I was talking to my rebbe about what to do about my issue and my recent low.  I have actually been doing ok in the realm of P/M, not great but ok.  He told me that in chasidus the act we know too well is a form of disconnection from Hashem, and when that happens some energy, usually negative has to come in.  I have been thinking, observing and reflecting a lot.  I have been depressed lately, down, and lazy.  I have also been very doubtful.  I have come to a conclussion.  My well being is dependent on doing what Hashem wants me to do.  Not what I want to do, what He wants me to do.  and though I dont know exactly what that is, when I act at least proactively I feel better.  when I feel better I do more/better.  vice versa, when I act out I feel worse, when I feel worse I do less/worse.  I had misplaced my G-d, but He didnt misplace me.  I have been struggling with the accepted psychology and my own experiences and quite honestly psychology hasnt helped me so much, but Torah and avodas Hashem has.  I have no other answers.  but I know that I cant act out anymore.  I wanted my old life back.  I have been trying to balance aspects of it and where i am now, and I dont know if that balance is possible or not.  but I need to stop playing around and get back into productive life.  I sawa one liner from an old friend that I havent talked to (female non Jew) that is in recovery from heroin addiction.  She said You cannot go back out to the way things were because you have already walked into the solution."  That is how I am going to keep clean.  I need to accept that if I want to get better I have to do it on Hashem's terms.  Not mine.  I would like to be able to guilt free masturbate once in a while.  but it's not working.  because I know it's wrong, because it's a cover up.  I cant do it.  This is my derech.  I dont really know how concrete it is, but I get it.  I've been journalling, watching myself and staying clean.  Trying to get myself to learn more.  that's what's helped more than anything, but I've been very lazy on vacation and it's been really hard to get myself to get up and go.  I've been listening to shiurim but that's not the same as being amol bTorah. but that's the only way I can get up! I'm ready.  I have to be.  this is my life and I need to do it.  this is my recovery, my avoda, and I have to.  thanks for all the support.  I wish I could say it was more influenced by y'all, but as my mother says, I have to figure things out on my own.  I'm sure that your advice has been influencial, and maybe I'm still a bit arrogant and think I figured it out (after all isn't it really Hashem that told me the answer?).  thanks for listening and responding, and I am ready to listen and talk.  kol tov, and may we all have hatzlacha in finding our ways home!