this may not be the right place, but i really need your help.
my teenage kids drive me UP THE WALL!!!!
this is not just a simple case; they work very "methodically" on my lack of self- confidence.
i just know that if I had more confidence it would be better. I feel lost. disconnected from H'.
whenever I feel like a lousy father i want to go into hirhurim or even worse- for comfort.
i can't take this anymore- HELP!

Dear KP,

It may be true that our problem is not the lusting and masturbation, but living real life without them. Real life without the comfort of our sex-with-self and fantasizing, is just unbearable....or, as you put it, getting close to unbearable!

So.

The 12 steps suggest a path of gaining comfort with real life - or as the addicts put it, "life on Life's terms" (and they mean on G-d's terms, really). It is steps 4-7, then steps 8-10. They are about gaining acceptance of other peoples' limitations, of G-d's power and our lack of knowledge, of our sometimes very self-defeating ways of dealing with events, people, and G-d's Will, and learning to allow Hashem in by getting our self-will out of His way.

As the Kotzker used to say, "Hashem only comes where people let Him in!"

That's all the 12 steps are, nothing else.

Try this lecture by Rabbi Jonathan Rietti

www.torahmedia.com/flexcart/searchResults.php?sid=&cid=&evid=uusxa86twb&directlink=29769

Dov,

I always find your messages so inspiring and real.
this one was no exception.
huge thanks!
KP

Alex,

thank you for the link!
i will look into it. it is good to know of its existence, in times of need....

KP

KP - thanks for the chizzuk. Seriously, it means a great deal to me to be appreciated for things of real value. Continued hatzlocha with your kids...

BH

you are welcome, Dov. keep giving lots of chizuk to all of us here!

When I was going through teenage tension, I always thought "it's my job to raise him, to teach him, to guide him... etc. etc." As long as I held on to my perceived mission, my ego got in the way. It finally occurred to me that perhaps my pain and distress had nothing to do with my "job"; it was simply Hashem's way of purifying my own sins! With this thought in mind my ego evaporated - and my relationship vastly improved.

It's not him driving my crazy, it's my own aveiros that are driving me crazy.

It's not always easy to remember, but when I do it amazingly clears the air.

How is it working now?

Birah

thanks, Bira. i went to a chinuch shiur and the educator (who is amazing, by the way) said very similar things. he said chinuch is about educating oursleves (& working on ou middos) much more than educating our kids. your words resonate very well.
things are a bit better now- thanks so much for your care & advice!

Very glad to hear it!

Birah