A time to face it. The whole thing consists of increasing the pain in order to make it unbearable and you let it go ! Yesterday I made this mistake of describing some of my worst adventures in lust thinking it would help the recovery. It eventually led me back to "shaarei moves", once again craving for it but I resisted, though it still kicks in at the very moment I am writing those lines. It is vital for me to do it in order not to yield. I realise how precious is the GYE Chevra.
The mission for today was to answer some questions about the problem, i. e. first of all (and the hardest part), indentify your triggers. I gave some, crossed some other out, and finally wrote them bck. Honesty. I was feeling guilty and ashamed to see what kind of stuff arouses best, but now their ONLY life is on paper. No place in my mind anymore. Then I had to describe some of the withdrawal and rebund effect I have experienced in my living hell.
Finally, I read the part on the "solution" in the Big Book and took notes.
For the moment I feel like having scratched a badly infected open wound. A necessary surgery but painful, just as the stupid self-pride who brought me into problems was falling to pieces. It hurts, believe it does, but I keep on going because it is worth the pain, and surely not as painfull as a denaturated "life" filled with fear, guilt and spiritual death..
