I feel like I am moving close to the edge. Last night, I was struggling to get to sleep, because I was just thinking about going downstairs, going on the computer, and looking at stuff, stuff which unfortunately seems to transgress any filter (I will have to check the filter, see if I can stop this; it may be an error with my computer). When I woke up, I felt like I had done fifteen rounds with Rocky. Thank G-d, I at least didn't go that far. But annoyingly, I feel that I want to act out. I know I mustn't and shouldn't act out. But how do I make it so I willn't? I am trying to avoid any sights not wholly wrong, but certainly stimulating though as a student, and sharing my home with other students, getting rid of internet is not practical. I am thinking that as well as reading the Torah in the day, I will read over the same parts before going to bed; do you think this will help?

usernam2258 wrote:

Hi and thank you for sharing.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you want to see it) there is no way of making it "I willn't". This would be paramount to taking away from us "free choice" which is the basis of mankind and why we are in this world.

As Roe K writes in the White Book:

I see now that in all my religious striving and psychotherapy I was waiting for the miracle to happen first, that I should somehow be zapped or "fixed," unable ever to fall or be tempted again. I thought that if a person just had the right religious belief, he was automatically "a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." That all thought of lust would be removed, much as a tumor would be excised by a surgeon. The "religious solution" was one of the subtlest strategies in my arsenal of denial.

I didn't realize that the essence of being human is to have free choice. God doesn't want to remove from me the possibility of falling; he wants me to have the freedom to choose not to fall. I'd been praying self-righteously all along, "Please God, take it away!" not realizing my inner heart was piteously whining, ". . . so I won't have to give it up." There was belief in God without surrender. That belief availed nothing! I had never died to lust.

May HaShem grant us a day of sobriety, sanity and serenity.

hello

remember one time is not enough ,we are never sastified , take 10 deep breaths or more and don't give in the desire will pass no impulsive behavior or put it off till the next day you will feel different

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have done the first two steps! (not 12 steps sorry ) You have realized that you may fall and you have reached out! The Forum is great but is there anyone you can even chat with?

IN the meantime: try to take a deep breath! And relax. How about get some exercise as well!

Good work! KOT!

1. Chesky: I suppose you are right, and I must say, it is the most annoying (and yet I am certain essential) part of free will. But how does one surrender oneself wholly to God? I can pray, read Psalms, read Torah; but what does it mean to truly surrender oneself? If anyone can explain, I would be most grateful.

2. ewards: Would ruminating over Torah, Psalms, the Shema help? I suppose I know the answer is yes, but how does one effectively distract oneself? It is, I imagine, the eternal problem; the more you try not to think of the fluffy white polar bear, the more he intrudes

3.dms1234: Exercise; not done that properly in two years, but I suppose it wouldn't heart to start Also, I am in England, and from what I gather, most users are American or Israeli; but I suppose anyone in England or an English speaker in Western Europe could help.

Welcome, 2258!

So how 'bout thinking of a fluffy white part bear instead? (':

Chizuk, this good enough?

funny-pics.co/wp-content/uploads/funny-polar-bear-cub-chill-dude.jpg

Oops, sorry, that went wrong. Is there an edit button? Sorry for triple post.

Can't get it out of my mind! (the polar bear)
But seriously, welcome. Keep posting, keep growing.

Well, I fell again, and now feel I am back to where I am started. I realise it may be late, but I am mighty peeved at myself, as well I should be. Frankly, if I was someone else watching my actions, I would have slapped me silly, but heigh-ho, hindsight always makes things look obvious. So new rules set for myself; the internet is not for goofing, only for work, study, and communication as is necessary- if I can't filter it fully with a filter, then I can at least take me away. As soon as I am fit to do so, I shall recite relevant Psalms, possibly the Tikkun HaKlali, or such like, with concentration. I shall stop staying awake till pointless o'clock in the evening, and waking at too-late o'clock in the morning. I will endeavour to do some exercise a day, even if that consists only of a brisk walk,which is better than nothing. I will make sure that I pray before bed, in which prayer, I make full accounting of the days events. And I will try to prevent myself from speaking vulgarity, and looking at things with even the whiff of the inappropriate. These may seem like obvious rules; but alas I find myself flouting them all to often.

Welcome dude!!

it's great that you're opening up, it's a major step!!

It would be great if you started your own thread in the "Introduce Yourself" section, that way we can get to know you and your personal struggle and we can start growing together!!

BTW, That whole list sounds great, but as you wrote, you find yourself flouting them....so let me ask you, what's gonna be different this time?

usernam2258 wrote:

I wrote this about surrender a while back.

Surrender to me means accepting that I am up against something much more powerful than myself. It means raising the white flag before the fight, not first getting triggered and then whining that I am powerless (which is what I used to do). Surrendering means staying away from lust not because I don’t want to, or because of the aveira, but because I cannot afford to; because if I do, then at best I will suffer emotionally and at worst get into very messy situations.
This acceptance was not something that came to me overnight, and even today I prefer to deny that I cannot handle lust on my own. I learnt it the hard way; years of lusting was one thing, but it took me a year and a half in SA to finally admit that I cannot touch lust, and to admit defeat. No, it was not a pleasant realization, and to this day I don’t know why I am different to people who CAN enjoy sex without going crazy (yes, there are such people); but slowly I was able to accept it and with it to admit defeat and to surrender.
Practically this means, taking whatever measures I can to stay away from lust and to share with others any fantasies or anything else which I am powerless over and which I know that I cannot deal on my own.

The big question is of course: without lust, how do I deal with a mind and body which are screaming for their fix?
This is where I learnt that G-d can help me; that I can talk to Him about the little things in my life and that He cares. And yes, for someone who had been through Yeshivas and Kollel, who (I hope) had always genuinely searched for meaning, had learnt gemoro, mussar and hashkafa for years, to have to learn how to have a basic relationship with HaShem, my Abba, from a bunch of Alcoholics, was a hard one to swallow. It has been a process, which did not happen overnight, but one which I am very thankful for.

Pidaini: In truth, I don't know how it will be different this time. I am just running on an unhealthy/healthy (take your pick) stream of optimism that I can, and will, with God's help, beat this problem. Though any suggestions would be appreciated.

chesky: Thanks for clarifying that, it is a great help.

Hmmmm....Suggestions.....I can offer some of my experience,if that helps any.

to make it quick (open your own thread, we can get into length there) opening up was the gate to the pathway of where I am today. The fact that I was able to talk to somebody openly and honestly, brought my situation to reality, and from there I was ready to take more steps.

Have you opened up yet?

What do I say when opening up? Sorry if it is obvious, but I have never been an open person really.