Another langeh arichus, sorry.
Not to be unsympathetic, but I'd like to share my experience of these steps you refer to and ask if you have these things, or not. While I do that, I will ask myself the same question. Here goes:
The first step is a simple and sincere acceptance of my inherent and total inability to succeed at beating this addiction and for me to succeed managing my life, in general.
Do you have that? If you (really are an addict but) do not have that step, then where do you get the idea that you really need G-d? From a sefer? Does the sefer need G-d, or do you? And if you really do not come to the real conclusion that you really can't make it without Him, then why do you assume that you will end up depending on Him, either? Because it is a mitzvah to daven? The siddur may depend on him - but the only real issue is: do you?
The way we use to come to this is by writing down (by hand) exactly what we did - what we do - when we use sex and lust. To see in writing, before our very eyes how many times, years, and cycles we have been through this and what it has wrought on our lives. Not emotionally, but practically.
We write the first memorable time we discovered the precious poisonous gold of lust excitement, and record every way we used it and as best as we can how many times we did - till the last time we struggled with it. No causes, no reasons. Brains out, facts in. Once that writing is done, we will have some clarity about how and to what extent we are dependent on lust in order to live. To make it realer and stick better, we share it with another (safe) person, openly and all it's detail. Sharing the truth about ourselves with another real person is the only way for chronic liars (as we all are, living the double life of the ben Torah who desperately porns out and masturbates) to become honest with ourselves.
Recovery is not 'a religion', nor a cult. Contrary to what I see on GYE sometimes, there is no 'mitzvah' for every guy who has a normal yetzer hora for sexual stuff to 'finally believe that he is an addict', nor is there any Cool-aid being given out here! If you are not an addict, then writing it all down will convince you that you are indeed not an addict, after all! No matter what some have told you, this step is not 'normal yiddishkeit' and it is not 'required mentality' for all good Jews. We can safely assume that most people make mistakes in this area - even do aveiros sometimes - yet can control sexual lust in their lives as well as the next guy, and probably can do a decent job managing their own lives.
The second step is coming to admit that if we could be habitually and reliably running to the sweetness of the porn and the power of the fantasy - as we do - it proves that we do not yet really have a G-d that works for us. If we have discovered in our 1st step that we apparently worship and cleave to (that's deveikus) the power of the 'perfecter' bodies of women (lemoshol), then we may believe in Hashem...but where and what is He for us? The thing we have on the pedestal in our hearts is a naked woman, not Him. Does He share the pedestal with a porn starlet? No. Shituf is not for Jews, and that's what this is. It does not work. Addicts are true pos'chim al shtei has'ipim.
So this is not just a religious problem - it is a sanity problem. Truly making a woman (among other weak and helpless things) a Higher Power for us? It's cracked. And yet it is in us - it's the truth about us sex and lust addicts. Hence, the 2nd step is about choosing a useful Higher Power instead of the one we already really have. it is about finally choosing one that works. Like the G-d, for example. In His Torah He calls Himself "Eil" - that means "Power". And "Eil Elyon", means Higher Power. But I digress...
Now, we must be running after these images and people for a reason. It's not only because it's fun. It is dependence. I chase after it and it preoccupies me. Pathetic and nutty as it is. The reason me and the other the addicts among us are here is not just because we are doing aveiros, but because we are obsessed with our temptations, right? Correct? It is taking over, sometimes slowly, sometimes not so slowly.
Hey - but that is what your G-d is supposed to do: take over your life. Deveikus is supposed to be an obsession. "b'ahavasah tishgeh tomid!" - The RMb"M compares deveikus baShem directly to a man's obsession with a woman he is in love with. Smart man, the RMb"M...
So how could I - a frum yid - come to be doveik to sweet porn? Gevalt. I do not know, but it happened. Here I am...here we are.
I do not need an answer - I need acceptance (see AA page 417 to the end - and the story attached to it is very kedai)! That is a huge fact for me.
The G-d - that is, the concept of Hashem that I came into recovery with - does not work for me. If it did, then I could never have gotten that screwed up in the first place. It was posul. I could not have - and still cannot - possibly depend on a G-d who is always ready to hurt me.
Onesh? Does Hashem ever really 'punish' anyone to hurt them for the bad they have done - we have done? Ever? Before we try to answer that, let me just say that you and I both know that if Whoever we call 'G-d' actually hurts or damages anyone, then we will be better off depending on the naked actress' image, no? C'mon, I'd rather depend on orgasm, no? It's always nice...unlike what we called 'G-d'. At least the girlies can be depended upon to give just what I ask for - and she always accepts me and even wants me desperately, doesn't she? Aren't they more dependable than that G-d is? Can't I just use them to tailor my experience and control exactly how I feel - by searching for the just-right image of the right type of mishega'as. It's got it all. And best of all, I don't need to deserve it! A mechayeh.
. And if we have this belief in us, we will be among those who say "I have a big problem with G-d: trusting G-d, using G-d," etc. We will have a very hard time with our 3rd step. Actually, it will not work, at all.
This is a serious problem that even good, frum Jews - even Rabbis - have with their own G-d. After all, the only thing that really makes Hashem really relevant is that He is our own G-d. That we can say "Elohai", is all there really is to a yiddishkeit that works. In His Torah, G-d tells us the reason He took us out of Egypt was "lihyos lochem leilokim." So you could say "Elohai", and mean it for yourself.
And what makes Hashem our own G-d - Elokeinu - is not Him, but what is in our heads and hearts. G-d identified as 'Hashem/Havayo"h' means little indeed, practically nothing, actually. Elokeinu is where everything 'happens' - that is, Malchus. Ba'al kol hakochos kulam - our true, chosen Higher Power. The what the word means to me and you that is the only thing that matters in the quality of the relationship. Twisting Chaza"ls to paint a vicious god who hates those who hate him and who slaps and hurts and kills in order to 'make a point', is as rampant in our hearts as it is stupid. And it is among us and our parents, and our children. R"l.
In the second step we accept that there is something big lacking in us. Not in G-d, but in us. Our expectationsof G-d, of people, and of life, are all twisted. As we discovered in #1, something is definitely wrong with us. The G-d of our our misunderstanding was not enough for us. If he was, then we'd have been OK without getting on our knees to masturbate to the 'powerful woman-gods' of our porn. We had to resort to 'doctoring life up' for what it was missing by taking things into our own hands and self-pleasuring. Playing G-d just a little bit. Manipulating people and circumstances to make it run 'right'. On the way, we put sex with our wives on a high pedestal. Put forbidden and attractive, really attractive, women on a higher pedestal. Put our egos (approval-seeking, what we like to call "love") - on a higher pedestal....along with a few other things. His Will for us as individuals - that is, not the Torah, but the life He gave us - was never good enough, never acceptable to us as it was. And if we stay the way we were when we came to recovery, it never will be!
We addicts tend to be constantly self-absorbed. Even our avodas Hashem is really all about us, what we achieve, and where we are 'holding', and what G-d thinks of us right now. Sex with our wives is a project for addicts...very serious, very important - to us. Our wives try hard to fit into our experience, but often just cannot seem to make it, and they know it. We often sincerely blame them for not being 'sexual enough'. Gevalt. They want to have pleasure and fun. But we are busy having our big adventure - it has to match up with our porn fantasies of how it's supposed to be, doesn't it? Our poor wives haven't got a chance. No wonder they are so often turned off to it, by now! Even Yitzchok the amud haDon knew that sex is supposed to be fun and not a big, giant deal: "Yitzchok metzachek es Rivka ishto"...and our wives know it, too. But for us addicts, it must be all about us and our experience of it. Very important indeed, hmmm. And we react to it as frum addicts: by getting even more serious about it, "ke'ilu k'fa'o shade!", or by making it a deep spiritual meaningful event. Doesn't usually work for regular yidden - but we think it aught to work for us - of all people!!?? Hubris. Gayvoh. Nothing else that arrogance. Being normal is so possul to us. But in truth, sexual intimacy with our spouse is supposed to be a nice experience, one of simcha and Shalom, as the Zohar hakadosh puts it - not a big, serious and important 'event' or project. Gevalt. But I digress...
So you are working the steps. Do you have any of these steps? If so, then that's great. If you see the steps completely differently, why not share about it? Let's talk it out and maybe we will both learn a lot.
Hatzlocha!!
