Hi Guys

I was one of the original posters in this forum, I deserted ship for two years, but I'm back and ready to start again.

I've found a site called candeohealthysexuality.com/ which I've found really helps me, its worth checking it out.

I feel like I need a support group to back me up, so thats why Ive come back to the forum, so I'm just checking in, and I'll keep you updated daily iy"h

Cheers

Wow!  A vintage member!  Honored to meet you.

Hi All

I was really determined at the beginning of the week, to have a strong week, I Fell on motzei shabbos, Sunday  night and Monday Night.
Tuesday I was clean.
Today is Wednesday and I fell again,  I realised that one of my big triggers is tiredness, I was up till 2am last night working, I started off working, then I ended up wasting another hour on a stupid game, (which I've deleted ). I got off to a late start, which made me really upset, being that I'm doing smicha now, and my chavrusa was waiting for an hour, were also far behind the learning schedule.

So the day didn't get off to a good start either, I finished learning at 6, I hopped on to the computer, was checking out this whole matisyahu thing, I was feeling tired and a careless, a bit pissed off too. I started looking at soft things that were not appropriate, which led me deeper and deeper, I knew I didn't want to do it the whole time, but I did it regardless.

Im feeling upset now, especially since I had such a bad day, and all the more so, because its yud tes kislev now, as a chabadnik its a very special date / chassidishe yomtov. and i brought it in like this...

I also skipped Mincha

I think that when I'm tired, I really have to stay away from computers, and if I do go on, I should wright down, what Im going to do before I start using it, I hope Ill be able to keep it up, Im really really bad in keeping things up and being consistent.

Feeling pretty down....

Net

If you don't need the computer for work or school, I suggest taking a complete break from it so you can get back on your feet again.  The whole experience of being at the keyboard and staring at the lit screen is itself triggering.  If you must be on the computer, do your business and then shut it down.  Don't linger and surf a little.  That's just the Y"H taking you by the hand.

Sounds like you need a filter and an accountability program either way.  And a plan.

A gut yomtov! L'shono toivo b'limud hachassidus ub'darchei hachassidus tikoseiv v'seichoseim!
A great day to start clean, and welcome back to the forum!

Hi

I've decided to keep a little journal going on here, I fid that if I keep it to myself, ill stop doing it, and this way I can get help with things that are happening in my life.

I had a few thoughts...

a) Every Shabbos I look back on the past week, my goal usually is to have a clean week, so in my mind, if I havent had a clean week, its going to be a "not so spiritual" shabbes, which I realised recently is a very closed minded approach. The problem with it is, when I slip up on Sunday, i then think, oh, damn I've messed up the clean week already, tomorrow ill do better, the next day I think, "its so hard, a whole week till shabbes, its too hard, and then I slip", meaning shabbos is like the start and end point, its all about keeping the week clean (which I dont think ive done in the past 3 years).

I have to take each day at a time and forget about this whole shabbes shtick, everyday is whole entity to itself, its very hard to think like that though and change the approach.

Another thing I realised is that every shabbes, when I have time to reflect on the week, or any self reflective time for that matter, I'm way too negative about it, i don't have a very high self esteem, i always look at what went wrong that week, or how ive been bad, and the like, I dont really focus on the positive, such as...
- I woke up on time one day this week, learnt chassidus before davening and started with a minyan on time, which I hardly ever do ( then my mind thinks, oh, big deal, it was only one day, whats the point, it wasnt the whole week!)
- I'm doing smicha, which I never thought I'd be able to do.
- I'm working on myself

I cant really think about anything else positive right now, but I can deff. harp on the negative.

- I slipped up three times this week
- I'm behind in my learning, and ive got a test to still catch up
- I never daven with a minyan on time
- Im never gonna change
- I never wake up on time
- I'm not feeling connected, because I'm not davening properly.

So I guess the maskonoh of this rambling is a few things
a) Im too harsh on myself
b) When I reflect, i have to make sure to remember the positive things about the week too
c) I need to focus on taking each day at a time (does anyone have any ideas to help me with that?)
d) I need to make specific goals for the day, and take each day at a time.

______________________________

Another thing, I went to a farbrengen last night, someone said something about taking things in small steps and breaking things up, which I could really relate to, and I see how that could help

By the way, I dont know if I should journal here, what do you guys think?

Net

Net wrote on 15 Dec 2011 08:29:


Plenty of guys still journaling in the introduce yourself section, so journal away as far as I'm concerned.

I think you drew a critical conclusion about taking it one day at a time.  The way to do this is really to take it one moment at a time, one nisayon at a time, one right decision at a time.  I just have to get through this now.

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction.

Hi Guys

Its sunday afternoon now in the southern hemisphere.

Just updating my progress from the past few days.

a) I had a hard time Motzei Shabbos, I came very close to faliing, I started viewing things that were a bit inappropiate, but guys ket on coming into the room, so I couldnt really start anything. I usually feel very vulnerable on Motzei Shabbos, I think its the anticlimax of shabbos, and the annoying feeling of another week coming up. I had to finish a test on Motzei Shabbos for smicha, which probably added too to the stress. Does anyone have any strategies?

b) Today, Sunday,  I had a late night last night, so today I've been very tired. Tiredness is really really bad for me, especially on a Sunday, I become a lot more vulnerable. And my stamina and resolve go down alot. I came very close today, and at 8:00pm, I still feel very vulnerable, my mind keeps on telling me to quickly do something small, its quite hard to hold back. There was a small incident worth noting, I was sitting waiting for my chavrusah to come back, feeling tired, and not looking forward to grind of the next sugyah, I was browsing my android phone, (on which Ive disconnected the internet, however in the beis medrash there is wifi, as there are offices above) I downloaded an app with inappropriate stories, I read one, and was feeling really desperate, my mind was telling me to just close the sefer, go to the computer etc etc.

I held myself back, I took some deep breaths, and tried to think about how I didn't want to do it, how I would just feel bad and upset afterwards. It helped for around 20 minutes, but after that the desires just came back... It's very rare though, that I confront the urge, so it was a small step for me.

I just hope I'm able to hold on till I go to sleep, I feel desperate. I don't want to slip up today. It helped to write this down though, to give me some clarity of mind.

Regards
Net

Thanks for sharing, friend. Hatzlocho in your struggle and with your smicha.
If you become musmach while actively pursuing freedom from lust (whether succeeding at any given point or not), that will feel pretty special, won't it?
I never pursued smicha precisely because I felt unworthy due to my active acting out.
But if you are in active recovery, you can perhaps do it for all the guys who wouldn't?
Best of luck.
Mottel