Today I just want to share with you a perfect example of delusion. As I've alreedy posted on the forum, I am going stepping in 40days trip through the 12 Steps. On Day 3, yesterday actually, the mission is to read "Bill's story" in order to find in which extent you can identify with what is written down.
I had already read many times "A personnal story" published in the White Book of SA. So, I decided to start and genuinely write my OWN story. Why use an example when you are a living paradygm of the problem ?! I tried.
At the beginning, let's say I was honest. But soon, some details of my lust experiments became more and more precise and.... triggering. Still, I thought I could manage. My recovery, wasn't it after all a good cause !? Once again, I was sinking in lust in a perfect exercise of self-deluding.
I wrote down things for SEVERAL hours. The fact that I was really and openly sexually aroused didn't bother me that much. Then again, my wife had problem to come back home early and I spent the evening writing. I thought it was my life and for a good purpose. Actually, I was making all my old fantasies ALIVE, opening once again the Pandora's box without any fear. Awfull.
Soon, the urge to surf for shmutz became a possible option (though I am clean for 41 days). I got nervous because I can NO MORE access from home. But in my mind I heard the familiar liar, tomorrow morning, when the whole home is still asleep, you will find a way... Immediatly, the same cycle of fear/craving started !
This morning, I took the I-phone of my wife, I was alone and free to choose. I've really thought I would fall again and face the wall. B"H, G-d made then what I couldn't : He helps me in making my daughter cry once and then twice, so hard that my wife had to come to the living-room to soothe her ! What a wonderful experiment ! Even if by now I only made but a little in working the steps, it sounds it works really 'cause otherwise, I 'm sure I would have fallen !