Looks like things got interesting in a few days. Here is my 2 cents on this. I don't believe spitting helps (at least it would not for me) because if one notices, it may have serious reprocessing by leaving a bad taste about Jews and besides for chillul Hashem who knows how the bad taste about Jews can hurt the next Jew she needs to deal with. One not need to hate but have Rachmanim as they are likely ignorant of the way they dress and most of them are not out to get YOU. In fact they can be terrific people. I will share a personal story about my spiral down to the abyss. Last year when I was nearing my worst ever I signed up to a free dating site for all the wrong reasons. It was no regular website either. Those that singed up signed up for one thing. I'm sure the site was filled with other addicts but not all. There was this one woman I wrote to who flat out saw right through my words. One conversation led to another and all the hate and resentments that fueled my addiction came out (at the time I was not yet aware I was an addict). Healing really began with her just by having someone listen to all that I had kept in for years. The big changes didn't happen till a few months after but at the very least me having an outlet prevented me from some irreparable damage. There was another girl or two along the way that despite we're not positives they however were buffers in helping me not reach lower then I have been. what I am trying to say is everything and everyone is a piece of your life's puzzle(as you are to others) and you never know how the person you are spitting on will be your piece of the puzzle. At the very least I will ask this...are you spitting at an opprotunity to better yourself ? It's a crazy world and as there is no such thing as coincidence she may be your wife in ten years!!(pretty wacky coincidence I know lol) as the hippies say love, piece and harmony is the way to go. I say all this while working on my 12 th day of sobriety (a point I have only been able to achieve twice in the last 6 months since I started) I do have hard moments and some have been in the last few days but I so far have not resorted so some common stuff like images on a major scale. Just working on today....feel free to opinionate on anything I said. Wishing all of you a "today"!

Amen, sweet.

Good afternoon folks. It's been a good couple of weeks since I last wrote here. A couple of weeks that was quiet eventful in the lust department and life in general. Over the last week I learned a new emotion ( or relearned) called separation and missing someone for them and not the benefit they provide. While it did knock me off my recovery wagon pretty badly for about a week to week and a half, I feel now that it was an important lesson that needed to be gone through at some point. as I mentioned before my old self was a logical being where anyone and everything was a mere factor in my calculation of life. I only saw the calculatable aspects that gave me the results or gains I wanted from them. When I went through the emotion last week I did not feel it. I missed the individual simply because I missed them for them. It's kind of a testament for what I have been working on over the last year. That said I learned also that I have been flipping from a logical extreme to a emotional extreme. Haven't reached the extreme yet but I know the emotion should not have hit me as hard as it did. So I need to bring a piece of my old logical self back to balance out with emotions. So where a. I at now? I am back on the wagon with almost a week complete (pretty good overall in my case specially after a binge) And I have one more piece or the puzzle then I did before. My goal is to take one day at a time. What would absolutely make me jump in joy is if I stay sober till rosh hashanah as that will be a new sobriety record. To be honest the record itself does not exite me much as the symbolism and zchus I will gain should I complete this. What better high to end the year with then sticking it to the devils face . ...anyway now I am getting ahead of myself. Just gonna live today for today? Good day to all!!

Dear Ash,

I admire you, your posts, and the success Hashem has given you today, so much! But I want to comment about the above clearly, precisely because I respect you so much. I feel you are above that...so, here goes:

The "sticking it in the devil's face" thing is a very bid mistake, I believe. The entire idea of it and the implication, is just 'off'. It implies a contest of some kind (nahrishkeit), credit belonging to you (nahrishkeit), and that somebody bad is having his feelings hurt....(nahrishkeit). Since when is it your personal business what's doing with malochim, the soton, etc.? I suggest that no matter how sober and choshuv you are, how tahor you become, or how long you are given sobriety for, that kind of talk is just plain childish - or arrogant. One or the other, take your pick.

Phew...enough. You are a great guy and a brocha to GYE and recovering yidden everywhere. I hope you remain that way.

Lots of love,

Dov

Here's a nice little story regarding the above-mentioned:

Machshovo wrote on 21 May 2012 21:25:

That's the story I was referring to, thanks, MT. And it is interesting - how many of us (afflicted people) would aactually fall on our faces on a regular basis and beg our G-d to save us from the yetzer hora? Very few, I am sure.

And the holy amorah Rav Chiya bar Ashi did it regularly. Wow. What humility.

May we indeed be zocheh.

I like the way you write dov. It's that kind of talk that got things going a little over a year ago. Sticking it to the devils face isn't what's it about i know that, he has got me to many times to try and take him on in any direct face off. I only work on the current day one at a time. I don't even check in on the 90 day chart every single day because when I do that it feeds my ego in a very subtle and unhealthy way which leads to lax shmira which then eventually leads to all kinds of rationalizations of half measures and it's all history from there. as I have learned there always needs to be a balance in every aspect of ones life including ego ( I know some of y'all will scold me for that statement) sticking it to the devils face isn't a goal but a passive byproduct of the work we do. There is nothing wrong about feeling good about ourselves so long as we are not greedy about it and remember to thank the appropriate parties involved in success (which I do every morning). I know my strengths and weaknesses and know my limits. When to increase productivity and when to decrease, when to feel and when to shut out. I have a bunch of pieces of a puzzle and have put together parts. There is more I'm sure. While someways I complain to god the timeless question of "why" hey I'm only human. Most days however things makes sense and I can see the big picture and thank god for this awareness.wow that's a mouthful...lol....time for me to get back to work. Feel free to comment. Dov, maybe we can have a chat one day voice to voice or something....I'm sure we would have what to talk about.

Any time you want, just PM me and we'll talk.

Shalom!

Good afternoon folks. ...I am in a uncomfy zone so I decided to write about this.i am nearing my normal amount of days I keep sober and like every other time this phase is a phase of fear. What's different this time? The fact that I am writing about it as is. I have made myself strong defenses ( as best i could) and even more then previous occasions. So what is this fear I am afraid of. I fear the one time I will not be able to do what I have to do to surrender lust (aka the uknown, in this case a uknown possibility of an event). I fear that an aspect of me will be used to far (logic/ emotion) and push me over the edge to acting out. I know those fears are silly and I also know that lust knows it too. What I also know is that my s.o.p. is what lust is counting on which is to say exactly what I just said to myself (which will subtly give me the "I " ego)only so therefore I decided to verbalize my thoughts on the forum (that takes care partly of the isolation and the very subtle ego will power thing) . So the point? There ain't non. Just using one of the tools god gave to help one's journey with the addiction. Sober day to all!

Amein, thanks for the best wishes!

The Torah says "hayom" so many times regarding loving Hashem and doing His Will 'Hayom'. It really is only one day at a time, thank-G-d, so we never have to hold our breaths for two, four, twenty, forty, or 365 days. Never.

You will be OK.

Yeah. May we all merit a Ksiva v'Chasima Tova and a Happy new... DAY!

MT

Good morning. Still sober but had a number of slips. Today is critical in its own because this is the day that I have only reached twice in the last year. Second time being better then first and this time better then both last times. I find myself struggling at times to the point where I am almost pulling hair out of my head. Most of the times though my lust is better then that and instead of pursuing me outright it makes itself known only for a short duration and sorta leaves leaving me with the crave to see and feel things I shouldn't. When it comes to outlets for these things I have stripped myself down of them and only have the basic minimum for what I need to work with. I told the password holder that under no circumstance shoul the password be put on to any of the devices. I feel more then ever the term of powerlessness against these sickness and feel more then ever what it means to connect with my higher power because I tell ya thinking about the last 2-3 days especially night I can't figure out how I got through them. All I did was ask got to help me out and next thing I remember is waking up in the morning. Also working with both my logical side and emotional has proven to be extremely helpful. Here is a scenario I would like to share and perhaps try it out

Scenario: sometimes for no reason in particular I just want to do something sexual. This can be triggered by anything. This is a logical thinking (at least in my brain) and what I have discovered of myself is that emotions and logic are like a marriage. One fill and completes the other.

Solution: when I want the act just because, my emotional side will be brought in and say the following. "you want sex, great. I can help you get better sex. What you fail to include in your calculation for the result of sex is the emotional factors that will yield you a better sex. The factor being to feel and give instead of cold and just take. By working hard and staying committed and giving there is a heightened chance of a relationship and it developing the right way. That mentality of giving and kindness will follow you in to the bedroom and the wife will want to do the same thus producing a much more satisfying time."

Some will think that the purpose of the work is sex. This is not the case but logic is a lean mean calculating machine and lust will use it, as it would with emotions. When I approach things in the day whether it being lust attacks or other things in my life and offer one a perspective from the other that it can understand it produces a more wholesome approach to dealing with things This is just one of the gifts god gave me through lessons of this journey and am truly greatful to be aware of just how vast and deep I can get. Also greatful that I am not using it as the higher power but instead using it as a tool. Helps keep the "I " ego out thus knowing that sometimes there is no method for overcoming a powerful lust attack but to say god help me out here cause I am screwed on my own. Had to write something cause it helps me feel less isolated and we all know lust likes loners. Anyway to end I will just say sober day to all and God bless!!

Dear Ash,

I liked some stuff you wrote in the middle of that post a lot. Some other stuff though, sounded like ideas that made me want to write this:

If I am mainly staying sober/not acting out my lust/not messing up...then I am a sitting duck. Because that way of living does not let G-d in. It keeps ME front and center. Not good...for me, and actually not good for anybody elsein my life.

Maybe you are not doing that at all, but I got the feeling, so I'm sharing it, that's all.

When my focus is on recovery and good living - living with G-d and really living with the other people in my life and not just managing with them....well, then life becomes the great and beautiful thing it is probably meant to be. I believe that is because G-d enters and it is what Chaza"l call "Shechinah Shruyah beineihem."

Positive recovery, vs staying sober.

Seeya!

- Dov

Good morning. I am sad to report that I had a fall last night. A hard one to say the least.
Good things were learned out of the streak and am back on. My goal isn't to accumulate days as a symbol of honor as I know full well that it means nothing. Every time I get back on he wagon I am stronger at living reality and facing its challenges (both in lust an other matters) . I did encounter something new and unexpected on Friday morning, ironicly on the way to a meeting. I see it as a Devine message. So on my way I walk on to a very Jewish neighborhood corner and I was stunned to see what I did. At early in the morning I saw what I believed was a prostitute. Perhaps I'm wrong but the scene,it was straight out of a movie. I didn't stop and our eyes met for about 3 seconds and it was definitely not a standard bystanders look. Now I have seen plenty of crap and even contemplated on doing something live a long time ago but I never encountered such a situation thank god ( god helps even in the lowest of time). While I hear so many times about prostitutes I never seen one even by accident and here I am on my 14 th day of sobriety (twice that I have reached that point over the last year) on the way to a meeting and the light switching accordingly so that I would turn that corner, that must mean more then just what it appeared to be. The test wasn't weather or not I would approach her but rather how I would handle this new form of lust. I definitley could have handled it better but then again it was a new scene. Not excusing but to bog myself down would be counter productive.Other lessons could be learned as well.
Today is Erev rosh hashanah. I have much to be thankful of the lessons and life tools I gained over the last year. I know I will get to where I need to get to so long as I stay in the right direction and continue to bring god in to my life. I definitely try to take the journey as a gift rather then a heavy burden even when in the worst of times. So I will leave itat that. Wishing all a shanah tovah imetukah!!

Good morning. It's been a bit since I last wrote. Due to what happned last night I felt I should write. I had a fall....yea again. I ts cool though. I'd think I'd feel more broken up about it but I'm not thanks to some gifts from god. I have been writing a lot about logic and emotion and my new found realization that both working in harmony is one of the key reasons I can be so optimistic after a fall and have some great quality days of recovery till that point, regardless how how many days the streak lasts. That said it appears god has new plans for me to take what I have gained so far and take it to the next level. For the second time in a week span something unusual and in my face type of thing happened to get me highly triggered and fast. First was what appeared to be a prostitute on my way to a meeting (ironic isn't it) and then my filter just disappearing on me(I have tried and succeeded many times in the past to get around it but not this time). Everything that happens has a purpose and these are no exceptions. Both times I fell shortly after and each had its own tests (more then one) I believe. I believe based on my s.o.p. that of a not so distant past it would throw me off the wagon for weeks(smaller things have caused that) but thank god both times I am back on the wagon within hours and in the write way. I am not ignoring what I feel which is guilt and shame but I am not stuck in that rut . Hence the mix of emotionless logic and illogical emotions working nicely. I am not angry on god nor resent him in any way. I understand that there is always a next level and recovery isn't a destination but rather the journey itself. I welcome it. Truth of the matter is the worst day of recovery is better then the best day of acting out. As for the unprotected device I have let the password holder know what happned and told them that I should not be using the device as it is completely unprotected. Even on the chart for a second I was like"maybe I should just keep the count going" but immediately told myself that I am kidding no one but myself and reset the count. Ill leave it at that. Wishing all an easy fast and a gmar chatima tovah!!