Am I really an addict if I can minimize these falls to once (or twice?) every 11 days? Why am I trying so hard here? Around us there is an entire world of people that are embracing these falls and enjoying every minute of them! Why can't I??

Of course, I'm saying all this "out loud" because I can't figure out if its me talking or my Yetzer Hara talking. Either way, please respond to both of us.

Hey brother,
Ur at day 11. Just push it a little more. Tell the yetzer hara that u will get back to him in the morning. Just take it minute by min.
Ps. Check you inbox, I sent u a pm