so I dont really know how to do this but I am giving up semantics and my ego and I have to do something about this.  I have been lax and fell mildly hard once and hard just now (twice actually just now, once and then resolving to get better, then again even harder minutes later.)  I really dont know what to do.  first on a list is going through some steps in a twerski book.  I am not ready for meetings, but I am interested in talking to someone about this.  i have a text into a mashgiach I trust.  I need to stop.  before the summer when I was doing better with this it it was so beautiful. now I am so, I dont even have words.  I feel like I hit a wall, and I know something great is on the other side.  but I cant push through.  I need Hashem to take the wall away.  and He wont unless I make efforts to show that I really want the wall gone.  and I havent been doing \that.  so am I an addict?  it doesnt matter.  what matters is that I get better.  I am facing two demons, what a Rabbi once told me was a yetzer hara shel teva-OCD battling me intellectually and a compulsion to go beneath my morals and fall in the realm of pornography and masturbation.  and I cant win unless I at leadst know that it matters to, that I can live up to my potential.  I dont expect Hashem to just take away the yetzer hara, but I do expect it to get easier the more I win, and htat if I really decide that I want to win that I can.  and really I have to.  my life hasnt become out of contril, but my spirituality has and that used to be very important to me.  really, who is alive? the one spiritually alive and right now I feel dead.  and I hate it.  so I know I have said I am done before, but this time I wont.  I have to be done.  I just cant keep doing this.  and I need help.  where is that help going to come from?  not sure.  I know it has to be Hashem, but I've sort of forgotten what that means.  i guess I have to relearn it.  next step-soul searching and not"sipping", because every time I do, I fall.  maybe not then imediately, but eventually.  adn every time I refrain entirely, I make it.  the problem is, what makes me start sipping, or slipping in the first place?  that I need to find out.  I think it may be depression.  so I got to work on that too.  i got a lot to do.  I cant just stick around here all day, I got to get to it!

I would first tell you: Re-lax so you don't Re-lapse. Take a deep breath inward through your nose, hold it a few seconds and then exhale slowly through your mouth. I'll let the experts here take over for me regarding what you should do....Hashem loves you!

I know what you're going through and I just want to encourage you. I went into 5772 hoping to finally break this addiction. I got 21 days and then fell before Rosh Hashanah. I haven;t even got back to 21 day streak since then, and have fallen many times (even in the span of a few hours). So I understand the frustration, desperation and strength it takes to keep going. I know you can make it through today. Be encouraged and I would agree that it is important to relax. Find something productive to do today and take small steps. believe me it works. Tonight I will have made it 21 days for the first time in months and my longest clean streak in 5772. Be strengthed brother!

mazal tov!  today has been good.  Everyone I talk to about this mentions strength.  I dont think strength is so important, because it takes strength of heart to sin as much as it does to overcome.  I think resolve to do the right thing is the important step.  how to establish that, is the question...

Read this in one sitting. Maybe you can relate at least a bit?
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/ebooks/Nutshell%20July2011.pdf

Hey there
First of all your starting to feel like your hitting the bottom -i.e. trying really hard and not succeeding  =-might as well just give up - I know I've been there and am never far away

BUT I want to give you an analogy from a totally different perspective .....
Let suppose you are working out or trying to loose weight
You go to the gym and lift weights - you do it for two hours until you can't lift your arms
you go home and you feel really sore - and the next day you still feel sore but its a good sore - because you know you put in some serious effort

Now let a week or even 4 days go by without doing anything - chances are you'll hardly feel a thing - any you certainly wont have any physical results to show for it - makes sense no

Then why do we ( you and me and a lot of others) think that if we are "good" daven to hashem get our thoughts on the derech for a day, a week, a month or longer than when we stop pushing forward and just coast a bit that we are not in for trouble - no matter how far we have come if we don't make the commitment every day we are always vulnarable to temptation

You post about hashem removing the wall - making it all just go away --- but that's just it
life is not about conquering a mountain and then sitting on the top enjoying the scenery
just as we overcome one hill another one is waiting to take its place - that what it means to be an addict
i.e. the temptation is always there - we dont always or ever have to listen but its always there.
Once you accept this - ok then your thinking - well now I am even more depressed than before
you are telling me I can never win and will always be fighting - I can hack it - its too much

But that where Hashem gives us the greatest gift of all - its called simcha- listen carefully
Just like a body builder or a runner or someone who excels at their job they do the heavy lifting day in and day out
its what makes them great - they almost never take time off
but how do they do it - becuase once they realize the enjoyment of success- they love the lifting - the work - the activity
the challenge become fun or gives them simcha
Fighting the YH ( even though very hard) can become a source of simcha
If you for example have read Dov's posts - the guy just exudes fun in counselling all of us

think about it - if you have been successful in the past you too can get simcha through being good and then it wont seem quite so hard

"life is not about conquering a mountain and then sitting on the top enjoying the scenery "
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