Darn. I made it 3 weeks (I think, maybe 2 and a half). I was doing so well, but this past thrusday I slipped up bad. Its like when my streak is done I can do it as many times as I want and i have this mind set thats telling me I can do it as many times as I want and i should do it as many times as i can while I still am down, its weird its liek I expect to get back up but while I am still down I can just linger down here. I want to get up and I think I will be able to yet right now I have very little pushing me to get back up. I hate this but I had my k9 down and I took advantage of it. I will pray to hashem that i will be stronger, because i want to date yet I dont want to get married before I have a 90 day streak. Just looking for some chizuk thats all. Thank you all. I hope I remember and read this email when I have a taiyvo to act out again and know how much this stinks and how disgusting I feel now after acting out. Its sort of funny how I expect to feel good and it does feel good yet at the same time the disgusting feeling that i have after always comes subsequently. Hopefully I can strengthen myself to overcome this and iy'h  one day I will be tahor. I hope that hashem sees how much I want to be tahor even when I am tamai and he will give me strength to overcome this. 

why did you have your k9 down? Do you have the password?

Keep taking it one day at a time, one nisayon at a time.  It's not important how many times you fall, but how quickly you get back up.  Do understand what led to your fall, but don't dwell on it.  Redouble your efforts at shmiras eynayim.  Guard your mind against fantasies.  STAY AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER ALTOGETHER.  YOUR SOBRIETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING ON LINE.  If you must get on the computer, set a strict time limit.  Say (bli neder or maybe without bli neder) that you're only going to check your email and then get right off and shut it down.  Then do it.  But better would be to stay off altogether.

Do you have any type of procedure in place (read: fence) that would allow you a moment of clarity before you succumb? Do you read chizuk emails? Have you read the handbook and picked a strategy for success? How did you manage to stay clean for twenty day, by will power alone? Did you make any effort to reach out to another real person? Do you have an accountability partner? Do you have a webchaver?
Thanks for sharing your struggles with us and your desire to stay stopped from porning and m$trbtng, but please also share what it is you do or plan to do in order to succeed in a long run?

From my experience, the length of your streaks do not make any difference in the long run. It boils down to the quality of your sobriety. I don't want to be negative but I had lots of success while I was new here on the site. I was pumped up and generally felt good about all this. The length of my "clean streaks" were long (up to 60 days) but I wasn't going anywhere. A few months later after several falls, I got used to GYE and went back to my old habits (as if I was never on the site). I'm still not where I want to be but I feel that I'm starting to get it now so there is hope. People may disagree with me and that is great (people are different) but that is mt 2 cents.

installed wrote on 06 Feb 2012 20:59:


Excellent insight.  Forced clean streaks end.  Real sobriety endures, but it requires real personal growth and change.  It means truly giving up lust.

Ya installed very smart line what you wrote. I got a new computer so I didnt have my k9 up. Its been up since sunday and b"h it has been very good. I am reading the chizuk emails. I went to the mikva this week. I am trying really hard now. Not just to have a streak but to have a high quality streak that should end up biesras hashem being more than just a streak. I agree so much with the quality aspect you brought up. I had streaks but gazed at bad pics during the time. These past 4 days I havent looked at one bad picture and by choice. Bli ayi harah I will continue to grow stronger with my torah learning and the chizuk emails, Thanks guys.

I had a few new-computer/new-operating system opportunities without K9 and I fell with every one of them. You need to qualitatively upgrade your sobriety to v2 or v2.1. I don't have any filter at work (impossible, so don't ask) so I need extra help from Hashem to stay sober. So far, so good.

abcd1234 wrote on 10 Feb 2012 06:01:


You're heading in the right direction.  Clearly you need to redefine your goals here.  A streak during which you haven't masturbated is not a streak of sobriety.  If you're still looking at women in any setting you're still taking doses of the drug, and are still drunk with lust.

True change, true sobriety means much more than just abstinence, though.  It means not wanting to lust.  Because you know it destroys you, kills your happiness.  Sobriety means that any time you are tempted to begin lusting, in any form, you immediately surrender that taiva, that will, your will, to Hashem.  You give up your will to Hashem.  You do what He wills you to do.

That's real recovery.  Real change.  Real growth.

It's just real.

Take a deep breath and try it.  You'll like it.  You'll be truly happy.

I completely agree! I definately will try  very hard.