I fell today. I feel really bad because it is right after the holiday and I couldn't last.

In the past you fell many times. Did you put in place anything new to lead you to believe that you shouldn't fall any more?

I am guessing that if nothing has been changed then you should fall.

some_guy wrote on 10 Oct 2012 19:13:


That hurts. And now it is really hard to move on, I know. But please hear me when I say that many of us are just sort of holding our breath and waiting till the next time we fall. That's a sitting duck.

The battle lines need to be drawn far, far back from the sperm coming out issue, or even the touching myself in a pleasuring way issue. They need to be drawn back into the self-centered obsessive thinking issue and the depressive self-pitying issue most of us types tend to engage in. That's our battle - not the masturbating ourselves temptation or the looking up porn on the web issue - that's conceding way too much territory to the enemy. It's actually stupid. But please don't feel bad, cuz we all do it! And when you draw the battle lines back to those areas of struggle and growth more and more, you will also have a much easier time seeing your challenge in the fantasizing instead of running to act it out; in the intentional second looks instead of searching for pornography, and staying clean of sex with yourself will not be as difficult.

That will take time. That means patience.

Positive sobriety is like breathing right.

But just staying on the GYE 90-day chart is like inhaling and holding your breath...how long can you hold your breath? And that is why it gets harder and harder as the months pile up. It's not recovery at all! It's just 'waiting to exhale'.

So what practices can you put into place to help G-d do that for you?

I don't understand what you mean. I always thought G-d gave me this challage to overcome and by doing so I will purify my mind and body, the reason of creation. How can I go to G-d for help on a challage he gave me to do? I know this is a wrong way of thinking but this thought just keeps coming to mind. Can you anser it for me?

Rav Noach Weinberg used to like repeating this story, and I hope you can se how to apply it to yourself and that it may be an answer to your question. I will not get it exactly right, but it went like this:

A guy came to Rav Noach after a schmooze he gave about evidence for G-d's existence and told him "I do not need any proofs of G-d. I know He is with me!" Rav Noach ask him how he knows that. The guy rrlated how he was biking on a mountain path and fell of a high cliff, miraculously landing between two rocks without hurting himself at all. He knew only G-d could have done that. "So I don't need you any more," he said.

Rav Noach then asked him if he thinks his experience demonstrates that G-d is all-powerful and controls the world - the man said, "sure it does." Rav Noach then asked him a simple question:

"Then why did He let you fall off the cliff in the first place? .....Sounds like He was trying to get your attention, no?...Maybe you should come to a yeshivah and learn a bit about G-d now?" The guy was quietly thoughtful.

Rav Noach commented that too many people see G-d as 'Superman' - there to save us in times of trouble. But they (we) completely ignore the fact that He sent us into the trouble we are in, in the first place!

He wants a relationship with you and will even use the yetzer hora to get it. That is a thing you are not seeing because you blame yourself for having a penis, having eyes, and living in a world of temptation. Gevalt. Hashem is here, in you, for you.

I feel that your question is a distraction from the facts. You are in trouble and may need Hashem to help you and this may be the one shot you have at actually getting that relationship that He wants to have with you.

When will you finally fall in love with Hashem - only after you have 'beaten' this yetzer hora without Him? Is that what you really believe He is waiting for? Life is a cruel game with Hashem watching from above seeing us rats running through the maze and ready to give reward to the few lucky strong ones who make it to the end?

Do you see an answer for you here?

Love,

Dov

I get it. G-d gave me this sickness so that I will turn to him for help overcoming it. So how do I turn to Him for help?

Also, I found a hole in the K9 filter I have. What should I do?

Plug in the hole with crazy glue.

I fell today. I feel so powerless and pathetic. My rabbi offered to take my laptop form me so that I can't go on bad sites. However that means I can't go on here ether. I said no to his offer, but now I am not so sure. What should I do?

some_guy wrote on 17 Oct 2012 01:54:


Unless you need a machine for a specific reason I think you are better off without. You can also use yeshivanet as an ISP.

You are still going it alone in your struggle, some_guy. The Rabbi - did he tell you that he himself knows how good it feels to use porn or to masturbate yourself? Did he admit to you that he has done some of these things, too? If not, then he is acting as an authority figure, and that's OK. But I ask you: Do you really believe that he has an answer for you?

One rabbi may not be enough. He is not G-d and cannot save you. But you can use friends with whom you can open up - who cannot look down or shame you in any way for they are also recovering porn users. We all have a rocky road. But you can make calls to people a few times a day and let go of temptations with them and live without using porn today. You can do it without holding your breath. And you can do it without shaming yourself with them, either, because we fellow strugglers know exactly what it is like and do not for a second believe that we 'deserve' to be clean today.

I gave my rabbi my computer and have been doing much better.

Boruch Hashem! Continued hatzlocha!!

How did you feel after you gave the computer away?

I felt great. Knowing that I have only clean computers now is great!

Awesome! When I "cleaned up" my devices, I felt a wave of relief.

Don't forget that the yetzer hora doesn't let go that easily, so don't let your guard down.