I am a 19 year old bachur who just finished shana Alef in a yeshiva in eretz yisreol. I gained tremendously there. Except in this area. It all started in 8th grade with a little looking around on the Internet and took off from there. I never relaized why I had to stop till this year. I figured oh I can always stop when i want... Little did I knw this was growing in2 a huge problem. Anytime my parent weren't home I'd use the computer for hours for these terrible things. When I went to eretz yisroel I did it less bec I had less time and access.... But I've never been clean more than a week or so. It always came back. It usually happend when I was discouraged or upset about something or I was stressed. But obviously when I'm bored the rationalization really kicks in. This JUST happened: c'mon ur so tired nd bored uve been clean for 5 days let's let out some steam... No... Cmon its fine.... No I don't want to... Starting to type the site in... No don't.... Boom. I'm crying now because I want to become closer to hashem so badly and to b a great husband and father and have a happy marriage.... But I can't do that with this.some more details... I find I can actually look away 90 percent of the time in the streets.... And I am really motivated to stop. It's happening again.... Cmon u fell once today another time won't hurt....

all it takes for an alcoholic to get hooked again is the first drink. that's why we'll never be safe unless we work on NOT TAKING the first drink, cos it's almost impossible not be sucked into a downward spiral from that point.

believing we can pull ourselves back from the brink once we get started is just our ego talking - we know we can't. there's no half way house. just got to cut it out period.

easiest way to do it, which i think you've already discovered is to keep busy with fulfilling activities.

BW,

DL

Welcome. You are far from alone in your struggle. Your story and all its details are so familiar.

It sounds like something that was once your secret friend has turned into your master.

You can break free. Be very aggressive with shmiras eynayim. Learn not to look at women altogether. Learn to speak to Hashem immediately when unwanted thoughts come.

Your goal is to give up lust itself. Give it up (surrender it) to Hashem and ask him to take it. Over and over.

You write clearly that you recognize that distress, pain and boredom bring you into lust behaviors like porn searches and masturbating yourself. Sure there is a habit aspect, but you see more to it, b"H.

Therefore, being dilligent and avoiding those things (with kedusah and shmiras ha'eynayim) will not solve your problem: difficulty facing real life without medicating yourself. Would you to perfectly succeed at staying clean - you'd now be just more miserable...and like many here, you'd blame G-d, the yetzer hora, joggers, the internet, or your mother (all the same as blaming Hashem, for they are all part of His Will). So, 'hold on!' is not the answer for you.

On the other hand, using those drugs will certainly keep you in a sick cycle and will prevent clear thinking and real healing. So you probably have no choice but to stop, no matter what mental, religious, psychological improvements you undertake successfully be"H.

So, I guess you will need to daven for help and take whatever steps needed in order to avoid feeding your lust by any use of your eyes, mind, or penis for things they were not made for: fantasy, self-pleasuring, and escape from reality. And at the same time, you will need to start to learn how to face real life with a little bit more trust and confidence in G-d and in yourself.

Rather a tall order - especially since you have undoubtedly been trying all these things as hard as you can, for some years already! And given that your own mind is supervising, this will be hampered by twisted thinking that you cannot recognize. As Chaza"l put it, ein chavush matir es atzmo mibeis ha'asurim.

So keep sharing here and with all safe people in recovery, giving the details of whats going on with you today, each day, and grow, grow, grow! You will stay imperfect, I guarantee it - it's all about real, patient growth as opposed to fake, expedient perfection.

I suggest starting to journal your thoughts and feelings - not on the computer and not on GYE, but in your own handwriting on paper.

This is a huge step for you already!

Hatzlocha!

Dov

Hi there and welcome,

Just to share a personal recent episode regarding the power of davening for Hashem's help in removing our lust. I was B"H doing great for a while. Then out of nowhere, in middle of one night this week, I was overcome with strong urges. B"H (thanks to my constant involvement with GYE chevra - virtually and by phone), I did not even think of falling, but I was certainly not in a matzav of pure kedusha. So what put me back on track? Eventually it was time to say Modeh Ani and get out of bed. I have established this daily minhag that immediately after Modeh Ani I speak to Hashem and ask Him to get me through the day and remove my shortcomings (btw, I also include all ya fellow GYE'ers). Like many have said before: it can't be explained, but like magic, the urges disappeared and - by the grace of G-D - I was back on track.

Hatzlacha

MT

Machshovo wrote on 18 Jun 2012 14:51:
A beautiful example of how mind-altering it is when we truly are concerned for the well-being of others. Also shows what self-honesty with where my priorities really are right this minute, and a drop of real dedication to living better - not just "fighting tayvo", can do for a man.

Chessed Hashem meiOlam v'ad Olam!