I wanted to start this forum so that I could receive help for my personal struggles. In a way I feel that writing on a forum about struggles that I have, about my relationship with hashem, being public although anonymous, isn't tznius. Yet, I've been trying for so long to stop and I just don't know what to do. Maybe speaking to others and seeking advice will help. So here's my story (presented in my best attempt to be tzanua):
I'm currently somewhere between 20-24.
I began to struggle with this in grade 10. I was always warned about how bad it was, that I would lose my olam haba, chalila vchas. The first time it happened, I can still remember the video online. I cried.
Then it happened again... and I cried. And again... but I didn't cry.
I remember it became frequent, like once or twice a week. I felt terrible and wanted to stop. I remember writing on a sheet of paper things to discourage mean from giving in. I wrote about how bad it was, what it did to my soul, what I would feel like afterwards. I wrote this list after falling and I could sense myself crying out to myself to stop. I looked a couple times at the sheet and it actually worked. The problem was, the urge would usually lead me to not look at this list lest it stop me. I have a more elaborate list nowadays. I always try to avoid looking at it. Not because it may get me to stop. I have a fear that I may read it, give in, and then feel even worse about myself.
This continued throughout high school, becoming more and more frequent. Eventually I was falling once a day. I sinned beyond count (it hurts to write that).
I looked forward to studying in Israel for the year – I thought that would finally help me get over my problem. There was no internet where I went. There were times when I struggled anyways but I succeeded in stopping. But when I would have internet access I would immediately fall again. I’d see an attractive picture somewhere, and the ability to access the internet would instantly trigger strong desires to give in. When I returned to my home, I began failing again on a frequent basis. I was totally broken. I thought I would be cured. This is when I learned that I can only get better if I overcome the temptation, not merely avoid it (although I should never intentionally seek out a situation where I’ll struggle).
I give in now about once and sometimes twice a week. It’s hardest when I know I’ll be alone.
For some reason I just don’t try. I tell myself, you must try! I prepare myself, and cry out to hashem to help me. I learn a lot of Torah every day. Mussar every night. I try not to overindulge. But when I’m in the moment of the struggle, nothing matters. Sometimes the struggle becomes very intense and I give in. But so often I give in with practically no fight. Maybe I’m afraid to try because of how unpleasant it is (even though I’ve tried to internalize that every moment I withhold is a moment of unbelievable dveikus bakadosh baruch hu, but I just don’t think clearly, maybe I should work more on that). Maybe it’s because I don’t believe I’ll succeed anyways (even though I tell myself that only today matters). Maybe it’s because I don’t have enough yirah or emunah. Maybe it’s because my ratzon isn’t strong enough. Maybe it’s because deep down inside I don’t fear the consequences because of the ability to do teshuva (the irony being that then I won’t be able to do teshuva). Maybe it’s because gye tells me I’m an addict, undergoing an addictive pattern, and therefore I feel like it’s not my fault (even though I know that isn’t an excuse). Maybe it’s because I’ve failed so many times before I think that it doesn’t matter anymore if I fall again (although I know it matters immensely). Maybe it’s because I’ve become like two different people. Maybe it’s because in a moment of temptation, all the messages, lessons, and motivations become de-internalized and fail to speak to me. I become blinded by desire, and become drawn after worthlessness. I tell myself it won’t give me real pleasure. I tell myself how bad it is. I tell myself how much it ruins my relationship with G-d. I tell myself it’s an illusion. I tell myself no. But it doesn’t sink in. I ignore myself.
Afterwards I become saddened and regretful – I want to prove that I can succeed! I question if I really have emunah. I feel like I just want to be alone, like I want to run away to some mountain top and become a different person. I feel like I need to change myself entirely. Yet, I have nothing concrete to really do. Slowly though the sadness lifts. Then I start thinking of a secular world. One little thing and a thought is triggered in my mind that maybe not being religious would be more fun. I see a mad world around me of people who chase their sexual urges with no reserves and no guilt. I find it hard to really feel like being Jewish is more pleasurable (although I know it is). I know that sounds extreme, and I’m confident I’ll always remain a religious Jew and I’ll always believe in hashem (who showers his kindness upon me even though I sin; who gives me another day to live, proving that he still has confidence that I can succeed). I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I know I’m not a terrible Jew. Aside from this one struggle, I really feel like I’m on the right track. However, as the Ramchal writes, even just one sin (especially one this bad) is very serious and severe. It’s a scary thought not knowing what hashem thinks about me and my struggle (and no one can claim that they really know). Then, as this fantasy of a secular world pops into my head, I lose focus on my avodas hashem. My guard goes down, a temptation comes up, and I fall. Then the cycle begins again.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried a lot (but maybe I could try better). I’ve taken a neder not to eat if I mess up. It hasn’t worked yet…
Where do I go from here? What do I do? So here I am, writing this, putting myself out there. Please help me. I just want to be a good Jew. I just want to be able to have a vibrant relationship with hashem.
