just a few notes from my diary:

MONDAY, 23 APRIL 2012
I was on a high today. In fact since last Wednesday, the first sober day in my latest streak (5 days), I felt on top of the world. It feels like I’ve been sober for years. Today I had a busy schedule from 6:45am until 20:00. Davening (rosh chodesh), work and chavrusa, all seemed to be going quite well, despite me being exhausted at points. Boy, did I feel fulfilled. And free.
It came as a shock to me, when for the first time since my ‘new reality’ I felt like I was longing for sexuality. I felt a slight yearning for an opportunity to taste sexual arousal again. Of course these feelings are followed by immediate dismissal; after all I’m in the recovery process already, but they are disturbing. Will these feelings intensify? Am I meant to close my eyes to these urges or force them out? Maybe I should do neither. I need to accept them. Not to welcome them of course, but to accept the fact that that I’m having these feelings. I can’t close my eyes to the fact that I do taste sweetness in what is actually a bitter poison and I also have come to realise that by believing that I will be able to force them out, I am just letting myself into a head-on fight with an enemy far stronger than me. I will fall once again.
As I write these words, there’s an inner voice saying: “Who says? This time you have backing! Your group, contacts (which I have not made yet) etc etc. (what’s that?) what makes you think you WILL fall?”
But the history of this mistake is too sad to let me repeat it once again.
Yes I have these feelings. It’s undeniable. It’s also disappointing, but what do I expect after developing a taste for them for the last ten years or so. I defiantly can’t fight it. What am I meant to do?
I will call ____ right now...
Thanks ____! Really I’m a little confused, I can’t really pinpoint to what tool or advice ____ just gave me, he said quite a few things, but I feel good that I shared it with him. I guess I won’t want to call him back and disappoint him.
In the end of the day, I am still powerless over this addiction, I can’t afford to fall again, I have to live real life, because that’s the only ‘life’. All the rest is death. And Hashem, my tatty, please let this day, (yes this day; I can’t start to worry about tomorrow and the next day and this and that situation etc.) so let this day, Monday, 1 iyar 5772 pass without me acting out. You are in control now!
I don’t know how much of this is coming from what ____ said and how much I’m just feeling myself now, but if I feel this way suddenly after getting off the call to ____, I must thank him for this next time I speak to him.

Humpty Dumpty

all the kings horses and all he kings men couldn't put Humpty together again.
Can TATTY?

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.

dumpty, this is one of the most emesdike posts I've ever seen. Your insight is a huge blessing to yourself and to others. Keep up the good work!

Some notes from my diary. If you disagree, tell me. I you can benefit from them, all the better.
I started the 12 steps full of enthusiasm. Getting connected, going to meetings and sharing my story and struggles weren’t easy, but I could quickly feel a different kind of life. Instead of the constant running after – running away from my addiction, I started to taste life. Although I experienced some bumps and slips, I did get some samples of what life could be like if I give up this illness to ‘Tatty’.
It was therefore quite confusing, when I fell last Wednesday and acted out five times in the next 24 hour period after having 20 sober days. I needed to figure out what I was doing wrong.
It seems to me that things boil down to two main issues:
1. I was getting nervous about my sobriety streak. I had ‘done’ 20 days. I was pushing myself to ‘do it’ right, in order to get a longer clean time, instead of taking just one day at a time. He’avar ayin. It’s gone so i should just forget about yesterday. Today is the issue. Today I’m an addict, no matter how many days I happened not to have acted out. Today I’m powerless. Today, save me! Just today, Tatty.
2. I couldn’t help feeling good about being sober for a period of time. After all I was relating to my wife better, enjoying my kids more, working better, and I felt a stronger connection with Hashem in davening. It’s a fact. How can you not feel good about that? But that’s what brought me down. I thought the struggle was all over. Or rather it really felt like that.
I need to enjoy freedom of addiction, WITHOUT forgetting about how real, dangerous and imminent it still is.
Kave el hashem. Chazak veametz libecha. Vekave el Hashem.
Kave el hashem – My only hope is Hashem. Now you will reach hights like never before. Chazak veametz libecha. – Take the chizuk...
and follow straight away with another Kave el hashem – My only hope is Hashem!


All the best,
Humpty


…all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again.
Can TATTY?

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity.

Humpty wrote on 13 May 2012 15:27:


I looooooooooooove this quote.

what does it mean??