B"H

Hello everyone. Wanted to share home thoughts and a struggle I am going through. I am a bochur full fime in yeshiva--6:30 AM to 10:45PM on a normal day. I Baruch Hashem try to serve Hashem to the furthest extent, learning and davening intensely, being nice to everyone, spread Yiddishkeit, and try to give my life over to the way of a tzaddik. Nevertheless I'm still gashmi and have hidden within these animal urges. I am a baal teshuva. I've been from for over three years. Before that I was very into sexuality, not a creep but like any American straight teen. My suspicion is that I became that way also due to a shaky childhood, then divorce and each of.my three older brothers having serious drug problems. But I changed my life, and I try to devote every aspect of myself to G-d. I don't m-bate on a regular basis.(it has happened in the past few years enough times to count on both hands.)I don't look at pn or not tzniyus pictures regularly, even in person I try not to look at women. And i do this very well, but I have this desire and consequently fantasies of being intimate with a woman. I don't want shmutz and even when once in a blue moon i slip up i know its stupid. It is such airy nothingness. I can see that 95% of the time. But when i realize that tachlis I don't have a woman, and  I dont have a frum normal family for love and support in ruchniyus matters, I slightly fall in spirit. Can anyone feel my pain? Really just want.to be understood.
I really don't see any point in complaining but I want to hear.

ANS!
Hello! wishing you hatzlocho in every aspect!
this desire is only normal for a bosor vdom, but for an angel its absoloutly not acceptable!
and therefore hashem told us, vlo sosuri...
wishing you a zevug hogun bekorov uvniekel

It sounds like you are want to get married, before sexuality the main benefit of marriage is the intimate connection with someone who loves you. I remember when I was looking to get married that it helped me to be in close contact with good friends of the regular type, not just to soothe the desire to connect but also to prepare for the bond of marriage. I don't know if this is applicable, it's just an idea.
Either way, Hatzlochoh in finding your zivvug at the right time. 

Hey ANewStart,

Sometimes I look at my friends who are getting married or in a happy long-term relationship and think maybe it would be nice to have a girlfriend to talk to, go out with etc too.

But then I remember that I've still got so much work to do to repair the damage that years of addiction did to my life. I realise that being tied up in a relationship would be detrimental to my progress in my present circumstances and would not help me. I honestly believe that God wants the best for each one of us, and when we are ready he will give us what we are destined to have.

What we sometimes think is good for us at that time, turns out to be the very opposite. Also, suffering and deprivation is sometimes a blessing because it forces us to grow and keeps us on the straight and narrow.

I'm sure when the time is right, God will manage affairs that he will bring our Zivug into our lives. All we have to do in the meantime is to work on recovery day by day with happiness.

That's my 2 cents, and have a great weekend.

DL 

Sounds like you're in a good place overall.  I can't help wondering why you're on this site if you don't really have a problem with lust, as you describe.

It is normal to desire a relationship with a woman.  If you're fantasizing about sex, that's not going to be helpful, and will lead to frustration and feeling down.

My best advice is to ask Hashem regularly (in every shmona esrei) to take your inappropriate thoughts and desires, and replace them with appropriate feelings of yearning for your true bashert, in the right time.

Much hatzlocha,
Alex

It sounds like you are a human being.  Don't be too hard on yourself for that.

I have, for whatever reason, taken lust as my preferred drug of choice.  It doesn't matter if it's fantasies, or masturbation, or pornography; whatever for it takes, I have used it to make me feel better.

I have also come from a messed up family, and am a ba'al teshuva [definitely related--either to be a BT or to end up dead somewhere, I think.  So, I'm not doing too bad despite everything].  I thought I was condemned to lust for the rest of my life because of the "exposure" I had in my previous gilgul.  However, I have learned here on GYE that I can gain freedom from lust.  Not only that but, through recovery, I have gained valuable tools for dealing with life.  The difficulties of life which used to cause me so much pain, no longer drive me to act out.  I can now face them and deal with them, rather than hide from them.

I still have slips,  but I use them now as signals that I have work to do on myself, and then I get to work.  I am human, and I still feel lust--and sometimes very strongly.  But I have a mature way to deal with it now.  And, overall, my life is far better than it was before I got to GYE.

Good luck to you (and keep on posting!),

--Elyah

Thanks so much for responding everyone.
Listen the truth is, I've realized is that I'm simply lonely. The tacos nashim  I believe in all people is rooted in a desire for intimacy, for closeness. It's hard, but I realize that even when I'm married I won't be any better unless I embrace Hashem first, for that's the only true source of closeness. I pray to G-d that all will be good and every day and every experience will make me stronger physically and spiritually.

I once heard something regarding marriage:  2 halves don't make a whole; 2 wholes make a whole.  We've got to work on ourselves as best as we can, and bring that into marriage.  That includes a feeling of having a purpose, meaning, and satisfaction in life.

--Elyah

I just finished reading Garden of Peace, a Marital Guide for Men Only by R' Shalom Arush for the second time.  I noticed that he recommends the book for men who are not yet married.  There's even a section at the end written especially for those in shidduchim and engaged.  Perhaps it would be helpful for you to read it now.  I'm thinking it would give you somewhat of an outlet in this area.  You would at least feel you are doing something constructive toward your future marriage.  You would also learn correct attitudes toward women, which, I think, will help you feel better.

Amazing hashgacha protis, last night I just pulled out the garden of peace and was debating reading it. I guess I will check it out IYH.