I slipped again on Thursday night.

It wasn't as bad as my previous slips. I did not look at anything graphic. But it was a slip.

I am a married man. I have children. The guilt/shame I feel is becoming greater and greater with each succeeding slip. It has definitely something that has become between my wife and I (even though she doesn't know about it).

Also, every time I slip I feel so terrible about myself that it affects the way I am around the house (I become moody, cranky). So not only am I looking at these pictures but afterwards I'm punishing people even more for MY aveirah. I realize that olam haba will be difficult at first but I feel like I am getting an advance preview.

When I came on this forum two weeks ago, I really plunged ahead and for a week I forgot about all these difficulties. But, slowly but surely, it insidiously all came back (I began to think about these images again). Then, last week, I was vulnerable because of health issues, and BOOM, on Thursday night I started looking again!

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is when I slip like this. I can't even begin to think about having relations right now with my wife b/c of what a hypocrite I feel like.

It seems like with every succeeding slip the guilt and shame becomes more and more painful.

I know I need to get a filter. I know that is my next step. I need to do it today.

I know these feelings will pass. They always do within a few days.

I feel like this is Hashem's way of punishing me for what I am doing. And then the way I behave afterwards just compounds it.

I am going to go see about a filter.

Yes holy one, you need a filter indeed. But keep in mind that a filter will not stop the craving. You also need to filter your mind from all lustful thoughts, and your eyes from all lustful sights. Try that for just one day. I'm sure you can do it. And if you can, then you got it made, cuz you only live one day at a time. So just keep at it one day at a time.

Hatzlacha rabbah

MT

Machshovo wrote on 29 Apr 2012 19:57:


Yes, that is so vital. The day-by-day thing is just so vital to recovery. Every day should be considered as day 1. If its day 2. or 3 or 1000 the only way to true recovery, at least what works for me, is if it is day 1. My first attempt for 90 days i fell at about 82. Every night around about the time i began my 90 days i would think to myself 'ah....day 57 over. day 58 beginning'. etc etc. This, i think, is partly the reason i fell in the end. The best thing is just to remember that today is all that matters. nothing else. This moment, as the Rambam says that every single moment of a person's life he should consider the entire world half good and half bad. just one good deed can tilt the scales, 'bringing geula to the entire world'. You can do it! Focus on today! If today's a success, tomorrow will be even better, as long as you start all over again when you wake up in the morning!

This, my friend, might also help you to overcome the anger, etc afterwards. All that matters is NOW. not what happened, not will happen even in the next second. it is this second that is important. its all we should care about. that is called living. What am i doing now for my recovery. getting a filter. doing shmiras haeynayim. getting a live sponsor. doing a taphsic shevua. posting on the fourms. reading GYE material. Now. Forget about all your falls of the past and the unknown of the future. The present is all we have.
besoros tovos

Thank you everyone for your responses.

TODAY I will be vigilant in keeping my eyes where they belong.

TODAY I will work very hard in not engaging in lustful thoughts OR behavior.

If, Gd Forbid, I do engage in any of these thoughts/behaviors, I will "change the channel" and move on.

ONLY Today!

Thank you, again, everyone!

Holyjew welcome. After reading your post I would suggest you listen to the following shuir from Rabbi Reisman is think you will find it helpful.
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3 wishing you much hatzlacha in your journey.