During my teenage years I always had at least a hava amina that I might be a rasha. My taavas were so strong that it seemed only possible to control for up to 2 days. By day 3 it was impossible. No matter how motivated I was, I fell. I was so addicted to looking at inappropriate pictures, I would go into book stores stick a magazine in my pocket and go to the bathroom and etc. I never got caught. What is unbelievable is, with the exception of this, I was always a very honest person, I really was, and I was known for that. Once I got exposure to the internet the problem got much worse. Fortunately, I went away to Yeshiva, and realized in the middle that I would have to switch to a yeshiva which has no book stores around it. This was the way I dealt with the problem. Of coarse the problem continued even at the new yeshiva but to a much lesser extent. I once spoke to a very big Talmud Chacham regarding this problem and he told me to learn Hilchos Shabbos. He told me some other things as well.
It’s now many years later and my taavas are not as strong, and in fact with medicine there are times I am almost able to eliminate the taava at times. But it seems like I just don't have the same motivation to work on myself now as I did back than. I go through time periods such as Elul Zman where I get motivated, but then I just say forget it.
Looking back at my teenage years I remember how hard I tried, and cried, did everything in my power to stop. When I think of those years now I have thoughts that really back then I may have been a Tzadik and right now is when I'm a rasha.
The other day I was thinking I'm really going to try, by day three for some reason I got depressed, so I left sedar and went into my room. I had no intentions of falling in this aveira. In fact I remember thinking, I went to the mikvah this mourning and wow it really helped because I can't even think about doing this aveira. But than within an hour I was listening to sexual things on the phone getting myself aroused, when in the begining I wasn't that aroused at all. I got so involved in this, that I continued doing this for three hours! How terrible! I don't even have access to the internet in my room; it was just a stupid phone. I didn't even talk. Not only did I leave my first sedar early, (because my chavrusa wasn't there) I basicly missed second sedar doing nothing. I guess I just don't care. Maybe it's just that I did this averia so many times as a teenager it has become like na'a'se ca'heter. Being chayiv misa just doesn’t seem to motivate me anymore. The fact that I'm a being a faker in this area just doesn't produce the guilt that it use to produce when I was a teenager. If the Mashciach of this Yeshiva/kollel would ask me where was I, what in the world would I tell him? I can't lie!? But what do I do. I've come to the conclusion that I might very well just be a rasha, and who knows what my gzar din was on Hoshana Raba. Maybe I can follow the chisidishe approach that holds that the final din isn't until Chanukah. This better be true. Punishments don't seem to motivate me. Positive reinforcement probably would, especially if it’s immediate. I once heard Rabbi Ephraim Waxman say that everyday there is a certain amount of pleasure that it has been decreed for one to receive. You can receive that pleasure by learning, but if you use it up by doing an avera, than Hashem will take away ones pleasure during learning. This was a big motivator for me at that time. But that was many years ago. Now I'm thinking maybe I heard him wrong, who knows what he really said, where is the source for that anyways.
The bottom line is that at this point in my life I feel my problem is more a lack of motivation, than an actual addiction, and therefore I will be punished more severely. But what should I do about this?

you should thank G-d if your biggest problem right now is your motivation

the guys on this forum are some of the best of the best geniuses in baal tsuvah movement

what is needed is a simple approach like focusing on how to avoid feeling what you feel when you start this behavior

i try to listen to learning tapes ........kinda hard to lose your thoughts if your listening to a fantastic chidush like the zohar on the parasha

ask your rabbis who you can listen to when your on your own its good that you have rabbis you can talk to about this

hatzlacha on beating this difficult opponent

as you can see if you read around it can be done and you arent so low as you feel

Shmuel, have you heard the expression in the Gemorah, Sheva Yipol Tzaddik V'Kum?
A Tzaddik falls seven times and gets up.  NOT A RASHA.  Part of being human is to
fall and get up, NOT give up.

What should you do about this?  Change your thinking!  What is causing your lack
of motivation?  Want to find out if you are really addicted?  Take this test.

www.slaafws.org/node/10

Here are a few to ponder.

33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about  sex? Yes [ ] No [ ]
34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort? Yes [ ] No [ ]
35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time? Yes [ ] No [ ]
36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?Yes [ ] No [ ]
37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?Yes [ ] No [ ]
38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?Yes [ ] No [ ]
40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

  If you are indeed addicted, and I am not saying you are, then you have a disease which
is causing your lack of motivation.  Boredom, loneliness, anger and hunger can also trigger
any addiction.

What you should do is get with the program.

Elya

DON'T WORRY!

    I was also surpirsed many years ago when I found out that I was a "rashah".  The question is:  what exactly does this mean, and what does it mean to us?
     How can I actually be a rashah when I don't steal, I don't murder, I don't want to hurt my fellow man, etc. I really believed that I was a good person who had some weaknesses. And, this is the pshat.
     The Torah does not call us a Rashah, in order for us to lose hope, and fall into depression. Just the opposite. It means that only in this particular prat, we are not doing what we are supposed to do. So, in this prat, and this prat alone, when we are acting out....we are given the term rashah. But, as Elya said above, if you look at the bright side of this battle, "A Tzaddik falls seven times and gets up". It is only the "temporary" Rashaim, that can, (and in our case WILL) rise up and be given the unblievable reward of Baal Tshuva Ematit.
  PLease carv into your mind and your consciouness, that "rasha" in the Torah is only a temporary position (except in the case of Eisav). And, by making it only temporary, this means that we are able to use it as the springboard to fly up and higher than many many tzadikim.
   And, I will copy something I had written on a previous post that gives us the hope that we need not even complete our Tshuva in order to merit  greeting the Moshiach, but we merely need to make a clear decision that this IS what we want....and then to begin the tshuvah process. Once you have taken the step upward...you have begun. Please read this below, and hatzlachah rabah.
  "I will quote the Maharal M'Prague in kenness yisroel.
He says that there are alot of people who do NOT want the Moshiach to come. Why. For this reason. They are frightened that they haven't as of yet done their tshuvah and tikkunim and therefore will perish in the birur(the heavenly cleansing before his arrival). They are not ready, and are therefore frightened that  he will come now, when we are not prepared.
  The Maharal says: Don't worry! You do not have to have finished your tshuvah to greet the Moshiach. You only have to have begun the process, i.e be on the upward climb, even though you are presently on a low level. He compares this to an Eruv Tavshilin. What is an Eruv Tavshilin. If we start to cook now...then via the eruv tavshilin  we can continue to prepare for Shabbos. If you don't begin the preparation now, then you won't have anything, but if you DO begin now,(not neccessarily complete) only begin to cook now, (begin your tshuvah-your upward climb), then you WILL have what to eat for Shabbos,(you will merit to great the Moshiach). This is the secret that Mr. Yetzer HaMenuvil does NOT want you to know. So, you see, no matter how low you are now, and even if you will fall again, and again, (hopefully less and less frequently), then the chances are that you will be on the upswing when the Moshiach comes.
  We should all be zocheh!!!"

shmuel

You are not a Rasha, you are sick... you are a sexaholic... you need a spiritual awakaning... if you want what I have, then do what I do, WORK THE STEPS...

Every time I read a story on a fellow struggler on the site or forum, there are always details that I can clearly identify with, you write “But than within an hour I was listening to sexual etc.” .  Countless times I have walked into my office feeling so confident that today would be a good day but within a half hour I was surfing porn again. 

I can’t explain why someone who does so many avairos is not a rasha but I stopped believing that I am one, I’m doing my best and when I fall I just forget about it and don’t let it bring me down even further, or at least I try doing that.

MW, you hit the nail on the head. (Good to hear from you, by the way :-)

The two secrets to breaking free in the long term is
1) Never accept it. Never give up. Never stop trying YOUR HARDEST.
2) Never let a fall get you down and take you down further.

Like Battleworn once said, only Hashem knows how much bechirah we really have at any given time. But we can never stop trying our very best, and not a drop less. If a fall happens, there's no reason to believe we could have done better before. HOWEVER, we MUST learn from each fall and figure out WHAT caused it. Was it the boredom? Was it the fact that we don't have a good enough filter? Was it because we started browsing innocently to kill time, and one thing led to another? What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen again?

One who does not learn from his falls will be held accountable next time he falls, even if he didn't have bechirah at the time. They will ask him in heaven, why didn't you try to prevent it BEFORE it was too late? How? By learning from your previous falls what caused them.

Ain Divrei Torah Miskayem Ela Bemi shenichshal bahem techilah.

And if all you try is not enough to stop the falls, you need to take more drastic measures. See a therapist. Join the 12-Stop phone group. Maybe even tell your wife or a Rav about your struggles. But NEVER accept the status quo. Always keep trying to do better, always keep learning from your mistakes.

Guys, this is our eternity at stake. We only get one life time to fix this. We don't want to have to come back again for this!!

Dear Shmuel,

The lack of motivation that you feel, is absolutely necessary for your tikun. You've already accomplished whatever you needed to, with the motivation. Now, the mission that you were given, is to fight without feeling motivation.

Believe me, I know what it feels like. I fell from a very high and firmly established madreiga, right down to the lowest of the low. It shattered me to pieces. For two and a half years I was a total mess. It's not for nothing that I call myself battleworn, I doubt there's anyone here that can really appreciate what happened to me.


BUT THAT'S THE GREATEST NACHAS RUACH FOR HASHEM. WHEN YOU'RE BROKEN, WOUNDED AND BLEEDING. WHEN YOU FEEL, AS THE NAVI SAYS

"YAVSHA ATZMOSEINU" I'M A TOTAL WRECK A SHATTERED PEICE OF GLASS. AND YOU SAY I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE,

I WILL STILL KEEP FIGHTING WITH WHATEVER TOOLS I CAN GET MY HANDS ON.

THERE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A GREATER NACHAS RUACH THAN THAT. AND THAT IS THE JOB OF THE LAST DOR,

THIS IS THE TIKUN THAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. THIS IS HOW WE ARE BRINGING MOSHIACH WHEN THE PREVIOUS GENERATIONS COULDN'T.

Remember that the way you feel now, is just a shell that you need to break through in order to become the tzadik that you are meant to be. Try to think positively and concentrate on the goal. Keep in mind that you have a mission to accomplish, and B'ezras Hashem you will succeed.

CHAZAK VEEMATZ!!!

MW...

working the steps keeps me from falling again....

kookooreekoo