.

R' Maalin, first of all wellcome home! (I know that you've been here for for ten days already but better late than never) You've joined the club of Hashem's most precious soldiers that are entrusted with the most dangerous missions. If you stay with GYE you'll get really far.

The fact that you were not able to say NO, shows that you are normal. Most people do not have the strength to say it. The lesson from this experience is, that you have to come up with a plan that's really feasible. Like avoiding such situations altogether or anything that would really work to turn them off (I know someone that grow a beard for this reason only, sorry to hear that it doesn't work for you). Maybe you can ask one of your friends to tell them that now that you're orthodox, you don't do that anymore. Never rely on your courage - Al Ta'amin Be'atzmicho.

Hatzlochoh Raboh! Chazak Ve'ematz!

I also had this problem for a while, a few years ago. What worked for me was making somewhat of a joke out if it. For example, if she holds her arms out waiting for a hug, hold your hands up (as if you're playing patty cake) and say something like "Oooooooh. Im so so SO very sorry." If she gets it at that point, good...her respect will only increase. If she doesn't, like most women, and asks "Sorry for what?", say with a grin "Im so sorry you can't hug me anymore. This must be very hard for you." And WHAM-her arms go down, she laughs, and you've defused the situation while getting the point across.
-Or, when she holds her arms up for the hug, ask her "What're you gonna hug? My beard?" Unless she's an idiot, she'll put her arms down.
-Or, when she's in hugging position, exclaim "WOW! You've gained so much weight!". She won't know what hit her, and she usually won't have the urge to hug you anymore.
-Or, in the more common situation of her spotting you from the other side of the shuk and running towards you screeching at the top of her lungs "Maalin!!!" and running at you full throttle, simply side step...momentum will take its course and she will find herself in the middle of oncoming traffic. No more hugging.

Will is right! Find something humorous to say that will defuse the "situation". Find something so you can laugh at the fact that you can't/won't hug her.

2B

will you are crazy.
welcome to our community

this situation is hard for a lot of people who are first getting into this situation.  one thing that helped me, that someone mentioned, was getting mutual friends or people in general to know, and having them spread the word.  just telling people in the moment is hard.  but i agree with will, if you are in the moment a joke is the best way to go, much less awkward and uncomfortable. 

Reb Will,

You cracked me up! Very Funny!

E.L.

MBK, welcome!
I don't know if you have any way of being in contact with R' Akiva Tatz, but I know that he has good practical advice for people in your situation.
B' hatzlacha!
kutan

I actually have a t-shirt that says "Sorry Babe, I'm Shomer"...Im not even kidding. I used to wear it back in the day...it was handy because women would look at the shirt, laugh, and go "Really?". I don't know what mode of dress you're into but I'll be happy to give it to you if you think it might help. (I can mail it)
As for the Rosh Hashana dinners, I think that JD's suggestion will be most comfortable...ask a relative you're close to to spread the word (maybe start now) that you no longer touch females. They will only respect you more!

DEAREST MAALIN BAKODESH

I DO NOT KNOW IF WE MET YET

MY NAME IS bardichev AND IT IS WRITTEN SMALL CAPS

ON PURPOSE .

I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE

I ESPECIALLY HAVE TONS OF RESPECT FOR YOU

I AM NOT SURE IF YIU HEARD OF REB LEVI YITZCHAK OF BARDICHEV

BUT I AM SURE HE KNOWS OF YOU HE IS TAKING YOUR BATTLE AND SHOWING

HASHEM THE HOLINESS OF HIS CHILDEREN

I WAS AMAZED AT YOUR ABILITY TO DO SUCH A MOJOR CHANGE

AND I CRY ALONG WITH YOU FOR THE DIFFICULT "NISYONOS " YOU HAVE

AS A FELLOW COMRADE IN ARMS I WILL GIVE YOU SOME (albeit un-solicited,what can I do I am Jewish) ADVICE THAT CAN HELP YOU.

YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A VERY INTELLIGENT FELLOW SO I WILL ALLOW MYSELF TO

SPEAK IN A FASHION I AM COMFORTABLE WITH AND I HOPE I DO NOT RUN THE RISK

OF TURNING YOU OFF(I AM JEWISH AND FROM NY)

HERE GOES:

ONE OF THE OLDEST TRICKS THE YH HAS IS MAKING YOU(OR ME FOR THAT CASE)

JUDGE JURY AND EXECUTIONER

HE HAS THIS TRICK

ANOTHER THING IS THAT HE CREATES THE IMAGE THAT YOUR 'FRUMKITE" IS THE

SINGLE BARAMOTER WHICH NON-FRUM (I HATE THAT WORD I CAN'T BELEIVE I USED IT) WILL JUDGE ALL OF TORAH AND ALL OF JEWRY

YESS IT IS DIFFICULT YES LIVING IN A SMALL TOWN MAKES IT MORE DIFFICULT DEALING WITH FAMILY IS EVEN HARDER

MY DEAREST FREIND YOU "NEED-NEED-NEED" A REBBE A MORAH DERECH

YOU WILL ENCOUNTER SUCH DIFFICULTIES EVERY STEP OF THE WAY

REMEBER THIS THE TORAH IS THE "WAY OF PLEASANTNESS" AND"ALL OF ITS PATHS ARE PEACEFUL"

HOW?WHY? WHEN? WHERE? WITH WHO?
THIS IS THE REASON YOU NEED-NEED-NEED" A REBBE

I WAS INVOLVED IN KIRUV IN CHINUCH I AM STILL INVOLVED IN HELPING PEOPLE

HERE AND ON A PERSONAL LEVEL

I DEAL WITH "SHAILOS" MYSELF .I NEVER PASKEN MY OWN QUESTIONS I HAVE A "REBBE"

one last thought part a is to be "MAALIN BAKODESH" part b is "VLO MORIDIN"

WITH ALLLLLLLL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bardichev

p.s. if you live near kentucky pick up some woodford reserve for the gang!!!!

bardichev wrote on 17 Aug 2009 21:10:


dearest Bardichev,
not being the swiftest of the bunch, I'm going to take the liberty of asking you to kindly elaborate.
thanks much,
kutan

keep your hands full, a drink is best, you cant hug with a drink in your hands especially if its Woodford.

Me3 wrote on 18 Aug 2009 15:21:


Very good idea!

Dear Maalin,

At work, I only had one case where a woman tried to hug me (it was at a goodbye party for her - I had never actually met her, but we had worked together countless times over the phone).  I simply said "I can't."  She asked - "Why not, do you have a cold?"  I quickly responded "Yes!"

When I was in Yeshiva, I was careful not to even shake hands with women.  When I entered the workforce, I began relying on the lenient opinion (Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch and others - see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negiah).  But, I recognized that anything more than a handshake
was out of the question.  Certainly, to avoid a hug, it would be better to rely on the lenient opinion and stick out your hand.

Don't beat up on yourself over the past, but you need to make plans for the future.  Why not (as I previously suggested) share a copy of the above-cited Wikipedia article with your friends and relatives?  They need to be educated, and Wikipedia is less threatening than the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch.

HOLY MAALIN AND KUTAN

I WROTE THE MOST BEAUTIFULPOST AND I ERASED IT JUST LIKE THAT OOOOOPS

CHAVAL AL DI AVDIN