Hi all,

After a while away from the forum, I've decided to try again, motivated by Rosh Chodesh Ellul.  My approach is going to be three-fold:

1) Reinstall a filter on my machine.
2) I'm hoping to start attending SA meetings in the near future.
3) For the next 90 days (barring shabbat/yom tov), I'll report on how I'm doing EVEN IF I FALL.  I think this will be valuable as it will give me some perspective on how well I do over a longer period.  Also, hopefully the chizuk I receive from the forum, the emails and the handbooks will help to tip the scales in my favour. 

Shabbat shalom, looking forward to keeping you updated!

Hatzlacha!

Great news. Keep us updated.

Good luck.  Welcome back.

Snibril, so good to hear from you! I am so glad you'll be taking your struggle to the next level and joining an SA group. So many guys come to the forum hopeful, thinking that all the chizuk and group support here will be enough. And it is indeed enough for many. But a real addict often needs more than "virtual" people in his wacky world - as Dov says. See this Q & A on our site.

May this time indeed be different.
Hashem is with you, do not fear!

Day 1: Post shabbat update

Shavua tov everyone.  B''H I had a great Shabbat, and was able to start reading the GUE Attitude PDF (I printed it off before shabbat obviously!)  I'm trying not to do it all in one sitting, so that I have some time to absorb the concepts.  I found I was plagued by some mental images towards the end of shabbat, but I'm davening that Hashem will help me with those.  I often find motzei shabbat/sunday a particularly difficult time, as I have so much 'spare' time (i.e. time I could be using for doing more useful things!).  So I may well be popping in here a lot over the next 24 hours for some much needed chizuk - thanks for your support so far! 

Thoughts I've found useful today (mostly gathered from the Attitude PDF):
1) Hashem thinks I've got it in me to pass this test, and who knows better than Him?
2) I've got a chance to do an incredible mitzva every single time I feel an urge to act out - talk about "b'chol l'vavecha uv'chol nafshecha uv'chol me'odecha"!
3) I've got a sickness - I have to actively seek out and implement the cure.  This will necessarily involve changes, some big, some small, in the way I live my life.  I haven't yet come to terms with that, but will need to if I want to control my life.

You're very much on the right track!

Kedusha wrote on 23 Aug 2009 04:07:


Yeah, definitely sounds like it!

Snibril, thanks for writing out those points. I haven't had a chance to look at the guidebook in a bit and even if I would have, it is always good to get reminders. Especially when they are such fundamental and important ones.

Good luck tzadik , We are all behind you NEVER GIVE UP HOPE

Day 2:

A bit more difficult today, but so far I'm doing ok.  Had a couple of times that I was tempted, but reading through the forums (fora?) helps a lot.  I managed to keep myself busy today, which meant I wasn't stuck in front of the screen as much as normal, so I've had less opportunities to act out (and more opportunities to do useful things!). 

Thoughts for today:
The thing I'm most worried about is when I get a couple of days down the line (i.e. midweek), when I've had a long, stressful day, and I get home late, and I just want a release...  It's easy to stay on track when everything's going to plan, and you're feeling optimistic - the real test is when you're already feeling low and your whole day's going wrong.  I'm sure there must be preventative measures I can take in such a case - if I *know* (or at least suspect) that I'm going to feel like this, how can I prepare for it, so that I don't plunge off the deep end?

I'm not sure how "hakol bidea shamayim, chutz mi'yirat shamayim" fits in with the idea that we should just give over the fight to Hashem - isn't the idea of bechira chofshit that Hashem gives that one instant of the fight to us?

Dear Snibril,

I have a difficult time figuring out my patterns in terms of when I might slip or fall and need help. I know when I feel stressed, lonely and sad, I want to be careful. You can turn to us a whole, there is a great thread for this called I'm About To Fall. I think even if you're not at that point, but you're feeling that you may be close, it could be good to post there and reach out for help. Maybe you can get in touch with some individuals here to be last minute contacts. Do you have a partner/sponsor? I also find exercise to be helpful, even just taking a walk, changing my immediate environment. Hmm..., I should really heed my own advice.

In terms of your second thought, bechira chofshis means bechira chofshis. Meaning, I have the choice to do what I want and I'd think that choosing to give over the fight to HKB"H is indeed a choice. It might be more bitachon than hishtadlus, but even that I'm not sure of. I can choose to fight, flee or freeze. (That's a little psychology/physiology.) Each one is a choice.

I hope that helps.

all the best,

Struggle

Hi Snibril! You asked a question that really requires a whole discussion, but for now let me try to answer b'kitzur.

1) Bechira is only in ratzon -we have free will to get pulled after the desires of our body and make that our ratzon; or we can get pulled after our neshomoh and our seichel and make that our ratzon. Hishtadlus is part of this - we need to put our ratzon in to action. But success is only in the Hands of Hashem.

2) We often have bechira to stay out of a situation but once we get ourself in to the situation we may not have bechira any more.

3) It goes without saying that every person's bechira is only within certain limits. For example if someone didn't learn a word of Torah in his life and has always been wasting all his time on nothing, he doesn't have bechira to not be mevatel Torah at all. Of course with time he will get there but right now there's nothing to talk about. There's no reason to think that a lust addict is any different. In fact the Ohr Hachaim Hakodosh says explicitly that once someone sinned in this area he can't stop al pi derech hateva. When we have the seichel to realize that the lust is killing us, and we run to Hashem to save us then He makes a miracle for us and saves us from the addiction.

I have to go to sleep now, I hope this helps you.

Day 3:

Made my initial call to SA - hopefully attending my first meeting tomorrow or Wednesday.  On the downside, had a couple of minor slips, and I'm currently on a rollercoaster, sometimes feeling strong, sometimes feeling like I could fall.  It would probably help if I was getting on with my work...  :-\

On a side-note, the SA person implied that some of the meetings take place in a church building - does anyone know the halachot of entering a church for this purpose?  I have actually been into a church building a couple of times for college exams, but I didn't enter the main part of the building - I don't think these meetings are there either, but I'm not sure.

One of our members asked Rav Shmuel Kaminetsky and was told that he should join the groups even in a church building. The behaviors we are trying to stop are much worse!

I want to thank Battleworn for that wonderful answer. I think I will share it in today's Chizuk e-mail!

Day 4:

Today's turning into a real challenge.  So frustrated at work, keep thinking I may as well give in, and then reminding myself that's not going to help anyway.