I know many people who became religious or converted and changed their entire lifestyle because, A] they believed the Torah way is the better way (which of course, it is) but mainly because B] they did not like themselves and were trying to escape their own skin.

Needless to say, you will not change your personality by taking on the commandments. That requires therapy and love, etc. The reason we discourage conversion is because it is very hard to live a Torah true life. After all, to take on so many restrictions is daunting if you have not grown up with them all your life. Going to a place like China does not help either. But after 3 years you must have had many positive reasons to want to become a Torah observant Jew. What happened to all that? Perhaps where you were at the time was supportive and now you dont have the support, you question everything.

You are definitely being tested. All I can offer is my warm embrace and love and support. Dont hate Torah. You did make a free choice to 'join the club' if you are full of resentment maybe there are other issues (in china you are lonely ?!!! any american would be, religious or not)

I am looking at a moving stream...lots of fish are moving with the current...only a few are moving against the current, like salmon swimming upstream. Guess what, the fish going along with the current are the dead ones...

I have news for you... we all struggle, ffbs, baalei teshuvah, converts...thats part of the game....if we did not struggle we would not be alive..

Baal haTanya says all who struggle are benonim, which is a very high level. The struggle remains within but we dont act out. the point is to struggle IS the point.

If you are at peace you are either a true Tzaddik like David Hamelech who killed his yetzer (extremely rare only around 36 in the whole world) or you have given up fighting and you are a robot following the animal instict/soul wherever it takes you, and you have no will of your own, your being has basically been hijacked by another entity.

In my opinion, all who are on GYE are Holy Benonim, baalei teshuvah, higher than some tzaddikim...you just have to decide which club you want to be part of.

I know I can never go back to being an animal.

Wishing you the best, and go from strength to strength in your struggle....

re obormottel:
we're referring to different sicha.  it discusses how the fact that moshe was afraid after he killed the egyptian was indicative of a lack of total emunah, hence he had to flee from pharaoh etc etc.

   

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I've not learned this sicha (yet), so if you can tell me the volume I'll look it up right away, b"n.
The point, though, is still the same: Young Moshe was not born with perfect faith; perhaps he even exhibited a lack of faith (on Moshe Rabbeinu's level) early on in life as you're describing. But he most certainly didn't complain to G-d until his faith was absolute.
No one can claim to have accomplished anything until the day they die. (mishna in Avos: Don't believe in yourself until the day you die). But we can certainly claim to have tried our darndest. Not me, not you are expected to report perfect faith on Monday morning after an inspiring Shabbos. But we can certainly say that an inspiring experience (book reading, talking to a friend, taking a class) has gotten us closer to Hashem. To make this closeness linger, one has to continue reading, learning, and hanging out with the  right people. Otherwise, the most inspiring experience will be drowned out by the mundane, by the world itself.
Judaism has all these tools available: there is a requirement for daily Tora study, there is a forceful call to acquire a friend (Avos p.1), there is a need for regular prayer to stay in touch with the spiritual, etc.
Same as in trying to break out of a bad habit, where you need all that to succeed. Consistency and patience are lauded for bringing about any kind of success in life. Someone who can not stay the course (today beard yes, tomorrow no; today tzitzis, tomorrow tcheiles, the day after nothing) will surely fail. On this forum they tell you: winning means staying in the game. If you quit early, you will never know if you might have won.
I'd love to stay in touch with you when you go to yeshiva, if only to see your progress. I'm sure you have a lot to show for yourself.   
As far as it relates to this forum, how is your struggle going with masturbation etc? Are you on the 90-day chart?
It helped me a great deal, I am now over 100 days away from the last time I watched "adult content" and touched myself to the tune of it.
How's by you?

Yoni, re-the treasure at the end of the forest... Whether we serve Hashem lisheim Shamayim or not, we all know that at the end of the day - the Torah and Mitzvos were given for our benefit... So yes, that is a treasure. Hashem doesn't ask us to serve Him while thinking the Torah and mitzvos are only for HIM and not for us. As the pasuk says... Ma Hashem Sho'el me'imcha ki im Le..... (a whole list of things)... le'Tov Lach. "For your good. "
If we realize it's all "for your good" it makes it much easier.
But that takes Emunah.
So instead of us blaming Hashem for making it hard, we need to ask Him to give us more Emunah .
It's not nearly as hard when the Emunah is in place.

One more point I just want to mention, is that the Torah was given to a "nation". As long as the Jews were lesss than 600,000, they didn't get the Torah. The reason for this is, that Judaism is meant to be practiced within a community setting. Hashem knows how it's almost impossible to keep the mitzvos if we're alone in a spiritual wasteland. It's no wonder it's so difficult for you to keep the Torah and Mitzvos in China, all alone, among goyim. You will see that once you're back in the U.S, and you seek out a Jewish community that you're comfortable in, it will get a lot easier...

Hatzlacha!

alexeliezer wrote on 16 Nov 2011 16:11:


Hey Alex,

we are all brothers here but actually I am mad at your shtechs and so I have my kalashnikov aimed at you. (only a Russian rifle will work in this case)

I am aiming in your general direction but what can i do I am guarding my eyes so I cant see you too well...

Love you too!

One of the things I am slowly learning lately is not to address anyone in particular but rather address the point to whole group. Especially, if someone is godol mimcho b'chochmo ub'yir'oh.
There is no doubt that there are more than dozen explanations, all backed up with psukim and maamorei Chazal, as to why Hashem created the world and gave us Toiro and Mitzvois.
Whether it is for Hashem's pleasure (nachas ruach lefonai sh'omarti v'naase retzoini), or for Hashem's desire to express Himself as a King (Ono emloich, Ein Melech bloi Am), or for our perfection (loi nitnu hamitzvois elo l'tzaref bohem ess habrios), the bottom line in all (most?) hashkofois is the same: we must do in order to get Hashem's intent fulfilled.
Theorizing doesn't get us closer to Hashem's final goal, but  action does. 
So whatever explanation Yoni chooses, the main thing is to do the actions of being a Jew: Shabbos, Kashrus, Tfilin.
This actions will strengthen the Emuna, and Emuna will give meaning to the actions.
But don't stop doing!
Yoni, let us know how your last days in China are happening...
Good luck.

Shalom aleichem holy brother,
          my heart cries out for you. i must say your struggle speaks to me as well. not in the immediate sense. I too am a BT. i know what you are going through and it surely seems rough. UAJ had some great advise, but i can't underestimate the importance of having a rav who understands your background.

for myself, i came to find a giant of torah who has his head on straight. he addressed many of the issues you brought up.
              - non-jewish music - see rambam fourth perek of pirkei avos who says nJ music can be better than jewish depending on the emotion it builds

              - R solevetchik was offended at the idea of having to check for invisible bugs and considered it an afront to mesorah ( to quote him "are you saying my grandmother didn't keep kosher?" ) so bedieved you can rely on that
             
    each of these issues  you listed i've had addressed (beard aside) and i would reccomend finding someone who gets YOU .

            for some reading that speaks more to the soul, i might reccomend to you some R jonothan sacks. i've read his parsha stuff - covenant and conversation and letter in the scroll - both highly reccomended. seek out chevra. try not to be alone so much.
           
          stay strong. we believe in you. i feel your pain. thakns so much for sharing.