I went for a massage yesterday at a registered massage clinic.  The old lady has an RMT license.  I didn't really want to go, lost a lot of time from work, yet I still went and today I'm now (trying to) catch up on work.  I don't feel I did anything particularly wrong, and yet, my thoughts before and after the massage were obsessing about the massage.  I don't know what my problem is.  I don't feel this is considered acting out, since I didn't really do anything "wrong".  And yet, I feel I relied on the experience to distract me from something else.  In particular, I read a portion of the SA book that talks about using the moments when we have such urges to connect with our Higher Power.  For some reason, I partially connected, but didn't want to connect fully.  I guess I'm just confused because I don't know where I'm holding.  Just thought I'd vent.  I have no urges today and feel I can make today a Gcdly day.  Although admittedly for the past while my prayers have been said in a hollow can; i.e. I feel empty.  I'm accepting the "yoke" of this stage, and realize I have to plug through it, but it's tiring... I just haven't had a breakthrough, or a deep connection...

Edge,
Thanks for sharing your ongoing struggle with us.
In my own recovery, I've gone through stages.  In my current stage, I'm working on being a giver.  Truly giving for the sake of giving, not for the sake of receiving something in return.  This is real work, especially for a lifelong addict.  Addiction is all about taking.

Two things strike me about you and these massages.  The first I've said before.  They're triggering.  Now I know, this one didn't lead directly to acting out.  But for you a massage is so much an accessory to lust, it's no longer distinguishable.  Massages, even if they don't turn you on, in my opinion, are feeding that same part of your brain.  Which may be why you still feel so disconnected.  Because you're still taking sips.  Lower alcohol content, but sips nonetheless.

The second thing, is that getting a massage is a completely selfish encounter with another person.  (Sorry, I won't buy the parnassah argument.)  She's giving and you're taking.  For an addict, this can be poison.

So that's what I think you did.
Hey, you asked!
Love you,
Alex

Thanks Alex.  Whether or not this is considering acting out or not (probably is), doesn't really address the problem, which is that the preoccupation and obsession with lust has not subsided and is not being fully dealt with.  In time.  I'm working on it.  Thanks for your reply.  much appreciated.